So I'm having a bad night which in turned me to this site.I'm 42 and infertile. If I had $30k, I could probably do donor egg but I certainly don't have that. Im married 4 years and can honestly say I've been wanting a baby my whole life. A huge reason I got married. I'm only married 4 years but after going to Shady grove Fertility....they said I had less than a 1% chance of having my own child.I feel like I may have had an idea of this because we never used protection and I never got pregnant when I was younger on some careless occassions. That being said I just completed our foster parenting course.....so other than us not knowing what challenges these children will come with or if they will try to set my dog on fire...and then of course hope that their birth parents can get their sh*t together long enough to get these children back after I have poured my heart and soul in to them....we are waiting for a potential placement n ow. Tonight a friend came over to tell me she is pregnant and I swear I almost broke down. I held it together while she was here and though it was only an hour....it felt like 4 hours!!! The second the door closed behind her i fell down to the ground and fell hysterically apart. My husband came to console me but he knew....there is very little that would work. I literally don't ever feel i need to see this friend  again. I think there is  something mentally wrong with me..seriously. I lost a 30 year friendship...a few years back because of this exact same thing. I say I am happy for them....but let's face it....I'm not. I mean I am but I'm really not. I stay there listening to which hospital they are giving birth at and how her clothes are tight....and before you super think I am an awful person...These friends ...they know what I went through when I found out I was infertile. They know I didn't get out of bed for 2weeks when I found out. They know this is all I've talked about since I met them. So I told my husband....i don't think I am well enough to have friends. I'm afraid to see other friends in case anyone happens to become pregnant. I try to get excited for fostering knowing I'm doing a good thing and that I will love any child we get but it's different knowing I will have to give them back, that my husband and I will never experience child birth, that our existence stops with us. P.s. Even adoption is expensive. Same as egg donor. So we explored everthing. Sorry for my rant,I'm just over here having a pity party for one anand i know I'll be okay....just not at this moment. Thank you for listening