Incest Survivors Support Group
Incest refers to any sexual activity between closely related persons that is illegal or socially taboo. Consensual adult incest is very rare. Incest between adults and prepubescent or adolescent children is a form of child sexual abuse that has been shown to be one of the most extreme forms of childhood trauma. If you or a loved one is a survivor of incest, join the group...
I keep reading of the shame that everyone is feeling here - this is the LARGEST stumbling block for survivors to overcome. THE SHAME IS THEIRS (the perpetrators) NOT OURS (the victims). I fully understand that often the mind games that our perps play on us is to make US feel the shame - WE are to blame; this is just their way of protecting themselves. I have worked with various abusers (mostly domestic abusers), but once I heard a perpetrator telling another therapist that his 3 year old step-daughter was "flirting with him" and that was why he molested her - at 3 years old (he was court-ordered into therapy!
If you are experiencing this, PLEASE focus and do some self-talk about how you were perpetrated against - and it is NOT your fault, all the blame is on the perpetrator, no matter what your knee-jerk reaction is! Stop the self-blame; this is NOT YOUR FAULT.
Some vic's are even "programmed" to initiate further interaction with their perp. I was told to do so, and under the thought that if I didn't he, would hurt me further, I started to comply. It took a long time to get past this, but I was a child and coerced into doing this. I was not the perp, HE WAS; Victim's also will initiate sex at times, in order to feel some control or power in the relationship. This is totally understandable in the situation. THe perp blow your boundaries out of whack and again THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT, no matter what you did to survive. And it was about survival.
I hope this speaks to someone, for it was a hard lesson to learn for me and I really want other's to profit from my struggle.
Best of all -
S.
If you are experiencing this, PLEASE focus and do some self-talk about how you were perpetrated against - and it is NOT your fault, all the blame is on the perpetrator, no matter what your knee-jerk reaction is! Stop the self-blame; this is NOT YOUR FAULT.
Some vic's are even "programmed" to initiate further interaction with their perp. I was told to do so, and under the thought that if I didn't he, would hurt me further, I started to comply. It took a long time to get past this, but I was a child and coerced into doing this. I was not the perp, HE WAS; Victim's also will initiate sex at times, in order to feel some control or power in the relationship. This is totally understandable in the situation. THe perp blow your boundaries out of whack and again THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT, no matter what you did to survive. And it was about survival.
I hope this speaks to someone, for it was a hard lesson to learn for me and I really want other's to profit from my struggle.
Best of all -
S.
I have lost most of the shame that I once felt. I know it was not my fault. I know that some of the times that I deliberately placed myself in front of him was not me asking to be hurt. It was me stepping in front of someone else. I was the older one, it was my job to protect. In no way does this mean that I was at fault. As someone who is just now dealing with a lot of the ramifications of it - I cannot read or think that enough. NOT MY FAULT.
How very brave and compassionate you are! You have carried the Momma-Bear with you for sometime it seems, and this gave you the ability to really protect your children.
I am proud to call you friend! Your family is very lucky to have you.
The best day to you!!!!
When I was younger and more driven by the imposed-shame, I posted a note that said "I am okay - They're all screwed up!"; I kept it where I would see it daily. Others thought it was a tongue-in-cheek view on life - but in MY mind the "they" were my abusers and this helped me, every morning to reaffirm that it was not MY failure or fault but my abusers. It really helped, and I did not have to explain what it meant as everyone else just took as somewhat of a joke. When the inevitable question of "who is they" would come up, I would just laugh and say "all the screw up's in the world." Kept it private, but available for me to view as needed.
Hope this help someone in their struggle.
I have been on a "find peace" kick lately, and I truly believe that if you confront the little abusers in our head, we will overcome this irrational absorption of others shame.
So, in that vein, I ask for peace to all victim's and this comes from finally blaming the correct person - the abusers.
Peace to you, solitudeisnear, for you deserve it.
You say, "I keep reading of the shame that EVERYONE (caps are mine) is feeling here...."
And I say, "Please don't speak for me." My voice was taken in childhood when I was helpless to stop it. I am no longer the helpless child and now have a voice of my own.
My voice agrees that shame is a huge stumbling block but would say it's a stumbling block for many, not for everyone; I simply cannot presume to know where people are in their healing.
Does what you said about shame need to be said? Absolutely. And it would not be too much to repeat it 1000 times. I only ask that you be mindful about speaking for everyone on the board; for me it's a trigger and reminder of a voiceless childhood.
xx
SuzA
If you know how to make such corrections, please let me know; I make ,mistakes sometimes and nonce they are posted and out there, there is no "taking them back".
Again, no disrespect or harm intended.
understanding all of those facts does not release all the shame, but I have found EMDR helpful for that. I go back again on Friday. I am not sure but I think it is co-dependent thinking that makes shame hard to release - although it is easy for me to recognize my grandfather as a perp, sometimes I do rationalize the bullying from my ex. I think it is difficult for me to see what I did as survival with my ex because I had the money all along so why didn't I leave sooner? I suppose for me a lot of that had to do with my own sense of commitment to marriage and that he escalated when I was pregnant and when I was nursing, so I felt more vulnerable. Another time he escalated was when I was successful at work, and since he was struggling, I suppose I felt the only way the marriage would 'survive' was for me to be what he wanted.
well again I think about all these things but releasing the shame is not about thinking, it's about feeling. and that is the hard stuff for me. thanks for your post, Refuse2quit.
I am a Domestic Abuse counselor (or was, until cutbacks took away the grant!!!); I have worked in this field for a total of 7 years and may I say - your husband was a text-book case of a DV abuser. Anytime a DV victim starts to break free a little or become stronger on their own, the abuser will knock them back down, sometimes physically, all the time emotionally. It threatens their power in the relationship and takes the spot light off of them. That is why pregnant women in relationships with a DV abuser get considerably more abuse (stats show this to be true - I just don't have my stats infront of me right now). It is one of the MOST dangerous times for a DV victim. Why?
Because pregnant women get so much attention usually; everyone is happy for her, they throw showers and such, she is having to see doctors more often, and the abuser cannot handle all the attention that is now being given to her. It builds her confidence up and this threatens the abuser - sort of a "hey, she may leave me if she gets too high and mighty" thinking.
I am so glad you got away. And a high number of people who have lived through childhood abuse choose abusers as their mates. I have in the past and so I keep my "radar" pretty highly tuned. But my current relationship is not perfect either; so few are. But my current partner would not stand in my way or try to stop me from doing anything I want so that is progress.
Peace to you today - power and strength for your journey!
Refuse2quit