No, you don't deserve shame. You really really don't. Your dad physically and emotionally manipulated you. He probably told you that you wanted it and used your body's natural and uncontrollable reactions as evidence against you, or maybe you were using them against yourself so he didn't need to.

I don't believe you wanted anything more than normal healthy fatherly affection. Cuddles and hugs. No child wants more. No child, if given a free choice, would choose what your father did to you. You were not given a free choice.

These feelings are there tho' and they need to be dealt with. I have very similar feelings and issues, if not quite the same (you seem to remember more than I do).

I try to rationalise it by seeing my father as a particularly nasty drug pusher. Climaxing sends good feeling hormones rushing around the body - he forced a few (or as many as it took) doses on me so that my tiny child's body became hooked, despite my mind saying 'no' 'no'. It is this betrayal that I find hardest to cope with and hardest to forgive - my body betraying my mind and my will.

You are very courageous in opening up this discussion.

Hey, I sometimes feel the same way. That sick deep feeling of disgust for yourself. But don't let what your dad did make you feel like your sick as well. He's the monster, all of them are evil and will get there pain. Whenever I feel like this I listen to my favourite music or play a game, whatever that can make me happy and calm at the time the memory smacks me in the head. It's hard for me too since I find it hard to be positive and think ahead, but look forward and not back, it's the only way to go and the right way.

Thanks for the replies...
I now remember him laughing at me when he could tell I was turned on...he looked and sounded so pleased with himself at that.
I have been told I was already traumatized, I needed "safety". So I dissociated everything, so I could be "safe" with him...and he never had to force me to go to his bed. He never had to come get me.
I feel ashamed and frighteningly helpless at that.
I went to have sex with a grown man in my little onesie PJ's with the plastic foot soles on them...I remember standing outside his door terrified to go back to my room, terrified to go in, crying as quietly as I could.
@ Breakingtheshell...that's a good way to look at it...I will try to work at seeing it that way.
@ mixukgirl...sometimes distraction is a good thing, isn't it?

One of my memories. Standing outside my parents bedroom door and crying as quietly as possible afraid my father would come. I have no memory of what he did when he came out. But I was terrified of it. I eventually learned to not cry and just stand there as quiet as I could. I never cried again until my wife passed away. Now it seems that I cry every day. I'm crying a little writing this.

I thought the same thing, I was getting peed in. i remember it like it was yesterday. God I feel sick

@ Jacky :( sorry I set you off, hon...
I was told by my therapist I see a ledge (in therapy) and just jump right off of it...

@ Loum...I was not allowed to cry in front of my dad, he'd keep slapping me until I stopped.
...I was actually surprised recently to de-repress a physical abuse incident: him knocking me to the floor, then putting ice on my swollen lip so mom would not find out he'd given me a bloody mouth.
..And today, getting impressions of being knocked sideways into the banister on the stairs.
But that's another thread I guess...

You don't deserve the slightest bit of shame or self revulsion. Those feelings turned agains yourself are a legacy of the terrible abuse inflicted on you. That's why child sex abuse is so incredibly cruel - it leaves the victim blaming themself, hating themself, not feeling deserving of love. The only perpetrator in all of this is your father.
If you ended up over time getting 'enjoying' the sex, that, i believe, was purely a survival tactic on your part. You had no choice, so to alleviate the horror, your mind turned it into something seemingly enjoyable. You did what you had to do to survive.

Even though our stories may differ, the results are so similar. I am getting I touch with the anger and becoming better at focusing it on my father more often now. I'm assuming that means I'm getting better. It's uncomfortable but I'm not turning that anger on myself and I'm not hating myself for telling what my father did to me. I did not deserve what my father did to me and I did not deserve the damage that it caused.

Nelliefay described exactly how I coped with the abuse. Many people say that if your body responded it's just physical and not my fault. But I responded with my heart and mind. I felt the only way to survive the trauma was to embrace the sexual feelings. My abuse lasted all of my childhood. I really had no where to go. So now there is shame. Yeah. I guess that's the progression of the injury and cruelty we were delt. But of course it truly was not your fault nor mine. Little kids are not in control, we can not be at fault. I've been told the only thing to do with the shame is to share the story and seek understanding and keep hearing other's (who really know) that it was not your fault. But it still hurts, after a lifetime, it still hurts. Peace.

First of all, I understand your feeling of deep shame and difficulty working through it, I am there myself. With time you'll get there. NONE of this is your fault or ever perpetuated you! As Nellyfay said, it truly about survival.

This man, who was put on this earth to love and protect you stole your innocence plain and simple! Not only that he abused your trust. Our bodies were built to respond to the repeated sexualization we received. Without love, touch and attention a child dies. So if the abuse is connected to that attention it makes it easier for us to give in.

I don't believe it's so much an issue of heart and mind as opposed to reacting to the programming of sexual abuse, a need to please and love and acceptance received. Moreover as Nellyfay said, it's an act of survival. An 8, 9, 10 year old child is not going to associate sex in that way rather do what they are taught to do. Even with self exploration there is no connection to it all.

Please don't be so hard on yourself. I have to say this every 10 mins to myself. I'm sad your going through this. I can relate, I have battled in my abuse with my father and family too.

I think I turned the shame into self hate I felt people could look at me and see how horrible I was. My biggest fantasy as a child was to be I was invisable. Come to think of it I wouldn't mind being invisible now lol.

hylierandon - my father slapped me to make me stop crying too.
ausie34 - I think you're right about our bodies being taught and programmed - and that we learn to respond as an act of survival.

I can think of many stages I went through during the 14 or so years of abuse. When I was very young, I just knew it made me feel like a non-person, then he made me do things I didn't like, then he did things to my body and was pleased when my body responded. I became his doll and would have done anything for him at this stage. Then he did more, at first I resisted and then the resistance was worn down through repetition, threats and manipulation until I would do anything for him again. I don't know how many times this cycle happened, but underlying it all and used ruthlessly by him was my desire for attention - any attention, and my desire to live.

He taught me to seek sexual gratification
He taught me that to fight back was to suffer more
He taught me that the only way I could get attention was to do what he wanted - and to make it look as if I wanted it too.
In order to do this I convinced myself I wanted it too.
He taught me that to express my feelings could lead to beatings or death threats.
He taught me to ignore all my feelings, that his were to only ones that mattered.

I would have done non of this if it weren't for him.
It is the same in your case and I hope you get there so you can let go of the shame he put onto you.
The shame and guilt are not yours.

I agree ausie- very good points.