I am really sorry for all of the pain you have been through. I have been stuck in a deep depression as well. Are you going to counseling? I hope you won't give up on yourself. You are a survivor.

Why bother? Because this will pass. You've been here before and come through, and you will again. But right now you are in the middle of it and so you can't see through the darkness.

It's OK to feel depressed, it feels like complete and utter shit, but if that's how you feel, that's how you feel.

Hang in there, one day, one minute at a time. Do whatever you need to get through it. Watch movies, listen to music, write. Curl up and cry if you want.

Thinking of you Ioum.

I have been there too,loum.Waking up and finding I had to go through another day of same pain, and there was no reason why it would change.I felt there was no hope,just same repetition, especially when I used to find myself without any money.I found that financial aspect brought me to instant depression and weighed greatly on my mood.

But , looking back, I now realise I would always forget that" shit" is impermanent, and even in my darest hour, somehow something manifested which changed the situation.
I also find prayers from oneself and others bring that extra woomf to the engine to get backon track.
i am sending you loads.

Add my prayers and positive energy with that, loum - many of us have walked through those dark times of despair and there seems to be no end to them - while you are in the midst of the despair. But there are things you can do to distract yourself until your chemistry or mentality re-balances - find something that makes you happy and FORCE yourself into perhaps - I love to garden, even if it in pots at the present time - when I am down, I start repotting things and working my "garden" - and no I don't fee like doing it, but I force myself to and I start noticing a change comes over me that is undeniable- hope. Again, bear with it as you are looking at a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Suicide is the LAST decision you will ever make - the world is FULL of options, even if you don't see them right now - look around - bide your time and peace will come.
You are in my thoughts and prayers
Refuse2quit

Thank you all very much. As you know, depression brings negativity. I live in a mobile home. I own it but I have to pay a fee for the land it's on, $631/month. Because I can't pay it right now, I'm going to be evicted. If they could wait till the end of September I would be able to be caught up. /

loum, I am so sorry for what you are going through. I echo all that has been said before, and I know that whether the eviction happens or not you will get through this.

the problem solver in me can't resist trying to work on the eviction issue. why can't the property owner wait til end of September? because you are disabled, isn't there an organization that can help you stay in your home? I think you are probably feeling depressed because you are overwhelmed with solving the problem, and so it feels easier to check out and not solve it. We love you and love reading your peaceful and kind advice, so please don't give up on yourself.

I'm a lawyer in my day job so I can't help but feel there is a solution for you. Eviction would be cruel. Since you live in a big city, there should be a decent legal aid or legal services organization you can call today. Landlord/tenant issues are commonly handled by legal services. I hope you can get some help today! I will send you some good energy and look forward to reading an update from you about the solution you are going to find. :-)

your loyal Dragonfly

Thank you all. I am feeling a little better this morning. The suicidal part is no longer in charge and the logical part is. I have a solution for the lot fee. If every thing works, I will start having a decent income at the end of August and be able to catch up.

I know some people don't like talk about DID, but for me it is a result of the abuse and affects how I react to triggers.

For me the DID makes healing much heal. Because I have to help each part separately before I can heal as a whole person.

loum50,

I'm happy to hear that today is a brighter day.

And the long-range planner in me (I tip my hat to Dragonfly--the problem solver) :-) would like to offer the suggestion that you come up with a backup plan.

xx
SuzA

As Dragonfly points out, it is important for you to know about your rights and make social services aware of your problem so that a solution can be negociated .

My husband is disabled too.As such, it would be legally impossible to evict him without all kind of legal procedures.

For us sufferers of DID, we are more vulnerable and it is very reassuring to have legal and social services on whom to rely.
We need to feel protected.We deserve it.

My weak point is always wait for the last minute instead of preentering the problem and explaining the situation.I am learning to write letters, ohone and make people aware that I am experiencing difficulties which will be resolved shortly and that i need a delay in payment;I found people appreciate to be warned and usually agree on it.

Wow - everyone here just keeps blowing my hair back with all the great support and advice.
Loum- I am not sure of your age, and do not mean to imply you are a Senior Citizen. BUT if you are, in many areas it is hard, if not illegal, to evict a disabled person and even harder to evict a Senior with Disabilities - Am so glad your "logical" part is in control and taking care of business. I too have gained so much from reading your posts and hope that today brings some blessed relief and less stress. Financial trouble is so depressing, but again, temporary in the long run. Do your best to stay positive and take care of all of you!!!
Refuse2quit

You're not "wallowing" in depression THAT is depression exactly what you describe...

You like me are suffering from deep depression..
Lets try to stay put in there...you are not alone...Its very tough.I hear you..and trying all the time gets tiring its like swimming against a very strong current..

cyber-hugs

Dragon fly brought up a great point there has to be an organization that helps you or even Social Workers can tell you of some too.

I understand what you're going through, since we lost our farm in October. The depression can be devastating and like many said it will pass and I did for me. I'm glad your feeling a little better! If this helps. when looking for help from organizations, I found that by doing a volunteer search of your area, usually brings up a list of all the organizations. Most, if not all require volunteers and I found with "backwards" method, I came across organization that I didn't even know existed and probably wouldn't have found. Like I always say, the suns always shines, just on the wrong side of the clouds some days. You'll be in our thoughts and prayers, Blaine

I felt this way to when I was about to shut down all contact with my family. I felt it would be better to just give up on my life and die.

I want to thank everyone for their support. The logical part of me is back in control. Yes I am disabled and 63 years old and I do know how hard it would be for them to evict me. It's just that terrified part of me was triggered and the suicidal, self injuring part took over to protect the terrified child from the feelings. That's why in internal family systems therapy that protecting part is called a firefighter. It will rush in to protect another part from overwhelming feelings, not thinking of the consequences just trying to stop the emotional pain.