I'm hoping that getting this out will help somewhat; I've been ttc for over 3 years and haven't found a community of support beyond my husband/immediate family. Maybe someone here has been through something like this? 

Backstory: We found out my husband had very low morphology (0-1%) late 2014 and opted to try IUIs before jumping into IVF. We kept putting it off because I was young (27 then) and he was taking supplements that got his count up really high; even though IUIs kept failing I wanted to believe the "just relax and it will happen!" approach so we took some breaks and tried naturally.

We took the leap in November 2016 to IVF. Throughout all our checkups I was reassured things should go well-- my ovaries looked like I could be a donor and my lining was always perfect. Turns out, I definitely could NOT be a donor. 18 mature, 11 fertilized, and we ended up with two day 6 blasts and one day 7. One day 6 turned out abnormal (PGS testing). My eggs just aren't the quality they should be at my age. We did a freeze all so that my body could get a break. When we were ready for an FET, something turned up on my sonohystogram. Hysteroscopy revealed mild adhesions that required surgery. All these imperfections had just been hiding and here we thought ICSI would solve all our problems.

Finally, this month we were really ready for a transfer... and I got a positive. I could not believe my eyes. I started to feel my uterus stretch, round ligament pain, and could not drink enough water to save my life--but I loved every minute of it. My first beta showed I was definitely pregnant-75- but my doc would have preferred it was over 100. On a hunch, I kept taking hpts and slowly watched the line get lighter and lighter. I had my second blood test today and know I've had a chemical pregnancy.

I thought I had experienced every kind of pain that existed from infertility, but there is no comparison for this. For a few days I saw this life in my head that I always wanted, and walked around cherishing this little would-be person in my tummy. This is a pain from so deep down in my body. I'm either crying or catatonic. How do you grieve something that barely even existed? Each minute is a struggle.

The months just keep flying by. I expected to be pregnant in March, then June, now who knows? We aren't going to quit, but sometimes it feels like there really might not be light at the end of the tunnel. 

Thanks for reading. It does feel better to get it out.