Hello, new here. I am 35 years old and have been trying to concieve for about 2.5 years.

I didn't have a clicking "biological clock" until I was engaged to be married. I assumed it wouldn't be difficult once I decided to start because my sisters both had three relatively easy and healthy pregnancies each. My mother had three successful pregnancies as well.

I suspect I had a miscarriage on my honeymoon, which is not a great memory. I will forever question many of my actions beforehand, even though there was no way I could have know. I was kind frustrated out of the gate that my OB-GYN hasn't addressed certain aspects when we first started trying, she blew it off and said "lose weight, and I'll see you in a year" I was 33 at the time so I knew my time frame was growing smaller and smaller every year. Luckily when I went back a year later with no pregnancy, she listened to me and looked closer at my records, which ultimately led to an HSG.

At the HSG they found what they believed to be a septate uterus. I was crushed. As someone who's struggled with self esteem and never feeling "right" it just confirmed that I was warped. I sent a text to my mom and sisters and explained to them that my odds weren't good. They were as supportive as they knew how, but I was beginning to feel more alone. 

After further testing they suggested surgery, where they confirmed septate uterus and also found endometriosis, which they felt they were able to fix. It was a painful recovery but I felt hopeful. After 6 months they started me on the clomid regime. No success there either. They've suggested IUI and eventually IVF. But that is a whole other can of worms.

In all the ways that my husband is supportive, I feel like he doesn't understand the pain I go through every month. How it burns a hole in me to see a big pregnant belly. The sorrow when another person makes a birth announcement. Feeling downright selfish when a friend who has struggled with infertility gets pregnant and I cry, "but why not us?" Feeling bitter when friends post about what a pain their kids were today. How talented and wonderful they are the next gets you too. It gets to the point where even looking at neices and nephews pictures brings me more sorrow than joy.

One of the hardest things I had to do was recently flat out telling my nephew, "not everyone can have children." And I know it's true too. I'm just struggling a lot right now. I know my time and options aren't completely closed, but I also feel I should be realistic.

I feel like a circus conductor sometimes, trying to keep my emotions in check, trying keep my marriage healthy and trying to move on every 24-28 days.