You are not alone. I don't get aroused thinking about my abuse, but it does affect what I need to get aroused. My new therapist seems to think she can help me there. I hope so. I've hated that my whole life.

I don't think you're fucked up, I think you're an abuse survivor. The self loathing is not warranted. I've had some pretty grotesque thoughts and images in my time, it's part of it.

You're not alone. Your body has learned a response you don't like. Unfortunately it's not uncommon.

You're not filth. You're a survivor.

Sometimes when i have sex....I feel like a child having sex and my fantasies are well "weird" won't go into gory details....
Yes i have gotten aroused thinking about the abuse.

But.I had a huge break through 3 years ago that changed that a lot....I hope that happens for you.
It was the most unexpected thing and the biggest turn around in whatever recovery i have....

Its was not thought of, unexpected and just like a blessing from.....Well i'm not religious but if i was i would say grace, the avobe....

So it does change.

I didn't realize this at first...then it occurred to me, during my recent round of recovered sexual abuse memories, that almost all of them caused me to be turned on...I was mostly too busy screaming in emotional agony to notice at first, but it's so.

You and I are not to blame, we're not dirty, they should have kept their damn hands off us.

(((HUGS)))

I don't deal with this myself. I'm sorry that it is such a frustration for you. I imagine it brings out a variety of emotions.

Hang in there... we are all in this "healing thing" together.

Ragan
http://raganjane.wordpress.com/

I haven't had sex in a very long time and I really don't want to have it ever again-BUT I do remember that when I was having sex, I could only truly enjoy it if the other person was doing something that was physically painful to me-or calling me names, or hurting me in some way. It is sick, I know and it is totally because I have no idea what the difference is between pleasure and pain. They are all tangled up and connected in my messed up mind. The whole idea of "making love" is so bizarre to me. I only know "fucking" and it has nothing to do with love. In fact, if I love someone, the last thing I want to do is have sex with them.

We were raised to be sexually aware at a very young age, and the way we were treated is our idea of sex. Just like it's our idea of ourselves. Sometimes I get bad ideas, not the actual memory but a fantasy, but most of the time I focus on something in my head or even in real life, like a flower or something, you can overcome it by choosing what you will focus on

I throught I was CRAZY. Thanks for letting me know I am not the only one who feels like this. Could this be cause we were so young when these things happen. How can we STOP

No not at all and if u ever read up on this type of situation you will fin that it is your body not your mind reacting. Your body has senses that you can not control.
I get aroused by the thought of being attacked by a stranger and felt awful for a long time and then was told that to was part of the after effects of abuse.
So no your not alone and you are a survivor.
Hugs!