I've posted here before but to recap, I'm 32 and my husband and I have been trying for almost four years.  It took me a couple months to be okay enough to post about it, but we've been through six IUI's.  All of them failed to make me pregnant.  Here's the kicker.  My infertility technically isn't that bad.  Low progesterone, one blocked tube, and a couple of (supposedly) benign congenial defects.  Ovulation was happening naturally but weakly.  In fact we had the doctor tell us that we should have been able to get pregnant naturally at least once in the (then) three years we had been trying.

I'd like to say I held out hope until after the sixth IUI, but I didn't.  I gave up hope after the fifth and simply did the sixth so I wouldn't suffer the "what if's" later on.  We could do IVF, but even doing a single one would stretch our finances to the absolute limit and I'm not paying 20k+ for a maybe.  I already feel bad enough about what we've spent on (what I feel is) my defective uterus already.  Like someone in a casino I've lost enough money on this gamble and I'm not risking the shirt on my back or writing IOU's in the hopes that lady luck changes her mind.  My husband wanted to do IVF but he had concede in the face of overwhelming cost and quite frankly didn't want to pressure me into a stressful situation.

Adoption was always part of the game plan.  We always planned step one of expanding our family would be bio kids, then step two would be adopting from foster care.  All that's changed is step two is now step one.  I can't say I'm not bummed, because I am, but this won't be the first time my life plans have been upended and at least this one is a slight alteration rather than having everything turned upside down.

I guess in general I'm just relieved its over in a way and I can finally give up and move on to the next phase in my life.  My entire lifestyle has revolved around this for almost four years; from the food and beverages I consume, to the exercises I do, and even the deoderant I wear.  So I'm moving on.  I buying teas that are not pregnancy okay.  I'm doing the higher intensity workouts.  I'm drinking that amaretto sour while eating sushi and not giving a damn about where I am in my cycle.  I'm dedicating these few months to healing emotionally and being my own person again.  I hope all of your fertility journeys are more sucessful than mine.