Infertility Support Group
In vitro fertilization is one of the most common and utilized ways of treating conception problems. This support group is dedicated to those beginning their journey with IVF and needing support. Join the community and share your experiences, advice, and story with people going through similar challenges starting a family.
Hi everyone,
as some of you know I did a lecture the other week about IF to a group of about 800 students. It was scary but fantastic! it was amazing to see how much people were touched by our journey and I am hoping this gave them some understanding of what we face.
One of the things that struck me is the way IF is seen by society. there are so many misconceptions and misunderstandings!! for example one person told me (after having highlighted the fact that one in six couple will experience IF issues) that they thought it was an 'older' woman's problem and not something that anyone could potentially experience!
So I was wondering what you think, how do you think society sees people with IF, particularly women. I will not use ANY of the information given here for any purpose. I just want to see what you guys think.
as some of you know I did a lecture the other week about IF to a group of about 800 students. It was scary but fantastic! it was amazing to see how much people were touched by our journey and I am hoping this gave them some understanding of what we face.
One of the things that struck me is the way IF is seen by society. there are so many misconceptions and misunderstandings!! for example one person told me (after having highlighted the fact that one in six couple will experience IF issues) that they thought it was an 'older' woman's problem and not something that anyone could potentially experience!
So I was wondering what you think, how do you think society sees people with IF, particularly women. I will not use ANY of the information given here for any purpose. I just want to see what you guys think.
I'm so glad you posted this, because I had a very interesting convo the other day with someone close to me. We were talking about IVF, and this person said "I just don't see you ever doing that. You guys aren't IVF people." When I asked what exactly IVF people looked like, he said " When I think of IVF, I think of desperate women who sit in rocking chairs, knitting sweaters for the kids they don't have yet."
Needless to say, my jaw hit the floor. I really hope this isn't how most of society sees us. And I honestly don't even think this person really believes this. He said he got this view from media, so maybe media makes us out to look desperate? Obviously, we know different- we are some of the strongest women out there :)
One thing I would like to say is that I feel like my friends (and most of society) think that IF is just really no big deal. I've told a few of my friends, and it's almost like they wash it under the rug and move on. Just the other day, a friend posted a picture of a book about natural family planning on instragram and how her friends who are struggling need to read it. Well, I know about conception, when I'm ovulating, I've charted, etc. I wish "natural family planning" would work for me, but it just doesn't. People think that b/c you deal with IF, you must be doing something wrong - maybe not sure when you ovulate (timing is off), you need to stop drinking caffiene or maybe you need to destress and not "worry" about it. They don't know that things could really be wrong and "natural family planning" doesn't work for everyone. I hope that makes sense.
Good luck!!
I've been hesitant to talk to any of my friends outside of DS about my journey because like many other women have already stated, if you haven't lived it you just don't get it. I think the topic makes most people uncomfortable, they don't see it as a medical condition and they try to down play it by saying just relax, it will happen when you're least expecting it, just take some meds, blah blah blah.
When in reality its not as simple as taking Femara or clomid. That doesn't always work and it doesn't fix the problem!
Thank you for being a voice and speaking out for all of us!
I agree that IF is misunderstood. People definitely seem to blame the patients (us) and can't wrap their minds around the pain of it. Everyone knows someone who "struggled" and then did X and got pregnant. So, they think there are so many simple answers and we are being drama queens.
Last month, my husband and I were updating his brother and sister-in-law (27 y.o. and married for one year) about our surrogacy journey so far, and after sharing, she said, "Do you think it would have made a difference if you started younger?" I know it was an innocent question, and I'm pretty sure she was digging for information for her own future TTC (she is now terrified that SHE will have infertility issues after she's seen our struggle over the past five years), but it was a dagger through my heart. To think that somewhere in her mind, this is a direct result of choosing to be married for five years and then starting to TTC when I was 29 (I'm now 34). I felt so blamed and misunderstood.
I guess I have never really given much thought to how people view IF, but now that I think if it I probably had some views on it when I was younger too. I think it may be because IVF and other treatments are becoming more of the norm for us, and the whole "you will never have kids" diagnosis that our parents got is mostly gone, unless it's backed with testing. It is really sad that treatment is not covered, but we have come a long way from our parents time. My parents tried for 5 years. They had no tests that could be done, and no hope at all. Their first pregnancy ended in a miscarriage and my mom was just so happy she could conceive... she had no other way of knowing. I live in MA, where IVF is required to be covered by insurance companies.. unless the company is self insured. My company is and therefor chooses not to cover it. I'm leaving my job because of this. I do plan to write a letter while I'm applying for new jobs just to give insight to my company on why it should be covered. It's like a slap in the face when they would normally have to cover it, and they choose not to. I hope if I'm not around to benefit from it, maybe someone else will be. And other states should follow in MA's footsteps. I have confidence that more will. I just hope that it is soon.
Your lecture was important because those 800 people will be making decisions one day. A decision to cover IVF, a decision to comfort a friend with IF, or a decision to go through IVF themselves. And because you spread knowledge, you spread a positive outlook on IF, and because of that I'm thankful!
I have a friend who is 42 and has been waiting for her bf to pop the question for 10 years! She doesn't know our IF struggles so I kind of ask her randomly if she wants kids. She desperately does, it's very important to her, but she is waiting for her bf to get ready. My advice to her was to stop taking the pill and just get pregnant because her time is running out. I know... I know it sounds mean, but I wouldn't wish this on anyone. Her response was, Oh when we are ready we will just do IVF or adoption, so I'm not worried. Really? Like its that simple. I'm 10 years younger than her and I just had a BFN from IVF.
Maybe there is a better way I can provide insight by shedding some light this way:
"What I would tell my 20 something year old self"
Do you really want to have children? I mean, REALLY, do you want to have children? Then you need to think of the following: what would happen if you couldn't get pregnant naturally? Are you aware of the statistics around age and egg viability? Do you know that regardless of age, there are issues that just get ranked under the "unexplained infertility" column on a medical chart? Do you have a loving partner that would explore options with you and not lay blame on either of you? Could these options include: medical procedures to make your uterus more viable or fertility procedures such as IUI and IVF, donor eggs, adoption, a surrogate - any / all of the above?? Do you have an idea around the cost of these procedures? Do you understand that in many cases, insurance covers a minimal portion of these procedures (or may not cover them at all)? Can you come to grips with the fact that if not pregnant naturally, that you will be put in a position of having to invest, not only monetarily, but emotionally, in a CHANCE to have a child whereas many in life (some not so deserving) get to bring a child into this world for free? Are you prepared to watch the news where kids are left in dumpsters, abused, neglected, left to foster care, when you are ready and willing to be a good parent but it just doesn't happen?
Having answered these questions early on would have opened my eyes and helped me be more proactive and less reactive to my situation. It would have also fostered an honest and probing dialogue between my husband and myself. Who wants to talk about these uncomfortable things early on in a relationship? Nobody, since it's certainly not very romantic, but it exposes feelings, reservations, explores limits.
All I know about my medical limitations was that at some point I developed fibroid tumors and eventually discovered my uterus never was viable, even after numerous surgeries. My husband was conservative about starting our family due to wanting it to be the "right time" where we were "more secure", so I was on birth control until the age of 39, a decision I would not repeat. Woud I have tricked my husbnad and dumped the b/c pill? Maybe not, but I would have researched this information more dilligently to be armed with facts. I have a good friend who raised her son on her own. She tells me that the most rewarding time in her life was nurturing her child in the lean years - not a lot of money, no father in the picture, but they made it through. She could not be more proud of her son today, age 21.
Final thoughts: nobody really gets it until they are in this horrible situation, which I would not wish on my worst eneym. But to be prepared with information can make us more powerful. Groups like this one are wonderful because we share the same raw feelings. What also makes us unique is that most people (at least in my case) that I know either have children or if they don't have children, are childless by choice. We are in an entirlely unique category, and at the very least society should be more enlightened as to our journies and be empathetic so that they can be a better support system for those going through this. My two cents...