My husband and I have been TTC for almost six years.  For the first few years, we didn't want to stress about it since we were still young. A few years of trying and my sister got pregnant before me, it took a little pressure off me from my parents, but I felt like it should have happened for us by now.  I went to my OB and explained that we had been trying for several years with no luck, she prescribed all the necessary tests for me and a semen analysis for my husband.  All my tests came back clear, but my doctor called and said that they found no sperm in my husbands same.  NONE. She asked about how he tested and seemed very confused, then recommended that he go in and try another test.  Same results. There was nothing.  He took these results to our general DR and she did some lab work, but could tell by looking at him that he has a rare syndrome where he produces no sperm.

Everything was put on hold regarding TTC, we were lost and confused, and in grief to find out that he could never biologically father a child. He was dealing with so much and it was completely overhelming to both of us to find out that he would require a lifetime of medication.  We went to specialists and found out everything we needed to do.  How do you even go on with the fact that your husband can never be the biological father?  I was absolutely heartbroken; our child would never get his traits that I loved so much.  I felt like I had to be strong for him, often crying in the shower or when I was alone so I wouldn't make him feel worse. He had a hard time actually acknowledging his feelings and would hold everything in until he would erupt with emotions.  The new hormones made him have very low, lows and it was hard being around him at times. He told me that he would understand if I wanted to leave him since he was broken, but I could never do that. He was no longer the carefree, fun loving man I married which made me feel even worse. 

It look about a year, but we got everything figured out with my husband and we decided to move forward with TTC. After a few months of dealing with difficult insurance, my parents were gracious enough to ofter financial help so we could just move forward already.  We found a great RE and felt very hopeful going into it.  We thought we would just go straight to IVF but the RE said that IUI would be the better option to start with. We scoured profiles looking for a sperm donor. I felt overwhelmed trying to think about some other man's personality and physical traits and decided to just let me husband pick whoever he wanted; I was getting to the point that I didn't care about anything other than just having a baby.

We had our first IUI in the beginning of June. During the dreaded TWW, I was trying to balance feeling optimistic while knowing that it was only a 22-24% chance of actually concieving.  I knew the chances of it working the first time were slim to none, but all the positivity from my family and husband made it hard not to start thinking that it was going to work.  I couldn't wait the 14 days to take a test, I took one on day 10, the day before father's day thinking that it would great if I had a surprise for my husband,  and got a BFN.  I was more surprised than anything that I didn't cry.  I knew it could still be too early.  The TWW was over and I took a test before work that morning, it was still negative.  I had an extremely difficult day at work, constantly on the brink of tears.  At home that night, my husband and I had a good cry after I forced him to face his emotions.

I woke up the next day feeling optimistic and ready to try again.  I started my period and my medication a few days later.  I went yesterday for an ultrasound to see how my lining and folicules were developing after being on 50mg of clomid for 7 days.  It was so disappointing to hear that they wanted to wait 3 more days to let everything develop and then see me again to check on the measurements.  The first IUI, the same thing happened and I was fine, but for some reason I just couldn't handle that news this time and felt like I was going to cry in the doctor's office. I just faced my feelings and let myself have a good cry later that night. I always feel better after getting it out and can start the next day optimistic.  But I can't help wondering, what if it never happens?  How do I go on knowing that being a mom is the only thing I have ever constantly wanted in life could never happen?  What would my future even look like?  We only have done the one IUI so far with another next week, but I can't stop from wondering.  

Everyone tells me that it will work out, but I feel alone. My husband tries to be supportive and he is the majority of the time, but he doesn't know exactly how I feel and how difficult it really is for me. The medication is making my emotions more intense, but I know that I'm not over reacting.  I don't have anyone to talk to that has gone through this and I'm just struggling with everything...