Huh? Trust? What's that?

donnawanda,

I'm so tempted to say, "I know exactly what you mean." But, the truth is I only have a sense of what I think you mean.

My sense from your words is that trust is such a foreign experience it's hard to recognize or even know what it is.

I hear you.

xx
SuzA

After what happened to me a few years back, Ill say this: Trust, the false sense that I'll never be betrayed. Do I still trust....Yes. Will that trust be breached/betrayed....Probably. So why trust....Now I know how to work through those hurts and carry on. I spent a few decades never trusting and in doing so, in a way, held myself back from being true to my own heart. Life is filled with good and bad, that's a given. yet it's always our choice how we handle and deal with those...

Well, I should give a more serious answer. Trust is very hard for me, and the reason is that I don't trust myself. I don't understand who or what I am so I never know what reaction I may elicit from others. I never know whether my perceptions are accurate so I never know whether or not to protect myself from people. On a deep level, I don't know whether the evil ascribed to me in childhood is real, so I don't know if I am fundamentally good or bad.

I think if I was convinced that I was a worthy and lovable human being, and a goodhearted human being, I would stop being afraid of people. I would stop worrying about being hurt or rejected because I would be convinced of my own worth regardless of other people's opinions. I would trust my perceptions and be able to stand up for myself if necessary without being afraid I'm a mean bitch. I would be able to express my love and affection without fearing that I am violating others' boundaries or being fake.

I believe I am on the road to self-knowledge and self-trust and feel good about the idea that the ability to trust depends on me, not on the actions of others.

Going beyond the personal, I don't see any rational reason to trust authority or human activity in general.

In one of my first sessions with my therapist she mentioned to me that I had a problem with trust. I was surprised because I had never thought about it, When I started to think I realised I had no knowledge or experience of what trust is. I didn't even know what trust was.

10 years down the line I am beginning to see the only trust that matters is trust in myself. Trust in myself to know what I want from life (even if I can't identify it), trust in myself to make the right decisions or to deal with the consequences when I don't.

Because of the betrayal I have experienced I don't think I will ever be able to completely trust another person - although I have learned to trust most people with some things. People need to earn my trust, and I don't trust people with more than I can deal with if I've got it wrong. I think this is fine.

This is my experience, but it doesn't answer the question of 'what is trust'. My quick answer would be 'knowing the outcome will be OK' or even 'the right one', but I too will reflect.

What is Trust .... Like you breakingtheshell Im not sure if I can answer the question of what trust is .... is it reliance on another person or entity - (from Wikipedia)?

I learned to trust that my mother would be home most days when I got in from school.

I realise now that as a child I learned to trust/expect that my father would either not be at home much or take us out very often. From the time I was 12 he would be drunk nearly every day (that lasted until I was well past 40) and my mother would always cover up for him. When he was home he was present but unavailable.

I learned to trust that my older sister would bully me.

I guess that as a child I learned to trust all the wrong things.

I learned to trust/expect that after drinking my first husband could be physically violent. And sometimes he didnt have to drink to be violent dont worry I got away from him by the age of 22.

I learned that most men only wanted sex and some would rape.

I dont trust that my older children will ever get in touch with me again.

I dont trust that I will be any more well than I am now.

No wonder I find (good) trust so hard.

I suppose its all open to interpretation. ..... Daisymay

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WalkinBuffaloMan,

When your trust is betrayed how do YOU go about working through those hurts and carry on?

I agree that when we don't trust we do hold ourselves back from being true to our own heart.

xx
SuzA

donnawanda,

Your "serious" answer brought tears to my eyes. It reminded me of that time when I didn't trust myself either because I didn't know who or what I was. I wasn't even aware enough to question whether or not my perceptions were accurate--I just thought the whole world was dangerous.

And because it was so dangerous I built an inner tower with one slit of a window and no doors. I could not venture out but would stand there daily with one eye to that "window" to watch; I had to make sure no one got in.

The tears were also tears of joy. When I read what you wrote about how you would be if you were convinced that you were a worthy and lovable human being I wanted to jump for joy.

You are already all those things else you could not have said them. They are just waiting in the wings until you get it through your head, into your heart and know in your gut that you are already a worthy and lovable human being.

I, too, believe you are on the road to self-knowledge and self-trust and agree that the ability to trust is in your hands.

And if words could put to rest your doubt about the evil ascribed to you in childhood you would know immediately you are fundamentally good...period. Do not breathe life into the fears of others.

xx
SuzA

Breaking,

Like you, I never thought about trust either. I had no experience of it or even knew what it was. Seems strange now. But looking back I can see that almost all the people in my family were lost souls blind to the way back home.

They blindly filled their lives with the words and works of "authority" figures, physical gratification--at the expense of others, and trappings of a saintly life.

I was never taught to be true to myself. Now, I understand why; they could not teach me what they did not know themselves.

Instead, they taught me fear, sadness, depression, self-blame and confusion. Yet, in a convoluted way I am deeply grateful to them. Because of them, I had to find my way back home; I had to find myself. And all along the way I learned to trust myself.

As for others, I agree with you, that trust is earned.

I'd add to your quick answer about trust by saying, "Knowing the outcome will be OK," (no matter what that outcome is--this is self-trust talking).

xx
SuzA

Daisymay,

Seems a bit contrary to me that my gut would back off when I read Wikipedia's definition of trust as "reliance on another person or entity."

My gut reaction was to say, "I rely on myself." But, if I truly believed that I'd be alone in the world. I believe that trust in another or others is necessary for a full and satisfying life.

So my belief and gut seemed to be at odds with each other. I think the bottom line for me is that I will trust until the person shows me otherwise (gut). And, no matter what happens, I will always trust myself (belief).

You make an interesting statement about "trust" being open to interpretation--is it? I wonder.

xx
SuzA

I'm probably no different than most, these betrayals hit me hard. This last one sent me into a 2 plus deep dark depression and I lost a lot. I eventually faced what happened, dealt with first those layers of anger and then the pain underneath that anger. Many good, on the floor, unable to move cries, finally cleansed the soul. The hardest thing to work through was the anger I held with myself, for letting that happen, not seeing it coming. This forced my to look at the reality of the situation, the truth, it became one of my most valuable lessons. It's like those lessons when we are young. I was told, don't touch that burner on the stove I didn't walk away "lesson learned", no. I had to "feel" the pain of that lesson to truly understand. Thus feeling and understanding that, I never repeated it. This betrayal and others taught me I can't control people/circumstances and even though those betrayals were personal, they were more caused by those people, who have yet to learn how to deal with their own issues in a proper manner with the reasons being endless. Those could be emotional, or greed or wanting the control and power to name a few. So i had to make a choice, do I lock myself away so I never get hurt again, no, do I hold back when I share with others, no, that's just not me.Yes I'm a little guarded now, but it's more of a knowing that these betrayals could quite possibly happen again. So if they do, I just have to simply flush that pain out and those tears work well for that...

Blaine,

Thank you for your, usual, honest and clear reply. I know those "...on the floor, unable to move cries," too; and they open up spaces in me that I never knew existed.

Expressing the anger also helps me get to the hurt beneath it. And that hurt seems to be mostly about me being unlovable--else why would they use me in such a way? Took a long time for me to sort that one out.

You say, "/You/ had to 'feel' the pain of that lesson to truly understand." I hear you and believe that's what makes this healing crossing so hard. I had to feel my feelings, let myself be vulnerable, and drop my self-judgments. I had to learn new ways to be.

As usual, Blaine, meaninful response. Thank you.

xx
SuzA

Trust is one of those words in the English language with few letters and many meanings. It seems simple enough at first, but then it gets complicated quickly after that.

Many equate it with Faith...usually with Blind Faith, one of the pillars of modern life. The government won't scam us, the clerics are honest people, we can believe the politicians when they make promises. See how quickly it gets complicated?

To the predators and human leeches, trust is the all-important first step in spinning a web to ensnare us. To overly dependent people, trust is what they seek in relationships...they have to have complete trust in their partners or they don't feel secure. Maybe what they're looking for is a parent not a lover.

For me it's something that develops with time in a friendship or a relationship when I see that the other person consistently shows me that they are not trying to manipulate me, that they aren't sneering at me behind my back.

Beware of people who make too many promises, use words of love too often, and seem just a bit too good to be true. Real people have warts and rough spots, trust in signs like that...signs that they are not hiding who they are.

great topic and replies ... what does trust mean to me....

trust means for me that my heart and mind are one, and what I feel is true in my body is also true in my environment.

trust of self is fundamental - if I don't feel and know the same truth in my inner and outer experiences, then there is no way to trust a beloved other.

When I feel the integrity of self-trust, then I can open my heart and mind to relying on another. If the other is worthy, and I discover this with time, then I can share my most vulnerable self and be safe with this person. I think it is very important to remember Richie's advice because my ex was very good at encouraging me to believe in him but he turned out to be unsafe ... once the vows were exchanged. So, sure we can fool ourselves.

But Suz I agree that the deepest fulfillment in this life is available when we are able to trust another in an intimate relationship and not experience betrayal of that trust. So, my faith is in the opportunity to love and be loved in an atmosphere of truth.

This blog entry does some fun things with the Latin root for faith:
http://wordempire.blogspot.com/2008/12/fides-trust-faith.html

I love words and how they are connected to each other. Faith, trust, truth, these words are heavy and mean one thing to us in our heads and yet in our hearts or in our guts we don't understand them because our bodies were betrayed by those we should have been able to trust. Of course we all know that a major coping mechanism is denial. This is why I say trust does not happen until we have integrity of the mind and the body in truth. If we are in denial, then we cannot trust ourselves and we have no integrity (meaning wholeness).

http://integritatem.com/?page_id=10

see this entry above on the etymology of integrity, which I wanted to include because I think today people add on layers of meaning to words that are inconsistent with the oldest meanings. To me, integrity is about wholeness. I took for granted in my early 20s that integrity just meant being honest and acting consistent with values expressed, but a really good therapist I saw when I was 26 and 27 helped me understand integrity as telling ourselves the truth no matter what and living that truth. I don't think trust is possible without feeling whole in ourselves and feeling connected to our own inner truth enough to share that truth with others.

... hope this made sense and is useful.

Someone said I have the same definition of "trust" that the Pentagon computer/IT people do...
...A trusted machine is a machine that can hurt you-no firewalls or filtrations.
Well..."trusted" people are people who can hurt me. There's lowered barriers. Their opinion matters to me. What they say can easily harm me.
...The sad thing is? I expect them to hurt me. I would not involve myself with people if I didn't go a particularly painful version of nutty without them. Being with humans hurts less than being alone.
So I feel a lot of despair when I think about the inevitable way things go.