Infertility Support Group
In vitro fertilization is one of the most common and utilized ways of treating conception problems. This support group is dedicated to those beginning their journey with IVF and needing support. Join the community and share your experiences, advice, and story with people going through similar challenges starting a family.
Hi, everyone. I have a very close friend who has a four year old son and a 19 month old daughter, both through unplanned pregnancies. She had her first with her boyfriend not long after they started dating, and then she got pregnant with her second after my DH and I already started trying. Both times were oh crap, we can't afford this, and now they're constantly struggling financially. She knows of our infertility struggles (we've been TTC for well over two years now), and we have talked about it numerous times. And she even says she doesn't really understand b/c she's never been there, but she's willing to listen. But even still, every time we see each other and her kids are acting up, she says: "Are you sure you want one" or "do you want mine?" When she first started making these comments, I would just brush them off b/c I knew that she wasn't meaning to be insensitive. I know I'm being overly sensitive, but this is also a very sensitive topic. She was just over on Saturday, and she said it so much that I was very close to snapping at her. (I wanted to say it's not my fault you got knocked up and can barely afford to take care of your own kids, and I would much rather deal with little ones acting out than never have children of my own.) I'm afraid one of these times I will, and I do value her friendship so I don't want to come off as a complete witch. Do you have any suggestions as to how I could tell her I don't appreciate her comments and wish she wouldn't say them (without sounding snarky)? Thanks for any advice you can give me!
Danielle3502
Thanks, I appreciate your feedback! I also have not told a lot of people, only close friends and close family. Sometimes I do regret having told some people at all! She really is a good friend, I know she doesn't mean to hurt me. So if I nicely tell her, I'm pretty sure she'll stop (and feel really bad, which I hate to do too). I did just say to my husband the other day that this is making me want to spend less time with her, which I'd rather not so I figured I should find a way to tell her how I feel about it. I read your blog; you have some really good points about entitlement. I know what you mean. Best of luck to you! Thanks again!
deleted_user
I really think the general public needs to be educated on IF and how difficult it is because they truly do not understand. I would spell it out for her and explain how and why these comments hurt. I had a friend who used to make comments like, "you sure you want one after seeing mine?" (along with constantly complaining about her pregnancy) and although it took a few times, I think she finally got it and cooled it with the comments. Even if you aren't comfortable with being public about your struggles, try to be honest with people when they hur you (as hard as it may be) and if they don't get it, maybe take a break from them. Hang in there!!!!
deleted_user
If it were me, I would say something BEFORE I snapped. I would make it short and sweet. Let her know that sometimes her comments bother you since you're struggling to conceive and if she could please not say those things anymore. If she continues to, then she's being insensitive to your feelings on purpose. It's very unfortunate what people can say and they don't even realize it/or they simply aren't thinking. We've all been there. I'm sorry you're having to deal with this.
Danielle3502
Thanks, girls! I did try to put it in perspective for her. I asked her if she would rather deal with the "trials" of parenthood or not have them at all. Of course she said she would rather have them since she does love them, and now that they're here she can't imagine life without them. But I still think I need to spell it out to her that it's not an easy thing for me to hear all the time. Wouldn't it be nice if the general public were more educated about it? Maybe one day, and maybe then all insurances will be required to cover IF treatments as well! It seems crazy that they will cover you to diagnose the problem but then after that, you're on your own. Sorry you girls are having to deal with this too. Thanks again for all your advice. Hope you're having a good day!
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