I don't think that people who haven't gone through infertility can every really understand or even begin to understand how hard it is. It's not that they're bad friends or bad people they just don't get it....AT ALL. I've found that the people in my life (who I've shared with) don't realize what a struggle it is. They want to fix it with insensitive comments or they just ignore it altogether. I've read that infertility is the second most stressful thing that a person/couple can go through (behind cancer) and it can be very isolating. I've found that the only people who can really understand and support me are other women who have also struggled with this.....and my therapist who deals specifically with infertility and loss. I can't expect my friends or sisters who have healthy babies to get it or to know the right things to say. I'll just end up disappointed in them. It took me years to realize this and now I just know that I can't take this to them. It's not something they're equiped to handle. I'm sure others have had a different (better experiences) with friends and family but I read about this type of disappointment all the time so I think it's pretty normal. Try not to let it upset you too much. Is there a Resolve support group in your area? It's great to meet other women who can support you and will remember to ask you how you're doing. If you're getting support from somewhere then the disappointment of friends and family isn't quite as bad. And this website is great too! :-)

My spouse and I are young and have had 2 m/c and I often feel like our friends dont come around as much since we have announced our decision to try again to start a family. Just know that your real friends will be there with you through it all. They may not fully understand but they will be there with you. As for the understanding part, thats why we are all here, to find people that understand what we are all going through.

I feel kind of the opposite situation. I am avoiding my friends. I know it's not right but all of my friends are either pregnant or have babies and it's so difficult for me to be around them. I feel like they have everything they want in life and I don't have anything I wanted at this point in life. I feel like I just don't fit in with them. Regardless of what we're doing the conversation always comes back to their pregnancies or babies. I just don't fit in with those conversations. I have nothing to add. So, yes, I do feel really lonely because of IF but it's probably my own fault, I'm the one staying away.

I'm with MomHopes. I avoid a lot of my friends b/c they have children or are pregnant or both.

But I do find it isolating. My mother never knows what to say to me and my sister who has IF (only very slightly, Clomid worked the first month she took it) and my friend who had IF (and Clomid worked the second month she took it) I thought would be more supportive and trying to help but they avoided me.

But I think they avoided me b/c honestly they didn't really experience IF. Since the medications worked so quickly they never really were faced with what it is I am facing daily, they simply cannot understand.

I just don't think people understand how emotional IF truly is. They just don't understand what the big deal is and they all think that the easy fix is to adopt, they just simply do not understand.

I'm sorry you are feeling so isolated. I think most of us here feel that way, it's partially why we are here, to find people who aren't afraid of us.

I read the other day that friendship is when people love you even whever you aren't very loveable. I hold onto that, I know that some of my friends avoid me like I avoid them but in the end we will still be friends b/c they never stopped loving me. But I also know that I will some of my friendships.

My sentiments exactly. We have been through hell with this, especially in the last year of trying (we've been ttc for 3 years) when I became seriously ill as a result of IF treatments. I have really found out who my real friends are and I've been very disappointed with the results. I guess it's just too hard for them to know how to deal with it. "Well, I'm sorry that MY difficult life makes YOU uncomfotable. Thanks for nothing!" is what I feel like saying most of the time. I am often very lonely. The one time I tried to say that I was upset with their lack of care and understanding I had them accuse me of being too self absorbed (mainly relating to an incident where a PG friend had started talking about her lastest ultrasound and I excused myslef and went to the bathroom to calm down). I'm fed up. Right now I am trying to focus on the genuine and ppositive people in my life to let them know what it means to me. Even if they weren't people i was close to before and if the people who I've had to let go have been close friends.

I have lost a lot of friends and family over IF. I just couldn't take their insensitivity anymore so I walked away. I felt that people who could not be here for me or atleast try to understand how sad this was for me weren't worth my time. I didn't need people like this in my life who made things worse for me.

I totally understand what you mean by being isolated and people just not getting it.
I find myself super fortuneate as my aunt stuggled with IF for 15 years. She went through failed IVF's numbers of IF treatments and years later had a little boy. when she went to go for anthor IVF found out she was six weeks pregant.
So i guess i'm sharing so that no matter how alone we may feel the end price is all worth it. We Just can't lose hope. and i know some days easier said then done

I have found myself abandoning my friends with kids. One of them asked me last week in an email what she did to offend me. Sometimes when we don't know how to cope, we freeze people out. Your friends may not know how to talk to you and may not know the right questions to ask or the right things to say. IF certainly makes us a unique bunch. I think the tendency is to isolate ourselves or we get pushed out of a "normal" group. Without you guys, I would choose not to talk to anyone about IF.

I have no RL friends that are in my situation, at my age alot of them are grandmothers and just drive me crazy with the grandkids pics or there are the very young, unmarried, not wanting to be preggos that I work with that complain constantly. I just duck my head and go another direction when I spot any of them. This message board has been my salvation for almost 3 years now.

Yes it is very isolating, I've got a few friends who are no loner friends becase of what they have said or they just distance themselves. I don't waste my energy in trying to maintain contact as I need to focus on me and its something I won't forget if i eventually do get pregnant.

You really do find out who your friends are and what annoys me is that as soon as they have a problem they don't have time for you (even though I am always there for them). I'm starting not to talk about it to them and just talk to my husband and one friend who is going through similar problems.

I totally understnd where you are coming from. I swear I feel like an outsider or the alien because most of my friends or associates are pregnant or have kids and they don't have a clue what I'm going through. So the easiest thing for me to do is stay away because some people can be SO insensitive and cruel.

I agree with MomHopes 100%, the conversation ALWAYS comes back to their pregnancies and or kids and at this point I have nothing to add or they feel like I dont understand b/c I'm not a mom. I come to DS for support and it does help sometimes but Im also trying to find other beneficial ways to get through this too. I hope and pray things get better for all of us soon.

I, like several others, have isolated myself from my friends. I agree that they just can't understand, tend to make insensitive comments or tell anecdotal stories, and are generally uncomfortable with the subject. So I admit it, I was hiding out from them. I am trying to come out a bit more these days. At first I was really secretative about the whole thing for exactly that reason. Now I have switched gears. I just don't feel like I should have to bear the burden of other peoples feelings at the moment. My own feelings are are a struggle as it is. I have taken to telling friends exactly where we are in the process and how I've been feeling about it. Do they truly get it...? Probably not, but at least I feel better. Their discomfort is a fraction of what we have to endure. If they're true friends I figure they'll be willing to help share the emotional load.

I am reading through all of these comments and it makes me realize how many people are going through what I am going through. I want to transport all of you to my city!!! I miss my friends but anytime I spend too much time with them I am depressed and sad for days! It isn't their fault any more than it is mine. It just is what it is. I tried to explain to one friend how much energy it takes for me to spend time with people anymore. Like I build up reserves but it's like I have a small leak and throughout the time together it is slowly leaking out until I am completely deflated and I can't put on my happy face anymore. Does that make sense? She just got all self conscious when I said that.

I have two friends left who are not pregnant yet. One is "not preventing" and the other is actively preventing!!!! I am clinging to my actively preventing friend like a life line because she is so happy and content in her life. She and her husband are so great together. She always says, so truthfull, that she really doesn't know if she wants children. She helps me to focus on what I have, and she always tells me how beautiful, smart, funny and all around wonderful I am. We talk about traveling, our careers, our marriages, so many things. The things I USED to talk with ALL of my friends about. Now, everything is baby this and baby that, and "I can go for a walk but I need to bring the baby". Or, I can't go, I just put the baby down for a nap. Or they call and it's about "guess what my baby just did"!! Like I said earlier though, it is no more their fault than it is mine because I would be talking about my baby too if I had a baby. But I don't, and I am painfully painfully lonely. My friend who is my life line lives 3 hours north of me so I hardly ever see her. Do any of you want to move to Michigan? We have beautiful summers with GREAT beaches!!!! Anyone? ;-)

You just said exactly what I am feeling. They really don't get it and they treat me like a freak with a lot of 'what's your problem? just do IVF or adopt!' type comments. Or I'm just not nice to be around anymore because I get sad. Sorry my life is hard on you my so called friends but have you ever thought it's hard on me too? I have discovered a lot about people and a lot of it has been disappointing. People I thought were my good friends have not been able to see past the behaviour to the inner struggle. They just see someone who doesn't participate in baby showers or get excited about pregnacies. Someone whose face becomes cloudy if the conversation turns to babies. They don't see the deep sadness. Even thought they KNOW it doesn't really affect them - but my actions do. On the other hand some unexpected people have stepped up and been wonderful and I'm trying to focus on them and let go of the people who I thought I could count on. As much as that hurts.

And sha2005. .. summed up so brilliantly.