Hello to all of my fellow women. I am new to this but desperately need at this point. Bless all of you for being strong enough to share your stories.

I am now 36 years old & my journey began over two years ago. My husband & I were married in May 2015 & a few months later began what is now considered a never ending road. We were so excited to start that next chapter. By the end of that year I was growing concerned. Absolutely nothing was happening. I had invested in ovulation kits, basal thermometer, & joined every fertility tracker. Meanwhile many of my friends were having babies with ease. When the recommended year elapsed, I went to the OBGYN. Blood tests were ordered but in the meantime I began a round of Clomid. Still nothing. By this point the doctor had enough information to send me to a fertility specialist. That was startling. One of the first tests performed was an antimullarian level. That was my first indication something was terribly wrong. Sure enough that level was low; uncommon for someone my age. We moved on to try IVF knowing our results might not be great. Sure enough they weren’t. After an abnormally large amount of medication I only produced one egg. After a few days I received the news that that egg wasn’t even mature & the prospect of another round would not produce any better result. I have never been so devastated. I am like most women who just assume pregnancy is a given. I mourned the loss of my fertility & any chance of my husband & I having our own children. We looked into using a donor for eggs since my stock seems to be the problem. After taking months to find one & all of the testing needing to be repeated we finally were gearing up for transfer. Wouldn’t you figure my lining was not right. The rest of the procedure went off without a hitch. We received 7 blastocysts in total which I am forever grateful to the anonymous woman for giving. After a few more months I was finally ready. I had a FET done in November which resulted in my first pregnancy. Happy, right? All of my subsequent tests were showing positive results. Then I began to lose tenderness in my breasts & a dry occasional cramp. Of course I research & find some mixed stories. I just went in for my 6.5 week ultrasound only to find my concern was correct. I have a blighted ovum. This was supposed to be it. I was finally going to get my chance after almost 2.5 years. Sadly I now have to wait for my body to abort the pregnancy. 

I know many of my friends & friends friends that have some kind of infertility. Almost all have been rectified though. I am just trying to hold it together; trying to find the positives & stay focused. I just am so angry & depressed. I know I make people uncomfortable because they don’t know what to say. And most haven’t been through all of this to understand how I feel. I feel this is all my fault. I shouldn’t have waited so long to have kids. What if something I was exposed to at work caused all of it? Even my husband can’t grasp why I just can’t shrug it off & be patient. All the while visions of never carrying children are circling in my mind. This is why I am here. I need to find others that actually know how it feels & might have some ideas on staying sane. Thank you for letting me vent.