First off, I want to say I haven't written on here in a long time because my DH and I are still on hold for TTC, and I've been focusing on my novel that I just self-published. But IF is still very much a part of my every day life, and even though I don't write on here much, I still visit often. So thanks to all of you for sharing your stories and for venting - it really does help me get through!
My sister, who I am extremely close to, was dealing with IF for about a year and a half. Whereas, my DH and I have been dealing with it for over three years now. We were supposed to see an RE last year, but he ended up leaving his job due to a bad back so everything got put on hold. (Although we're still having unprotected sex of course.) My sister ended up seeing an RE and got pregnant on the second month of fertility treatments. She just now entered her second trimester so the fear of having a MC is not as prevalant. I am very happy for her especially since I know she understands what IF is like, and I know she appreciates the fact that she is able to have a child of her own. But it still really hurts, and I'm trying so hard to not show that to her because this is a very exciting, joyful time in her life. And I should be there for her because she's the closest person in the world to me aside from my DH. But at the same time, I lost my IF sister. We used to vent to each other on the phone all the time, and now I feel like she doesn't call me as much because she feels guilty about it. She shouldn't feel guilty, she has nothing to feel guilty about. I keep trying to tell her that, but I know she does anyway. (And it didn't help that I got drunk around her and basically told her I was jealous of her.)
And of course I can't help but think how it will never happen for me. Everyone gets pregnant around me, and I end up going to their kids' birthday parties, still never having seen a positive pregnancy test. My DH and I started trying before my sister even got married, and now she's the one pregnant. I know you shouldn't compare your life to others, but I know we do anyway. My DH and I have been together for over ten years (married for over 4), while so many other people who haven't been together for nearly as long now have children. I know we're still fairly young, but if it's this hard now, it won't be any easier when we finally can start trying again. My DH is finally back to work, but he wants to wait a little while longer before we see an RE since he just started his job and wants to make sure all is well before we proceed. All I want to do is see an RE and at least start trying again. Even that would make me feel a little better. My life feels like it's on hold forever. I know I just published a book, but that doesn't mean that it will be successful. It's just one out of millions that are there. I just want to start a family with my husband, I can always write as our child gets older...
And I'm lucky that I have a sister that understands so even though she was dealing with morning sickness pretty bad, she wasn't being annoying about it. And my other sister who now has two kids also dealt with IF. But they both seem to think that just because they got pregnant, I will be able to. They keep saying to go to the same fertility specialist since they were really good, but I know my problems are different from my sisters. They both have PCOS, and the one who already has kids also has endo. I still don't really know what's wrong. After all this time, I have no answers. My HSG showed that one tube was blocked, and they had to force the dye through the other one so it was probably blocked as well (and probably is again). I'm guessing it's endo, but I won't know until I see an RE. I'm afraid I will need IVF, and my insurance doesn't cover it, and we certainly can't afford it. But at least I will know...
Sorry this is so long. I think that's another reason why I avoid writing. I end up writing another book. Thanks for being here. I wish all of you the best!