Infertility, Secondary Support Group
"Secondary infertility" is difficulty conceiving after already having conceived and carried a normal pregnancy. Apart from various medical conditions (e.g. hormonal), this may come as a result of age and stress felt to provide a sibling for their first child.
Three years ago I was at the lowest point in my life after being diagnosed with Premature Ovarian Failure at age 27 and told that the only way I could have another child would be to do In-vitro fertilization via donor eggs or adoption. I was devastated and at the time taking Clomid, which many of you know can turn you into a completely different person. It is awful stuff to take.
Anyway, three days after my diagnosis, my sister-in-law's husband logged into her facebook account and announced that they were pregnant with their third child. I did what most family members would do and I called and congratulated them. They gave me a bogus due date and completely played things off. Come to find a few days later, they announced on FB that it was all a joke! With mine and hubby's infertility struggle along with 2 miscarriages, you would think that they would at least have had the courtesy to tell me the truth when I called to congratulate them. Because I was doped up on Clomid, I was a complete mess emotionally already, so I wrote him a very strong email (they live across the country) about how hurtful that joke was. He then got on to his own face book page and wrote a bunch of crap like for those Billions of people on fb, WARNING some may find what I say offensive. Then his friend posted some stuff joking and saying "man, I can't believe you would post something like this when you know me and ___ have been trying to have a baby, you are so rude, hahahahahah!" Then the two of them went back and forth making crude comments.
Now here we are three years later and my mother-in-law is butting in trying to get us to make up. She thinks I should be the bigger person and apologize, but I can't apologize to someone who would make such appaling and crude comments as he did knowing that it would hurt me. Apparently he feels that I owe him an apology because I unfairly accused him of targeting me as part of his joke. He and I are NOT okay. I just feel like I could not have respect for myself if I apologize to somone like that. As far as my husband and I are concerned, we do not need or want someone like that in our childrens' lives. I am not sorry for what I said in my email, although had I not been taking Clomid, I probably wouldn't have said anything to him in the first place about it. I feel like for the first time in my life, I was able to stand up to a bully, who I might add is the king of all bullies.
We did end up having twins via In-vitro fertilization, however, everything that was said and done is still quite painful. It doesn't matter how many kids we go on to have, our three years of infertility was the lowest time in our lives and all that pain isn't just going to quickly go away. I'm just wondering if anyone else would have done or said anything, or maybe could I just be overreacting?
Anyway, three days after my diagnosis, my sister-in-law's husband logged into her facebook account and announced that they were pregnant with their third child. I did what most family members would do and I called and congratulated them. They gave me a bogus due date and completely played things off. Come to find a few days later, they announced on FB that it was all a joke! With mine and hubby's infertility struggle along with 2 miscarriages, you would think that they would at least have had the courtesy to tell me the truth when I called to congratulate them. Because I was doped up on Clomid, I was a complete mess emotionally already, so I wrote him a very strong email (they live across the country) about how hurtful that joke was. He then got on to his own face book page and wrote a bunch of crap like for those Billions of people on fb, WARNING some may find what I say offensive. Then his friend posted some stuff joking and saying "man, I can't believe you would post something like this when you know me and ___ have been trying to have a baby, you are so rude, hahahahahah!" Then the two of them went back and forth making crude comments.
Now here we are three years later and my mother-in-law is butting in trying to get us to make up. She thinks I should be the bigger person and apologize, but I can't apologize to someone who would make such appaling and crude comments as he did knowing that it would hurt me. Apparently he feels that I owe him an apology because I unfairly accused him of targeting me as part of his joke. He and I are NOT okay. I just feel like I could not have respect for myself if I apologize to somone like that. As far as my husband and I are concerned, we do not need or want someone like that in our childrens' lives. I am not sorry for what I said in my email, although had I not been taking Clomid, I probably wouldn't have said anything to him in the first place about it. I feel like for the first time in my life, I was able to stand up to a bully, who I might add is the king of all bullies.
We did end up having twins via In-vitro fertilization, however, everything that was said and done is still quite painful. It doesn't matter how many kids we go on to have, our three years of infertility was the lowest time in our lives and all that pain isn't just going to quickly go away. I'm just wondering if anyone else would have done or said anything, or maybe could I just be overreacting?
deleted_user
No I don't think you were at all. I also think a mutual understanding or discussion needs to happen, not necessarily an apology. Besides, if you aren't sorry and someone else thinks you need to say it (or the other people) it doesn't mean anything and there is no healing. Agree that things were said, feelings were hurt or angered, but time to move on and past---if and when you are ready. Good luck!
kris10g
Thank you for your comment. I think you said it perfectly. An empty apology means absolutely nothing, but maybe if we can have a mutual understanding. Now I just need to bring myself to be able to sit in the same room with him to do that. Thanks again.
deleted_user
Idk. I post on fb those we are expecting things and at the end it says we are expecting Santa or what not. I do it because I have to laugh or I'll cry. I think you overreacted a bit.
deleted_user
I don't think you overreacted at all - they played a horrible prank, and when you expressed how upset you were over it (it's pretty dang hard to genuinely congratulate someone for a baby when you're TTC anyways, especially their third, WITHOUT it being a bad prank!), he publicly mocked the pain you were working through. If your MIL is so concerned about your relationship with him, tell her EXACTLY how you were feeling at the time and how very hurtful it is. HE owes YOU an apology, not the other way around.
deleted_user
I agree, I do not think you over reacted at all. and definitely do not need to apologize. His comments hurt you and so there is nothing for you to apologize for. infertility is a VERY stressful thing and unless you've experienced it, you just cannot relate as much as you try. We've been trying for 16 months now, and nothing. My mother in law keeps saying for me to hold on with giving away all my daughters clothes/toys in storage cuz she just has a feeling and I told her I cannot keep going on like this and planning on #2 when it just doesnt look like it's going to happen. #1 was conceived quickly and painlessly, so #2 still not being conceived after almost 1/5 years makes me wonder and question whether its meant to be. Anyways, in short, you did not over react and Im glad you stuck to your guns!
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