I'm sorry you're having such a tough time of it, not only with what you've been through, but with not being able to believe. I posted something here some time back for the same reason. Your dad sounds like a nightmare, sorry, my dad was too.
I found it incredibly hard to believe my repressed memory of dad sexually abusing me. I'd think somehow my brain got his face mixed up with my grandfather's face. For me, it's because I love my dad and need to think he loved me in some way. The rape shatters all this, and I just haven't been able to get my head around it. Even though I acted out self destructively for a long time.
I found people on this site really helpful, and I hope you do too.
I'd say be gentle with yourself.

I believe you. It took me a LONG time to finally accept that my dad had sexually abused me, although I had suspected that someone had abused me my whole life, and even had memories of my dad being totally inappropriate before I realized that was abnormal.
As a kid you had to learn to deny what your senses told you was real, to try to protect yourself from the pain of your real life. You didn't even have a reference point to understand that it wasn't normal, and wasn't what other parents did to their kids! It is REALLY hard to try to believe yourself after a lifetime of protecting yourself by putting on your blinders and trying to ignore what was right in front of your face. :( Our little kid brains did the best they could at the time to protect us, but unfortunately those defense mechanisms (like denial, not trusting our feelings or instincts, and dissociating) often become hurtful or counterproductive to us in relationships and life when we become adults. It sounds like you have a supportive therapist. That has been important to me in working toward believing my own memories and instincts, and I hope it will help you too.

As for recognizing the behaviors of an abuser: My dad acted similarly. I also went through a long time where I did not remember the majority of my childhood, but more things are coming back to me since going to therapy. My dad also acted completely inappropriately to me, staring, touching me in ways that an outsider might view as harmless (like your butt smacking story) but that were completely unwanted and made me feel awful. He also paraded himself around half-nude, and I actually remember him asking me once if I was looking at his penis. He made disgusting comments about women and women's bodies, and told disgusting jokes around me. My grandfather (my mother's dad) did the same thing, so I'm sure my mother somehow thought this was normal.

I can also relate to having friends/family saying what a "great dad" my own inappropriate dickhead of a father was. But they don't know the truth of what happened to you. I have half-sisters who didn't grow up with me or my father, who really were jealous of me when they were growing up b/c I got to live with the "good dad" (in their eyes). They never knew just how awful the "good dad" was.
People are complex, and an abusive asshole can still bring himself to act nice or kind, especially when it is in his best interest. It doesn't mean he didn't abuse you. It also doesn't mean that he is somehow better or changed, although it would be nice if this were the case. Nice, but not necessarily realistic to believe.

Who more deserves to be believed, the inappropriate adults who take advantage of those who can't protect themselves, or the kids who bravely suffered in silence, with no one to support them or tell them that how they were treated was wrong, and it was not your fault.

Try hard to believe yourself. Who would want to make this crap up?! You are the only person who has any clue what your experience has been with your family. No one else can tell you what reality was for you if you don't let them.

I still get around my dad from time to time and he wants me to join in on some sick trash talk about biggoting some group or race, really hurtful shit. I jump his shit whenever this happens and won't put up with it. It's the reason I usually don't spend time around him. The old asshole was a monster and still is a monster, and I won't feed into his shit, nor should anyone. Sick jokes are sick jokes, made by sick people trying to "normalize" their behavior.

I went through the same thing with my father and his inappropriateness carried on to my friends. I had no idea at the time I was split off into more than 59 personalities in order to survive. (THEN - not now) I lived my life as a misunderstood "crazy' girl who was an artist, jock and gifted individual.

I only had a memory of my cousins rap* and all my rap*s after that in my life. But the one thing that bothered me most was the memories of the "dark man" the cult chanting and so on. I didn;t remember most of my childhood and with good reason.. it was a protective measure. Quite frankly, I wish I never had!
My point here is, I didn't remember my father's satanic ritual abuse in full until I was 23, nor did I know I was multiple with 59 personalities.(now healed on my own.) I had a therapist at the time that thought both, but let me discover them for myself. It's VITALLY important that you discover these things on your time.

Believe me! What your father did was so innappropriate and abuser behavior for sure! My friends all liked my father as well. . and everything Wheelwatcher and others have been saying my father did too, but I never remmembered until the cell of my mind opened up. I'm now 35.. and unveiling such things is a process. While true you don't want to remember what happened deep down inside... maybe you aren't ready to go there quite yet. Believe your gut instinct... do you feel like your skin could crawl?

I'm sad to hear that you've been subjected to such an asshole that should protect you from people like him. The important thing is to not beat yourself up discovering truth, but process things as they come and work with your counselor. Don't push yourself to remember more than you can handle or read into things. Trust you! It's easy not to believe yourself because you've been most likely told not to. While it's true acceptance is half of the battle, go easy on yourself. You are loved and supported here. Your pain is real and your memories are real! Process them slowly and carefully. They weren't created overnight and need time.
(((((safe hugs)))))
~K

Why would you be remembering this if it didn't happen?? something must have happened.That is just my opinion by your post.

thank you for all your post my main problem is if he did it then i will simply disown him, (cut all Ties), but if he didn't do it then i would like a relationship with him its the not knowing the is torture if i grow to believe that he didn't do it, and he stays apart of my life and i one day have children, only to find out from my kids that he abused them i would be forced to simply kill him (an option i have considered) , but if he didn't do it then i we could be happy. my old therapist is attempting to find me someone who can help me discover the truth because she is not trained to do so.

The other thing is that i find it simply inconceivable that a father would do that to a son, for all the bad things of done (the list is long if there is a hell my seat is booked). i have never thought of sexual assaulting anyone and i simply cant fathom the idea of taking something as beautiful as sex and distorting it with violence.

Anyway its starting to become and oppression, a constant nagging, biting at my ears the voice says "what if he did it"
and what will you do if he did.....

I empathise with you, with the 'did he or didn't he?'. That's what I've lived with ever since I got an image of my dad raping me when I was little. At the time, I was in a freaked out state in psych hospital, with all sorts of images and memories coming up.
I really feel for you, it' s a hell of a not knowing to live with. Especially because your dad is still alive. I didn't get my 'image' till after my dad died.
I hope you find good help with a therapist, and here. Because it's my own dad, I found it incredibly difficult to take my image as memory. I could forgive him for everything else, but rape? that blows my whole relationship with him RIGHT out of the water.
(((((hug))))))