So I’ve never participated in a support group, but I feel a little lost in my own world and need to talk to women who understand what I’m going through.

After TTC for what felt like an eternity, my husband and I finally got a positive pregnancy test. And then 4 more subsequent tests that followed over the course of a week. After we’d been trying for so long, and desperately wanting a baby, I was concerned I had willed the positive result instead of actually being pregnant. After the 5th test I knew I was indeed pregnant... I can’t even describe how unbelievably happy my husband and I were. Unfortunately that happiness shattered on November 22, 2017. I started spotting... then the spotting turned to actual bleeding. I’ve never felt my heart break the way it did that day. I went to the ER and learned my HCG were basically non-existent and I was losing/lost my baby. The baby we wanted so badly. The baby we prayed for. That little jelly bean that I loved more than life itself... gone. That’s the kind of pain you feel in your soul, down to your bones. It was without a doubt the hardest thing that’s ever happened to me. I felt betrayed by my own body and like I let my husband down. Five months later I still feel the same way... especially after I starting my period each month or the endless negative pregnancy test results. It’s like the scab breaks open again and I feel that pain over and over again. 

I’m lost... and feel so broken. Every woman in my family is extremely fertile and never had issue getting pregnant. I have so many “why me?” moments. And I hate it. My best friend informed me several weeks ago that she’s expecting her second little blessing and while I’m happy for her, I can’t help feeling sadness for myself and my husband. Which of course makes me feel even worse.

Any words of encouragement or recommendations on how to heal is greatly appreciated.