Infertility, Secondary Support Group
"Secondary infertility" is difficulty conceiving after already having conceived and carried a normal pregnancy. Apart from various medical conditions (e.g. hormonal), this may come as a result of age and stress felt to provide a sibling for their first child.
One of the questions on the survey from the research study on infertility (see January 2009 posts) was "How has infertility most affected your life?" I thought it would make a good discussion.
This was my response:
"It has everything to do with viewpoint. First, there was my childhood, where, with hope, I looked forward to the experiences of motherhood. I don't know if I somehow sensed my future, but the fear of not being able to have children loomed in the shadows. Second, there were the years of childlessness. This was the time when I cried the most tears, and prayed the most prayers. I judged harshly anyone who did not wish to be a parent or complained about being one. Third, there were the years with my first child, where I thought my heart would break with love and gratitude, while worries of her growing up alone haunted me. Fourth were the years of loving my children as much as children can be loved, while wondering if there are any left to come in the remaining childbearing years.
Infertility has most affected my life by showing me how much I have to be grateful for. I would go through it all again if it would secure me as the happy, thankful mother that I am. Children deserve to be cherished. I am so glad mine are!"
How has it affected you?
This was my response:
"It has everything to do with viewpoint. First, there was my childhood, where, with hope, I looked forward to the experiences of motherhood. I don't know if I somehow sensed my future, but the fear of not being able to have children loomed in the shadows. Second, there were the years of childlessness. This was the time when I cried the most tears, and prayed the most prayers. I judged harshly anyone who did not wish to be a parent or complained about being one. Third, there were the years with my first child, where I thought my heart would break with love and gratitude, while worries of her growing up alone haunted me. Fourth were the years of loving my children as much as children can be loved, while wondering if there are any left to come in the remaining childbearing years.
Infertility has most affected my life by showing me how much I have to be grateful for. I would go through it all again if it would secure me as the happy, thankful mother that I am. Children deserve to be cherished. I am so glad mine are!"
How has it affected you?
On the other hand, IF has also taught me that I am much stronger than I ever thought I was and given me great self-respect than I ever had before. IF has taught me so much about compassion and about reaching out to others when they are going through trials and that what may not look like a huge trial to one person may be at another person's limit and that that's okay. And IF eventually brought my DH and I so much closer, solidified our marriage like nothing else ever has, and has taught us how to support each other and how to communicate better.
I once read in a book written by a woman who experience IF that she was grateful for her trial. I never thought I would ever feel that way but I can honestly say now that I'm grateful for certain aspects of IF.
Good question, Babywishes. I'd love to hear how others respond to that.
My answer right now would be, that i am a whole different person now. i understand others, and their trials better, i am a better mother to my son, i understand my husband and our relationship better, i understand myself better.
i would not wish IF on any one, and if i could choose to go through this again, im not sure of my answer. but currently i like who i am right now, in this moment, shaped my by IF journey.
SIF has been one of the most difficult things I have ever had to go through (my daughter having medical issues at 1 yr was probably the worst), but SIF has challenged my husband and I in ways we certainly never expected. I do think it has given me some gifts though, like the fact that I value my daughter SO much every single moment of every day (even when she's demonstrating the challenges of the 'terrible threes'!) and I cherish every moment that we spend together. I am also more sensitive to others' struggles in this area, and now understand (all too well) that there are some questions you just DON'T ask people!
Our struggles with SIF have made our marriage even stronger and I feel like if this didn't break us, nothing can. I feel even more connected to him now, since we have been through every step of this together and he has become even more my very best friend. I have also seen the more sensitive and vulnerable side of my DH grow, and recognize that I am responsible for helping him through this just as much as he is responsible for helping me.
Overall, I guess this has experience has really matured me. I seem to understand now more than ever before that life is not fair and sometimes those who may be deserving of gifts do not receive them. I no longer believe that 'everything will just work out the way I want it to', but I am starting to see that life can still be rich and fulfilling if things end up differently than I planned.
Thanks for the question, you got me thinking tonight Babywishes!
EMPATHY: I used to think "bad things" happened to "bad people" ..."Stuff like that" happened to "other people". I thought that because I had experienced such great loss as a child that I would be immune to loss as an adult. My mom lost 2 children so I didn't think it would happen to me too. Sadly, my assumption was wrong. I can honestly say that I truly hurt when others hurt, even perfect strangers. Old Jessica wasn't like that. I could look away, not anymore.
RELATIONSHIPS: It has been almost 1 year since I registered with DS. This resource has helped me heal and find out who I am. I love deeper, laugh louder and stand up for what I believe in with respect for those who don't share the same views. I cherish the support and friendships I have made here which has helped me to be a better friend, mother and spouse.
XOXO Jessica
Infertility, it's such a harsh word. I see it everywhere and I wince when I see it. I like to think of it as a challenge we will all over come with the help of science.
It has also taught me that you shouldn't go up to someone and see their child and say "Oh, she's so big, when are you having another?"
But, throughout this whole thing, I have grown closer to my husband. He has helped me through so much. It has shown me that our marriage will truly stand the test of time.
I have to say secondary IF makes me feel lonely. I grew up an only child and currently live in NY but all my family is in Kansas. MY mothers family is a big farming family. I remember my grandparents ranch and aunts and uncles, family dinners, playing croquet and riding horses on 250 acres.
I worry that because my husband is also an only child, my daughter will never have that experience of family that is so integral to the way I grew up. I desperatly want another child so they will havve each other and she will never be alone.
When the RE said I might have twins on clomid I was thinking that would be great because 3 kids total is the size of family my mom grew up in and that seems just about right.
Through 6 surgeries, one lost pregnancy, and the monthly feelings of is now the time, I have maintained a better attitude.
I think the most difficult thing, has been my relationship with dh. Trying to understand as much as he can, he really doesn't. Some part of me has accepted that.
I have tried meditation, and wow, has it calmed me down. My bf says that when a feather falls near you, or you find one, it's the angels telling you that they are there. So keep your heads up!