Let me preface this by admitting that this is the first support group I have interacted with. Why now? Well, we're two years into this journey and just now entering the world of IVF. I figured this would be a good place to start because it sounds like its going to get worse before it gets better - I think this may be what I need to air some grievances with myself.

I am a healthy (active and food conscious) 30 year old woman. My husband and I have been diagnosed with "Essentially Unexplainable Infertility", meaning every test we take comes back normal and there is no medical reason to blame for our infertility. So where do I start with those grievences?

Gosh, I already feel ashamed and guilty for these thoughts, but this is supposed to be the safe place to let them out, right? What bothers me today is:

1. I have some friends who have a child, but also have reproductive issues. She says "I love my son", "I love my son" cooing after him. And I just can't help thinking At least you ARE a mom. While I am surrounded by people who should understand, it segments me from them and I feel even more isolated.

2. Why? Why does this happen to me? What did I do to piss off God so much that despite 2 years of prayers (from myself and family) does every month get punctuated with a period? I guess I keep hoping that if there is no medical indicator, then maybe a spiritual one?

3. Managing my anxiety has been a big hurdle for me. I suffer from constant low level anxiety and occasional acute panic attacks. It affects my job, my marriage and I fear is affecting my fertility. I just want to smile again, laugh again, relax and take a deep breath again (taking a deep breath to calm down doesn't count in this case). I regularly feel that if I could just get over it, step aside, push it aside, stop feeling the guilt, let go, change my ways (insert inspirational quote here) I would feel normal again. But I can't seem to do that. I worry constantly about everything and every moment is defined by its odds. There are undefinable moments containing relaxation, but I can't quite find out how to hold on to it. 

4. I have never ending hope - which I hear is a good quality when you are circiling IVF dates on the calendar. Despite the minimal odds that the doctors love point out each month, I am still hopeful that my period won't come. And then it does. 

I understand that each journey is unique and it helps to not compare. It's the mantra I'm following both externally and internally in hopes that one day my journey will have some good news at the end of the month.