I'm sorry that you are experiencing this. I know that going through infertility issues is such emotional rollercoaster and can be hard on the relationship. I've been there. Trying to discuss with a husband sometimes goes to the undesirable direction and could be so messy. I know both of you and your husband care for each other's feeling but discussing about this when you are upset doesn't always result in the right way. In my case, I am not good at talking about my feelings when I'm upset, especially English is not my first language, so I try to write to him. I'm not sure if this works for everybody, but it does to me.

I know you didn't mean when you said "leave me" (and trust me, guys hate women testing them), so hang in there!

I am so sorry that you are going through this rough time. I know it may seem like the pain will never end but there is hope for your family. There is a book called Empty Womb Aching Heart that I think would beneficial for both you and your husband. Also, have you guys considered adoption or anything similar to that? It seems like you have your hearts set on having a child through natural means but it may be beneficial for you guys to look for new opportunities. Hang in there! Praying for you guys.

-ICanSpellThornwell-

I have never gone through a stillbirth, but am so incredibly sorry you had to go through that. However, after each loss we had, the tension increased. We never dealt with the loss, we just kept pushing forward. It sounds like that is what you are trying to do, too.

It finally got to a breaking point and one day my DH came home and said to me "This is going to ruin us if we don't deal with it." We immediately began counseling, stopped trying for a few months while in counseling, and dealt with the grieving process. Until you have dealt with the incredible loss of your baby, you will continue to sabotage your relationship and life. People grieve differently and at different paces. There are cycles to grief. You may feel after just a few sessions with a therapist that you are better and that may be the case for a while, but it will cycle around again and you'll be just as bad off or worse, until you learn coping mechanisms for how to deal with the grief. You and your husband won't be triggered by the same things, cry at the same time, get mad at the same time, etc. So it is hard for you to understand each other. But going to counseling together will help you have compassion for one another.

Therapy is a must if you want to stay married. Most insurance covers therapy. (We have super crappy insurance and it covered it 100%, no copay or anything). If yours doesn't, and if you belong to a church you can schedule a time to see the pastor or a therapist on staff. If you live in a city with a college, most colleges have students getting their masters or doctorates that need to have experience, so therefore offer free therapy. You'd need to contact the psychology dept at the school and see if that is an option. There are options out there, you just have to look for them. And don't settle on a therapist you aren't totally comfortable talking to. If you see someone and you just get a bad vibe, don't go back. You owe them nothing. And that doesn't mean that's how all therapists will be. You just have to find one that you feel comfortable with, because if you aren't comfortable, you aren't going to open up and that defeats the purpose.

I cannot tell you how many times I've begged my husband to leave me and find someone fertile to have babies with. Thankfully, he realizes that it is my guilt and grief that is talking when I say those things. He told me one day that he'd rather be married to me with no children than have children with someone he didn't love. That really made me realize how important I am to him. I still feel guilty that we don't have children, but I know that no matter what happens, we will be together and we can get through anything as long as we have each other.

Please go to therapy and grieve your precious baby. You will never forget that baby, but you will be better equipped to handle all the emotions that come with losing that baby. Then you will be able to try again and have your healthy baby.

I wish you the best of luck! ((HUGS))

TTC was really putting a strain on my marriage too. My husband was sad after my MC but he seemed to be able to get past it, and I am still not over it, even though I am pregnant again now. Being intimate was difficult for both of us, in particular.

I feel very selfish a lot of the time too, like you were saying, guilty, etc. Have you seen an RE and done some testing? If you haven't, maybe having that piece of the puzzle would help you out, for your own sanity. I'm so sorry for your loss and that you are going through this right now. I am in therapy for IF related issues, and it helps a lot.

My heart goes out to you. I cant even imagine having to deal with a still birth, I've always said it is the cruelest thing ever. Sounds to me like as much as you want a baby you are not ready mentally or emotionally. Go seek some professional advice to help you move forward and deal with all those awful feelings you are having. Your husband cant do it for you, he's not a trained professional and I guarantee you he is having trouble dealing with it himself but probably hides it to save you the extra grief. Go by yourself or go together, whatever you need to do to hang onto this great man that you obviously have.
And stop beating yourself up, we all deal with things in different ways and at different times and stages. You have been through an extremely traumatic experience, you need to give yourself the time to grieve and accept and then move forward. Big hugs and strength to you lovely lady.

My heart ached when I read of your devastating loss. I whole heartedly believe therapy can help. Allow yourself time and space to heal. The loss was tremendous but it is not necessary to lose your marriage because of it. It sounds as though your husband is wonderful, he's a keeper!