I'm sure we're not the only couple out there that has done a great deal of time weighing the options/decisions that come with infertility. For 6 years now we've just been 'trying' and now we feel we're ready to do something. But what? Foster care seems the easiest route to begin. Our state is begging for families to become foster families. You are given a monthly allowance that not only covers the cost of the child's needs but helps offset the care your provide. You can adopt the child free of charge if/when he/she becomes available. It all sounds wonderful except the fact that it can take up to a YEAR for a legal decision to be made for the child's placement. In short, you can care for, love, and throw yourself into a little child, only to have him/her yanked away and put back into a previously abusive situation (after an entire YEAR of living with you!). The goal of foster parenting is to 'reunite the child with their birth parents'. Although adoption results many times, it is not always a possibility, and can leave you with a broken heart.
Adoption along with many other social perceptions has changed immensely over the past decade. Instead of the adoptive parents wandering through an orphanage and picking out a child (like they show in the movies) you fork out close to $10,000 for a Home Study and lay your entire life on the line to be scrutinized. The agency examines you're 'qualifications' as a parent and then submits your auto-biography to prospective birth mothers. It is the birth mother who chooses you as the future parent of her child. It is entirely her choice, and you have no say in the matter. Further, nearly all adoptions today are open, meaning you will have some sort of continual contact with the child's birth mother, father and possibly grandparents and other family members for an indefinite length of time. You can opt out of this, but doing so will GREATLY reduce your chance of getting picked, and if you're not chosen within a couple years, you MUST redo the Home Study for an additional $10k) Experts say open adoption is beneficial for all those involved. The birth parents feel less guilty and don't feel like they're 'abandoning' their child. The child knows they're adopted from a young age and knows their birth parents which doesn't leave room for secrets and family division. They also claim that the adoptive parents benefit from knowing where 'their' child came from... and can relate behavior and physical attributes to their biological parents to help understand them better. However, my husband and I do not like this idea of open adoption. The entire procedure seems to take away a lot of rights from the adoptive parent. It also leaves no room for us to make our own 'common sense' decision i.e. tell the kid he's adopted. In the end domestic adoption costs close to $20,000. We are made to jump through hoops to adopt a child we will love and support for the rest of our lives. Because of a physiological problem out of our control, we are put in a place of disadvantage (can't make our own kids), and it seems the agencies themselves are terribly inconsiderate of us and all energies are put forth to make the birth mother feel the most comfortable. I realize giving up a child would be the hardest thing a young woman would ever have to do. However, having to deal with infertility is very difficult as well. I do not understand how it is fair that after being 'put the wringer' and paying upwards of $20k I ALSO need to adopt the extended family of 'my' child. There is enough drama in this world and conflict, I really don't want to deal with more people in my life that will more than likely try to hold their authority and opinions over me. If I wanted to deal with baby momma's I would've married a man with children and became a stepmother. Instead, we are in this situation and EXPECTED to go along with all of it without a moment's hesitation. It seems to me, the agencies are playing on the desperation of the adoptive families, which is so terrible. I know this is the process, and there are many that say to just go along with it, but I'm stubborn and opinionated and I just don't think it's right. My husband and I didn't know we had infertility problems in the beginning of our marriage, so we used various methods of birth control to be 'safe' until our situation was stable and our finances were intact (we got married quite young). It was only then we chose to have unprotected sex and try to bring another human life into this world. It is for this reason I think the entire process has been the most frustrating. Perhaps it's judgmental of me, but I think the people that have shown the most responsibility be given at LEAST equal consideration in the adoption process if not more. I do realize it is EXTREMELY responsible for a woman to choose adoption over abortion, and for that I give them great credit. I also don't want to come across heartless, or a bigot... I just think our society has gotten so backwards that the folks that try to live 'right' are often at the bottom of the list.
I think a lot of adoptive parents feel this way, which is why international adoption has become so popular. There are LOTS of couples that just don't want to deal with birth parents and international adoption solves this - for a cost. It's upwards of $40,000 to adopt a child from another country.
This leaves medical intervention as our last alternative. As a person that tries to do things naturally all the time, it was the last on my list. With so many children needing homes or stuck in foster care I really didn't want to medically FORCE another life into this world when so many others are in need. However, due to long legal decision in foster care, and ridiculous protocols in adoption I feel it is our only option left. And who wouldn't prefer their very own biological child anyway? I don't like the idea of pills, shots and procedures to make a baby... but everything else just seems so hopeless. This too will be a GREAT financial burden, but we have visited an infertility specialist already and are one our way with IUI. I have looked extensively online for anyone else feeling as we do about adoption and it seems we're alone in this, which makes it all the worse. Are we really so heartless? I guess if medical procedures don't work we'll have to go along with their demands and just pucker up and hope for the best, but until then, as many couples are choosing, I think we're going to try the doctor's office.