Hello, there.

I never thought I'd be sending my struggles and concerns out to total strangers via the internet, but then, I also never thought I'd be in the position in which I now find myself.  And on the off chance that one person reads this and can relate and provide motivation, inspiration or simply peace of mind, then sharing this is worth it.

So - now a bit about myself and the reason I'm writing...

At 34, I found myself newly married for the second time in my life, and after about 9 months, I was finally able to convince my new husband that it was time to start trying to build a family.  My husband and I have both always wanted to have children, and with multiple siblings on both sides, we envisioned our family including 2-3 children.

Unfortunately, once we began trying, we were met with month after month of disappointment.  It wasn't long before I was tracking my temperature and using an ovulation predictor kit each month.  And still: nothing.

So, in the spring of 2012, we finally met with a fertility specialist.  And we found that other than the extra 20 lbs. I carried, we were both in perfect health, and there was no obvious reason for our infertility.  I did have a uterine fibroid that was removed, but all other conditions seemed normal.  So, at long last, in the spring of 2013 we tried IUI.  And two weeks later, the day before I buried my step-father, we found out we were pregnant.  About ten weeks later we discovered that we were carrying a baby boy, and we were thrilled.  My pregnancy was uneventful, and I was lucky.  No significant symptoms other than being tired and swollen.  But then, it was summer, and I sit at a desk all day every day, so swollen ankles didn't seem that odd to me.

But something was not normal, and at 26 weeks I began experiencing excruciating upper abdominal and back pain, especially at night.  Though I was calling my doctor about every other day, she never saw me.  Instead, she suggested I had gas painds and directed me to take over the counter gas pills.  Finally, at exactly 28 weeks, I called my doctor and told her that if she wouldn't see me, I was going to the ER, because I knew that my health and that of my baby was at risk.  I was right.  As it turns out, I was severaly pre-eclampic and had developed HELLP symptom, which means I had high liver enzymes and low blood platelets.  I was lifelighted to the nearest hospital with maternal/fetal specialists, and an ultrasound showed that the blood was flowing both in and out of the umbilical chord as a result of my condition.  The doctor indicated if we didn't deliver my baby that day, neither of us would make it through the night.  So at 7:46pm on September 4, 2013 I underwent an emergency c-section and delivered the sweetest, cutest little 2 lb. 1 oz. baby boy.  Eliot Asher came into this world with one tiny little mouse peep.  He spent 11 weeks and 5 days in the NICU (50 miles from our home).  But he is now a thriving, happy, ADORABLE  little boy.  

Two years ago, thankful that our little guy was healthy and happy and assuming we could easily add a second child via IUI (and that with a new doctor and better monitoring, I could carry another child to term), we went back to our fertility specialist.  After all of the routine testing, as well as an outpatient procedure to remove "products of conception" from my uterus, we did our first IUI in September 2015.  It failed.  We tried twice more - both to no avail.  

In December 2015 we were told by our health insurance provider (multiple times, mind you) that fertility treatment was covered.  So, we started on our first round of IVF in January 2016.  On January 29th we found out that our insurance company had made a mistake, and our IVF would not be covered.  We wasted six subsequent months messing around with our insurance before deciding to move forward on our own last July.

We were thrilled when we ended up with SIX day five embryos, all chromosomally tested and deemed normal/healthy.  And on October 18th, we transferred our top quality embryo.  Our doctor had no reason to believe it wouldn't work, and neither did we.  But, it didn't.  And we were crushed.  In December, we were scheduled to try again, when our transfer was canceled due to an abnormally thin uterine lining.  And in January of this year, the same thing happened.  

So, I made some changes.  I began a new healthy diet and lost 10 pounds (a good start - just about 20 to go).  I began acupuncture twice weekly and on her advice, I started getting to sleep no later than 11pm each night.  I began taking Baby Aspirin, Vitamin E and Fish Oil. And I completely eliminated coffee and chocolate from my diet.  Then, on February 26th, after trying something different (my doctor prepped me for an IUI but transferred our second embryo rather than inseminating), we failed again.

And now, at least we know why we have fertility issues: I have a chronically thin uterine lining that is unresponsive to hormone supplements.  Even with all of the supplements they can give me, my lining has never exceed 6.5mm.  When I conceived our son through IUI, my lining was 6.3mm.  So, while it's possible for me to get pregnant, it is unlikely.  We could try for months and never have a lining thick enough to support implantation.  It's dumb.  Really dumb.  I've never been described as thin.  And now I know I'm thin where no one else can see it, and where I need to be thick!

So, now we're faced with four options, none of which appeals to me:

1. Have an only child (I know it's not the worst thing in the world, but it's not what I want, and my little boy desparately wants a sibling)

2. Keep trying and hope for what  my doctor has referred to as a "miracle month"... he'd not transfer one of our 4 remaining embryos unless and until my lining was at least 6mm.

3. Find (and pay the huge expense for) a gestational carrier, whose lining is better than mine.

4. Adopt

My husband and I have only just begun to discuss these options.  It's tough to find time away from Eliot to have these honest conversations.  And I have been turning the options over in my head pretty much all day every day.

Here's the thing: I don't feel like our family is complete.  I'm not ready to give up.  But we've spent tens of thousands of dollars already, and the cost of a gestational carrier or a domestic infant adoption is daunting.  Just as daunting, though, is the thought of trying to keep my chin up cycle after cycle, with the various vaginal suppositories that put me in a really bad mood, until we land on another miracle month.  Oh - and it should be noted that we aren't getting any younger.  I am 41, and my husband is 44.

So, there you have it.  I'm heartbroken.  I'm fatigued.  And I just want to hold a tiny little baby in my arms - just one.  Is that too much to ask???