I'm very sorry hylierandom. ((((((hugs))))))) I'm 36 and single. I feel I am out of time too!

Women have had babies into their 50s. 40s are done all the time. You do have time. What you seem to lack babe is hope. I wish you could understand and see what we see when you post. You are so lovely. Tonight is obviously a low night for you. But please remember all of us here have got to know you. You really are terrific! Please take my word for it until you feel better. It is always good to be as healed as possible when you make a baby, but no parent was ever perfect. You do have time. The bio clock is loud but not run down. Please have hope. (((((((((hugs))))))))))

Hylierandom, I agree with GeorgeSand - "You really are terrific!" I can't imagine you are not safe with kids. I haven't been here long but your posts are so great. It sounds to me as if your wife might be scared not about you but about just being a parent in general. Working full time and raising children and keeping the house in order - those three don't go together - something has to give. My house stays a mess. Oh well. Quality time with my kids is more important than dusting and sweeping and every dish being clean. Then again, I am pretty laid back about housework. And I don't think you are out of time at all. Guys in their 40s and 50s father perfectly healthy kids all the time.

BlackDove - for what it is worth, a friend of mine had a lovely and bright child when my girlfriend was 41. One of my best friends was born to parents in their forties. You are not out of time either.

Safety with kids - let me just add that what happened to me affects my sexual relationships but has not made me dangerous around kids. I don't see my children or any child as sexually attractive to me nor do I have any rationalizations that "showing love" to a child would include any touching that is remotely sexual. One of my goals has been to teach the kids that there is nothing wrong with the physical body, that there is nothing to be ashamed of, but I also listen to their fears and feelings about bodies and I am accepting and affirming of them as individuals - that is what is important. We have very open communication and yet I have also taught them that we have to respect privacy about bodies too, even among family (for example, my kids are really close in age and they took baths together for a long time but now they are older and they have to respect privacy about each other's body instead of just walking in on each other in the bathroom). Sorry to go on but it seems really unfair that your wife accused you of being unsafe with kids when it's really not that complicated.

My big flaw as a parent is that I am such a nervous person that I lose my temper and yell. This is something I am working on. I've come to realize that I lose my temper when I feel scared and when I feel they don't care what I have to say (interesting huh - my abuser scared me and didn't care what I had to say!).

Hugs, hylierandom - I hope you find some hope today.

I agree that you still have plenty of time left to have babies.And it's not all that difficult to look after kids.Love and common sense, really.
It seems to me your wife is the one who is scared and puts her fear into compulsive house cleaning.A friend of mine suffers from this OCD and also has a phobia of babies because she had a traumatic childhood she is in denial about so she scrubs and dusts,dusts.
You sound a sensible, responsible, tender person to me who would do great with children because of that lovely inner child in you.

I'm estranged from both my kids right now. I don't even understand it completely why they have shut me out. They think it is outrageously obvious. So I started wondering if perhaps I hurt them while dissociated. I asked a friend on the MP board. She explained that dissociation is about personal safety against our own trauma. When you are abusive it is not a response to trauma. Abusers do not dissociation. So she reassured me that I almost certainly did not do harm to them while an alter was up and I lost time of it. I just want to reassure you that this will be true for you too. You at least do not have to worry that you will take your own trauma out on your future kids. We can have rage. But you will know how under control you are with that. You don't have to think your behavior will be beyond your control will kids. Having read your posts it's hard to imagine.

Nah, she thinks I'll get depressed and neglect the baby.
Which is possible.
I just figured I'd suck it up, chug coffee and be parental whether I liked it or not, when faced with a baby that has to have me there.

Um...I'm the one with the uterus in this relationship.
We're both a little, um, gender-interesting....o.O but I'm technically female.
We were gonna buy the necessary material from a bank or arrange for a private donor. There's a bank that does overnight shipping to residences for home...um...reproduction...

I'm afraid both of us are slobs ATM, we are getting better, It's just that it's not better enough.
I've worked hard on getting better.
She doesn't think I'm better enough.

She also does not seem to understand I was in bed all weekend to avoid her a few months in a row...
I was in a phase where her tendency to randomly shout at things was giving me panic attacks, and going around people was giving me panic attacks.

So home did not feel safe, and nowhere else was either...
I did what I did back when my parents were likely to take their problems out on me if they saw me and I was conscious. Go to sleep.
I was being unintentionally domestically terrorized...and that crap's pretty draining.
Yes I asked her to can it. She couldn't. She shouts when startled, angry or in pain, period.

I was going to have her scream into a recording device for a couple of minutes so I could play that and desensitize myself...but she never made the recording because she felt weird about it....

The end result was me hiding from her until recently, when I stopped having panic attacks every time she raised her voice.

...Besides, I agree with her, us having a child was never a good idea, it would be a BIG challenge.
She does not trust me with a child, and what am I supposed to think about myself when the one person I've allowed myself to trust looks at me and says she does not think I'm capable of taking care of a baby?

I am angry at her for pointing it out, but I have to think she's right.

I think it's her who is terrified of having a baby.You could try and talk about it in a calm moment.

I agree with moonface. I think your partner is scared and is projecting responsibility on to you.

I have 3 children - I had them before I even started to remember the abuse. I'm not the world's best mother but they seem to be doing OK and I'm a much better mother now than I was before I started therapy and healing.

What kids need most of all is love. If you think you can give your kid(s) genuine love then the rest (aside from food, water and shelter) is pretty unimportant.

hylierandom, I'm sorry I misunderstood your situation - have you and your partner tried couples counseling about this issue?

it is sad to see how you are feeling now - your partner seems to be focused on negative possibilities instead of how to make the goal achievable. I wish you could find a way to hope to have your dream instead of feeling that your dad destroyed you. I believe you are totally capable - but maybe your partner is just too afraid. It would be brave of your partner to admit that instead of trying to make you feel like you are the problem.

I hope today is a better day for you.

I am feeling...a little better.
We restarted couples' counseling.
That's another issue...
I love her, trust her, believe her...but me getting all PTSD'ed on her has been miserable for her.
She does not understand me at all.
I don't think I really can be made actually happy, but I feel very alone, and I don't want to feel so alone...it hurts.

So maybe giving up the idea of having a kid needs to happen.

I think having a child (s) is great! I do hope you two will come to agreement and talk more about it. Wish you luck, and It sounds like you really want to have a child?!
It seems that your partner is a tad bit afraid. Its normal to feel that ones not capable, and we even put that on our partners. We point things out when we need to make important decisions, but I think you should look at the heart of the matter. Do you two want a child?

hylierandom, what about giving up the idea of your current relationship? no one is ever "ready' to be a parent. You just do it. just because your partner is downing the idea does not mean it is not right for you. it might mean your partner is not right for you.

if your partner is more important to you than the dream of a child of your own then yes, giving up the idea of having a kid does need to happen. but honestly I just can't get past how your partner is projecting onto you. that is probably my own stuff. that is what happened to me - a lot of projecting from my partner, and it still goes on. the father of my kids is really good at manipulation and mind games - anytime he accuses me of anything, I now do a mental check - hmmmmm, he says I do X. .... guess that means he is doing X because I know I am not . .. it's just his way. he can't deal with his stuff, ever.

sorry to rant about my situation - I am sad for you about giving up on being a parent but only you know what is best for you. I am sure you will follow your intuition and make the right decisions. hugs to you, hylie!