Infertility Support Group

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descrimination and infertility

missy12358104
missy12358104
A few weeks ago my husband and his family had a meeting. When my husband came home the first words out of his mouth was "we need to have an heir". I immediatly asked him why. He told me that his parents had their will written up and disgusse Sd it with him and his two other brothers. My husbands family owns a great deal of land that they rent out and in their will it states that the land would be divided between the three brothers and if something happened to one of them then their share of the land would be passed down to their heir or the remaining brothers. the problem is that I am infertile. I know that I will not be able to have children. If something were to happen to my husband then his share of the land would be passed to his brothers and I would be left with nothing. My sister in law on the other hand is pregnant so this is like adding fuel to the fire. I dont want to sound resentful but I feel that this is another way that my inlaws are trying to add pressure on myself and my husband to have a child. I feel as if I am being discriminated against for not being able to have a child. When my husband told me this I just cried and cried all night. Please tell me if I am right for feeling this way. Am I over reacting? Am I being too sensitive because I am infertile? Someone please help me. I dont want this to be a constant rift in our family.
deleted_user
deleted_user
No I understand totally how you feel. Every get together on my in-laws side is baby hell. How stupid that they would write it up that way. Even if your DH passed unexpectedly and you didn't have an heir I think you might be able to contest the will. But if it were my inlaws I would not care though because I honestly would not want anything of theirs anyway, especially if they wrote the will specifically so that I would not get it if my husband died. I really feel for you. Good luck with this situation.
deleted_user
deleted_user
That is terrible. I understand how devastating that can be. Not only are you dealing with infertility but you are being left out because of it. Im sorry you have to deal with this.
Can i be the devil's advocate though? Do they know that you cannot have children? Perhaps they just assume you will have kids soon now that the other brother is...They might be thinking they want to provide for their grandchildren (not thinking that you would be offended). I would never be able to discuss something like that with my in laws but maybe you can? They might not realize what they have done. I hope you are able to discuss it with them. If not, well all you can do is hold your head high and know that you and your husband have each other and that is worth more than they could ever leave to you. Good luck!
deleted_user
deleted_user
I understand how you feel entirely. I have often been discriminated against by my family because I can't have children. When we first got married, I stayed home because we immediately wanted to get pregnant. Now, my husband and I are more than pleased with the arrangement, with him in the military and our time is precious to us with a deployment coming up and it allows us to spend the most time together with his unpredictable schedule. But now that I have been diagnosed as infertile, my mother in law thinks that if I can't have kids I should be working. Even though my husband doesn't want to me to.

Its like, I'm sorry I have a defective uterus. You want to find more things that I can't do? Which trust me she does.
Trying4ever
Trying4ever
Infertility will always be there (until you have kids). You did not overreact. That is rediculous and your DH should have been more supportive and stuck up for you and him. I agree with trying2bamom, after this, why would you want anything of theirs anyway that would just remind you of them?

Praying for you !!!
deleted_user
deleted_user
I guess I am missing something totally. Does your husband not know you can not get pregnant? Because if he does, I would question why he would say that in the first place and if he doesn't know you should have that talk with him ASAP. Wanting a child should be for the simple reason of wanting and needing to be a mother. Land and money... when and if someone dies, I am not sure how this fits in with what other women are going through on the site. When you speak about how you feel not being able to have a child, I understand and my heart goes out to you. I am starting IFV myself and praying it works. My husband and I are lucky to live a comfortable life, but I would give up everything, except my husband, to have a baby.

My advice to you is, if your desire is to be a mom then I would research every way to make that possible and forget about anything else.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Im sorry to hear such news. Has the will already been executed? Depending upon the state you may want to consult a lawyer. If your husband is giving a life estate it may be tough for you, but if his parents are leaving him a piece of the property in fee simple, your state may have laws that protect spousal interest upon the death of one spouse (they will grant you an interest in the land if your husband should pass and the property is titled solely in his name). The only problem with this of course is if something should happen to him before his parents (lord forbid).

Good luck with both of your issues!!
deleted_user
deleted_user
do they not know what you're going through? even if they do, they may not have thought it through. i can understand wanting to keep the land in the family but the wording and technicalities are cold if they know that you are struggling to create a family. could the two of you have a will drawn stating that if something happens to dh, you would receive what is rightfully yours and his?
missy12358104
missy12358104
I really appreciate all of your input. Things have now gone from bad to worse. This made me cry for several days. I have tried to let them know how I feel but now they are not talking to me. None of my husbands family have talked to me for over three months. now not only am I being discriminated against for not being able to have a child but now I am also being shut out as well. I am so upset now
deleted_user
deleted_user
Why are they not talking to you? Because you can't have a baby?

If these people are not talking to you is that honestly such a bad thing? Maybe given what they have to say, it is a blessing that they are gving you the silent treatment.
deleted_user
deleted_user
That is horrible!!! I hope I don't step out of line here, but IMHO, it is your husbands job to help work all this out. I know that when DH and I first married, I had some HUGE issues with some of his family. My place was with DH and my issues were OUR issues. We talked it all out together and when his family were being ignorant, he stepped in. You are his wife and if, when or for what reason you choose to have children is between you and your husband. His place in all this is with you, he should be supporting you and comforting you and if there is an issue between you and his family he should work on fixing it.

I know we don't know totally what's going on because you didn't speak much to your husbands position on everything and I would love to know how he feels about it all but I really think you should talk with him and the two of you work on the issues with his family together.

I'll pray that his family come around soon. Dealing with IF is hard enough without having to deal with ignorant people also. Good luck.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Wow!! That is so incredibly cruel!!! I don't think your are overreacting or being overly insensitive. You are right to feel the way you feel. I am sure your DH is just as frustrated about the whole situation as you are. I mean, I think it's great that they want to make sure their grandchildren are taken care if something were to happen to them or their children. But you two shouldn't be left out because of your situation. However, if they are going to treat you this way, then forget them. You married your DH, not his parents. But....if you are wanting to try to get them to understand where you are coming from, I would sit down with your DH, explain to him how you feel and then the TWO of you should sit down with his parents and explain your situation. Especially the fact that you feel discriminated against. And if they won't listen to either of you, then I agree that you and your DH need to work out your issues together and what your plan is to start your family and leave them out of it. Dealing with infertility is one thing. Not having any family support just makes it harder. I am so sorry you are going through this. I really hope you can find a way to work things out.