Hi, Katie_j! I am also new to this group. I am tee, 40 and also going through the same journey of infertility health issues. I just got marrIed last year. I am diagnosed with blocked fallopian tubes both left and right last November. My doctor advised us to have ivf. Our first trial of ivf with a Chinese doctor failed because of the low quality of embryo. From there, we decided to take a break and prepared for several months before our second trial. And its true that the journey that we've been going through is not that easy. For four months since we've tried to conceive on own naturally, there are times that I get depressed, irritated, and anxious, Emotions are real. There are times that I cried a lot, I've been so sensitive and I really don't know what's happening. There are times that I felt worthless, I've been asking questions like, am I sinner, is God punishing me, what wrong have I done in the past that God couldn't even bless me with a child of my own. But those stage, yessss, depressing and emotionally exhausting and spiritually draining stage had passed already. Never do I realized that I've been passing through different stages of this infertility process. I'm clueless before, but since I've been asking my friends who are doctors and talking to a dear friend of mine who passed through the same process, now I understand that what I'm going through is normal. I've been to guilt, anger, resentment, denial, depression, reconstruction and now acceptance stage, I have faith in God that He will bless me with a child in the future, I just need to entrust everything in His hands. There are times, that ive been praying that maybe on my 40th birthday, if it's not too much to ask that God would spare me to get pregnant as a gift by itself, but nevertheless I felt frustrated. Somehow, I get tired, frustrated and depressed, but I keep praying, faith still lives on. How I wish to have a baby next year, considering my age, but I've realized, that He knows what is best for me and my husband, I just need to entrust everything to His hands in His time, yes in His perfect time, not in the time that I want. And after four months of long arduous efforts of preparing for the second ivf, which entails 10 multi vitamins, almost four months of infertility acupuncture plus Chinese infertility herbs, vaginal steaming and castor oil pack, we've decided to have another opinion from infertility expert this time, not second trial of ivf, but second test of histerogram. I've decided to just had my hsg be checked again, hoping there would be miracle, before we finally jumped into second trial of ivf. We'll have hsg this coming month. What's in my mind? Oh, well, I'm hoping and praying for the best. I'm leaving the rest to God, all I need to do is do my part and by His grace, He would do what is best for me. There are times, when I cried everyday, it's like there is huge of loneliness and sadness that engulfed myself for no reason that I cannot decipher. I keep crying when I watch tv, look at this, listen at that, it's like an endless cry, endless infertility tears. And I asked God, if he cannot remove this sadness, this loneliness, then, let Him hug me during my brokenness. The journey is not easy, I asked God to be with me everytime I felt this, because I cannot carry this alone, nevertheless I knew, even before asking it, God is there with me always and all the time, and never ever abandon me. I really thank that particular stage of my journey, where I was cleansed and purified also spiritually and emotionally. My friend who was also going through the same process shared that same experience, luckily I had her to share her story. And luckily, she had a baby now. I just keep my faith, I know that God will finish the project that He had started in me. What else would I say, it's good to know that there's someone who encourage and support us and who who will be there for us during the lowest point of our lives. Sometimes, people who haven't been in the same journey, ended up judging us, simply because they're not in the same situation. What I'm into right now, I've been talking about my battle with my close friends to give me hope, spiritual support and encouragement. Now, I've realized, that there might be people that somehow, I'm expecting to support me, especially in this very vulnerable stage, like the family of my husband. But, I didn't get any support especially from her sister. But, here's what I've realized, God is enough for me and it's good to know that some good friends never gave up on me, I acknowledge God's mighty hands maneuvering everything to touch them and help me in this journey. And most of all, I thank that I've found this support group. Let's just keep the faith. God is never late nor early. Let's support each other and I'll be praying for you. Just keep the faith and continue the journey, it might be long and tiring, but God will carry us along the way and He will never ever abandon us during the darkest moment of our lives.
Today is a new day! And a new day awaits us with fresh start and new beginning, a future full of hope with God's grace.
I hope to hear from you soon. I'll be praying for you, katie_j. Be blessed.