Incest Survivors Support Group
Incest refers to any sexual activity between closely related persons that is illegal or socially taboo. Consensual adult incest is very rare. Incest between adults and prepubescent or adolescent children is a form of child sexual abuse that has been shown to be one of the most extreme forms of childhood trauma. If you or a loved one is a survivor of incest, join the group...
I realised that Im pulled to abusive people. Like my brain is making me want to be around them. It's like my brain likes me getting abused and it wants me to keep getting hurt. I can't escape the abuse!!!! I'm losing it!!! ahh!! I'm going to lose it. * facepalm facepalm facepalm* Why does this keep happening?!? Why am I doing this to myself?!?! Why! Why why why..... This is ridiculous..... This is terrible! I keep setting myself up to get hurt and I can't take this and I'm getting so so so sick of the pain! All of it! I'm sick of it and I'm just going to keep getting hurt over and over again and theirs no escape...... I am so sick... So sick. Dammit!!!.... This is all my fault. Everything.... Grrr.
We are attracted to what is comfortable, to what we know. Those who are different make us scared and uncomfortable. This is a symptom of being abused. You are not sick, you are experiencing a very normal symptom.
Keep writing here, keep a journal, find a good therapist if you don't already have one and be kind to yourself.
Your upbringing has led you to expect certain things in life - like being hurt and abused, and so unconsciously you seek it out. We all do the same. it is normal.
In my youth I dumped kind and considerate boyfriends because I just couldn't handle someone being concerned about me - actually I still can't, but I'm getting better.
You are aware of what's happening and you don't like it, which already puts you way ahead of many in the game (myself included at your age). You can untrain yourself and relearn what the world can give you. It's not easy and it takes time, but it can be done.
Remember - it is not your fault.