Incest Survivors Support Group
Incest refers to any sexual activity between closely related persons that is illegal or socially taboo. Consensual adult incest is very rare. Incest between adults and prepubescent or adolescent children is a form of child sexual abuse that has been shown to be one of the most extreme forms of childhood trauma. If you or a loved one is a survivor of incest, join the group...
Hi all I am new to this. My best friend suggested I start journaling or begin recovery in a support group of some kind. I am uninsured so I cannot afford therapy which would likely be beneficial for me.
I was abused by my brother from age 4 or 5-12 years old. Over the years I have tolerated him out of fear since he has always been very extreme in his behaviors (anger and silent treatments are his specialty until he blows up). I don't even know why but every since I was a child i couldn't handle him being angry with me and catered to his controlling ways. Recently I have stopped and our relationship is in pieces..I cannot allow him to continue to have this hold over me but don't know how to sever it.
Fast forward to the most recent years we now live in the same state locally. My mother is in her 60's and is fighting a debilitating disease in which she requires 24/7 care. I am unable to provide that type of care and do whatever I can to help. She lives with him (he is married with 2 tweens). We have been at odds over my mother as he is disrespectful and rude and gives her complete anxiety about her condition.
Recently in a rage he went on FB and had the nerve to defame my reputation by claiming I do not help in her care (I do but I am unable to provide the care HE thinks is enough therefore he gets angry). That brought on such RAGE within me as he again puts himself on a pedastal as if he forgets what HE has done to me (and now continues his abuse in others ways). I haven't seen him in over a month and a half and I communicate through my sister in law. He is a controlling, immature, and narcisstic. Because of my mom I am unable to avoid him or anything relating to him which brings extreme anxiety and unhappiness. I don't know how to handle my feelings of anger and pain..and yes I have addressed my past to him and although he apologizes how he has continued to hurt me shows NO remorse only words to pacify his own conscience. I feel so alone. I don't want to tell my husband as he already has such disdain for him and his ways..Not sure where to go from here. I thank you all for allowing me to express myself. Praying for light for all of us going through this pain.
~Kay
I was abused by my brother from age 4 or 5-12 years old. Over the years I have tolerated him out of fear since he has always been very extreme in his behaviors (anger and silent treatments are his specialty until he blows up). I don't even know why but every since I was a child i couldn't handle him being angry with me and catered to his controlling ways. Recently I have stopped and our relationship is in pieces..I cannot allow him to continue to have this hold over me but don't know how to sever it.
Fast forward to the most recent years we now live in the same state locally. My mother is in her 60's and is fighting a debilitating disease in which she requires 24/7 care. I am unable to provide that type of care and do whatever I can to help. She lives with him (he is married with 2 tweens). We have been at odds over my mother as he is disrespectful and rude and gives her complete anxiety about her condition.
Recently in a rage he went on FB and had the nerve to defame my reputation by claiming I do not help in her care (I do but I am unable to provide the care HE thinks is enough therefore he gets angry). That brought on such RAGE within me as he again puts himself on a pedastal as if he forgets what HE has done to me (and now continues his abuse in others ways). I haven't seen him in over a month and a half and I communicate through my sister in law. He is a controlling, immature, and narcisstic. Because of my mom I am unable to avoid him or anything relating to him which brings extreme anxiety and unhappiness. I don't know how to handle my feelings of anger and pain..and yes I have addressed my past to him and although he apologizes how he has continued to hurt me shows NO remorse only words to pacify his own conscience. I feel so alone. I don't want to tell my husband as he already has such disdain for him and his ways..Not sure where to go from here. I thank you all for allowing me to express myself. Praying for light for all of us going through this pain.
~Kay
You brother is never going to change. He is an asshole and will always be. The only way to handle your feelings of anger and pain are to allow them to be. They are absolutely valid and any attempts to push them away or deny them will only increase the pain.
You say he is controlling, immature and narcissistic - OK, that's him. Now who are you? It sounds to me like you are no longer someone who he can control, that's really good.
There are some good websites about narcissists and how to deal with them (which seems to boil down to 'avoid').
I also think you should tell your husband so that you can freely talk about this at home. He already dislikes your brother (with good reason) so it is likely you'd get support from him.
Wishing you all the best
I would love the names of any helpful books or websites anyone feels might be useful.
George I'm so sorry. This is my fear that only in his death I will be free. I am able to forgive if he appeared to really realize the depth of his actions but I know he will never change like Breakingthrough stated. Thank you all again.
I think you should be so proud that you are taking the steps here at least to open up and let loose all the emotions and thoughts we as survivors often keep buried for personal reasons. They differ from one person to the other but still it runs deep.
If expressing the abuse outward is new than it takes little steps before you can find an answer to how you want to proceed with dealing with to open up to others.
Sadly narcissistic people will apologize as long as it benefits them and how they are thinking and feeling at that moment- Sincerity is not their strongest trait!
Now that he has moved past the physical abuse towards you he still continues with the mental- classic M.O.
Honor your thoughts and feelings- validate you and build the strenghth within to put him on mental ignore until you are ready to make decisions as to what you want to do.
I'm glad you have a good husband- he doesn't know about the abuse? I got a little lost on whether he knows? Sorry.
Be kind to yourself- I know the underlying control that my brother had on me when looking back horrific. I was hoping on those days he was nice to me that he would just like/love me . I wanted to be a good little sis- Just when I thought oh- he won't hurt me anymore- He would. Never an apology and it would be a hollow one anyway.
He resented me since I can remember- As I mentioned to you before- I just did that mental ignore- disconnect thing whenever faced with being around him.
You will get there- many here will be supportive and I'm so sorry you have to even journey through this- I'm sorry any of us has to. Peace to you.
Sorry this is so long....
Bu if you could email them all, saying why you cannot go around your brother, at least you'd be telling the truth.
It would be up to them to believe it or not.
Plus it might make the rest of them wary about taking their kids around someone who might abuse those kids.