Incest Survivors Support Group
Incest refers to any sexual activity between closely related persons that is illegal or socially taboo. Consensual adult incest is very rare. Incest between adults and prepubescent or adolescent children is a form of child sexual abuse that has been shown to be one of the most extreme forms of childhood trauma. If you or a loved one is a survivor of incest, join the group...
This is a new year. And this year I have decided I will take more risks where sharing some of my thoughts on healing are concerned.
I often find myself reluctant to say all I believe about healing for fear a survivor will take offense or find my words and ideas too Pollyannaish. But, I do believe and know we can heal to unimaginable depths.
I believe in the power of our thoughts and beliefs and in the strength of the human spirit to overcome seemingly insurmountable obstacles.
I also know the path through healing, for me, has been long and hard with many set-backs and pain so I don't want to sound as if it's only a matter of making a decision to heal that will heal you. Yes, of course, making the decision to heal is critical, but more will be asked of you on this journey...much more.
That being said, I now risk your understanding what I am about to share and perhaps find hope in it.
It's taken me a long time to stay unruffled when I hear the words, "victim story". I'd get upset because it felt as if my actual experiences of incest, sexual abuse and rape were being diminished by simply calling it a story. Saying I had a victim story does not acknowledge the full impact it had on my life. Still, ultimately, all of life boils down to stories. Stories we tell ourselves and stories others tell us.
My feathers would also get ruffled when it felt as if I were being blamed in some way for even being a victim.
It took me a long time to be able to hear those words--Victim Story-- without getting rankled because back then, I could not separate the sexual abuse experiences from the deeper self of me.
There was no separation between the abuse and how I thought of and believed myself to be. I thought I was born flawed and that I could not be fixed. I believed myself to be damaged goods, less-than, unworthy and worse.
In a similar way, hearing of a "victim mind-set" would set my teeth on edge. A victim mind-set is any thought, behavior or idea that lets another person determine my value, makes me less-than, puts me down, or hurts me in any way either physically, mentally, emotionally, or spiritually.
With much healing, I now know that I am not the abuse. It was something done to me, but it is not who I am. Did it impact me? Wound me? Absolutely. But, it is NOT the essence of who I am.
With that psychological/emotional distance in place, I can now see that when I step into a victim mind-set and act out my victim story I can also choose to step out of this story with its false beliefs, on-going pain and endless putdowns by learning new ways to be.
Of course, this is easier said than done, but the alternative is less than inviting--lifelong victimhood. I choose instead to take safe risks in order to learn new behaviors, replace dysfunctional thinking, and reinvent myself.
I will continue to heal and to grow my awareness so that I do not inadvertently become the main character in my story again only to be victimized over and over again, thus cheating myself of a full and joyful life.
I refuse to BE my victim story. Instead, I will work to create a new story for myself--for we all have stories--but this time, I am the one creating the story.
What story will you embody?
I often find myself reluctant to say all I believe about healing for fear a survivor will take offense or find my words and ideas too Pollyannaish. But, I do believe and know we can heal to unimaginable depths.
I believe in the power of our thoughts and beliefs and in the strength of the human spirit to overcome seemingly insurmountable obstacles.
I also know the path through healing, for me, has been long and hard with many set-backs and pain so I don't want to sound as if it's only a matter of making a decision to heal that will heal you. Yes, of course, making the decision to heal is critical, but more will be asked of you on this journey...much more.
That being said, I now risk your understanding what I am about to share and perhaps find hope in it.
It's taken me a long time to stay unruffled when I hear the words, "victim story". I'd get upset because it felt as if my actual experiences of incest, sexual abuse and rape were being diminished by simply calling it a story. Saying I had a victim story does not acknowledge the full impact it had on my life. Still, ultimately, all of life boils down to stories. Stories we tell ourselves and stories others tell us.
My feathers would also get ruffled when it felt as if I were being blamed in some way for even being a victim.
It took me a long time to be able to hear those words--Victim Story-- without getting rankled because back then, I could not separate the sexual abuse experiences from the deeper self of me.
There was no separation between the abuse and how I thought of and believed myself to be. I thought I was born flawed and that I could not be fixed. I believed myself to be damaged goods, less-than, unworthy and worse.
In a similar way, hearing of a "victim mind-set" would set my teeth on edge. A victim mind-set is any thought, behavior or idea that lets another person determine my value, makes me less-than, puts me down, or hurts me in any way either physically, mentally, emotionally, or spiritually.
With much healing, I now know that I am not the abuse. It was something done to me, but it is not who I am. Did it impact me? Wound me? Absolutely. But, it is NOT the essence of who I am.
With that psychological/emotional distance in place, I can now see that when I step into a victim mind-set and act out my victim story I can also choose to step out of this story with its false beliefs, on-going pain and endless putdowns by learning new ways to be.
Of course, this is easier said than done, but the alternative is less than inviting--lifelong victimhood. I choose instead to take safe risks in order to learn new behaviors, replace dysfunctional thinking, and reinvent myself.
I will continue to heal and to grow my awareness so that I do not inadvertently become the main character in my story again only to be victimized over and over again, thus cheating myself of a full and joyful life.
I refuse to BE my victim story. Instead, I will work to create a new story for myself--for we all have stories--but this time, I am the one creating the story.
What story will you embody?
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I feel so dirty and used I was drunk and passed out at a party when I came around some guy was on top of me rapeing me he covered my mouth and told me to shut up afterwards he got up and got dressed and said I better not tell anyone I found my friend and reported that I had been raped after having medical checks and them getting DNA I've taken the morning after pill IAM just so depressed and...
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Upon his departure, he remarked, "I am in many people’s pockets; no one will believe you." Have you ever grappled with the silence that follows sexual assault, where the perceived impossibility of being believed necessitates self-censorship?
The focus should be not on rape victims, but on RAPISTS. They're the problem and if we want to stop the epidemic of rape and child abuse in modern life, we need to zero in on rapists and child abusers. They need labels and separation from society, not their victims.
So the focus now is on rape culture...uprooting it, exposing rapists to public scrutiny, and so on. I think the same goes for child abusers of every kind. Drag them out in the open and make examples of them. I'm not talking about counseling. They need to be stopped, not allowed to go on with their lives.
Sure we have problems because of what was done to us. But we don't need labels, we need justice to be done for us. We're having trouble going on with our lives while the people who gave us all this grief are doing just fine. That's just wrong.
It's the culture that needs fixing. It's unspoken, but the culture where I live says a man's wife and children belong to him, like livestock. Culture like that should be outlawed and eradicated.
You got the heart of the message and that brings me joy.
I want to say again that the healing process is NOT easy. Just know that unless we can see a light at the end of the tunnel we will be stuck in false beliefs or wanting revenge or endless cycles of being victimized.
I say keep the focus on your healing--whatever that looks like.
xx
SuzA
It's important to focus on both the victim and the predator, IMO.
Victims need to heal. Predators need...? I don't know what they need; I have not spent my life studying them, but I have spent years working on my healing and gathering information that I hope will help survivors heal.
You say, "...we don't need labels, we need justice to be done for us." I say, justice would be nice but healing is better because seeing my predators in jail or even killed is not going to teach me the life skills I was never taught.
It will not miraculously change the dysfunctional behaviors and false beliefs I was taught. And it is unlikely to help me learn to love myself.
Maybe there is someone out there--maybe you--whose mission it is to change the culture we live in. My mission is to help survivors heal. And, from my own experience, the best way I know to do that is to focus on them--not the predator or the culture.
My post was not about labeling, but about mindsets. Victim or otherwise. I know there are "stuck mindsets" and "growing mindsets" I simply ask survivors to be aware of their behaviors/emotions and ask themselves which mindset those behaviors/emotions came from.... What are they telling themselves and acting on.
Thank you for your perspective for you have allowed me to address it.
I want to close by saying that healing takes time and commitment. And while having a healing mindset will help you through the process it does not change the need to do the hard work. But to all who can hear, we can heal.
xx
SuzA
So now my goal is to reunite with my inner victim - to embrace the victimized child that I was instead of pushing it away and denying that it is any part of me. This denial is unconscious and manifests in my dreams as discovering I have a parallel house to the house I'm living in. My efforts in therapy are aimed at reuniting myself and tolerating the idea of being a victim. I feel that until I own it I can't get past it.
This isn't meant in any way to challenge what you've written, it's just a different perspective. And I think I'm not alone in this - I'm not the only one who has so firmly rejected the identification of as victim that it's kept me from healing.
I think Richie's point about perpetrators is really about putting the sense of shame and pathology back where it belongs - on the abusers. Because they go on seemingly untouched by what they've done, it's as if we carry all the toxicity of their actions. Putting the emphasis on them and their crime is another way of refusing victim status - it's saying there's nothing wrong with me and I'm not carrying all this hideous crap that belongs to YOU, abusers!
I think part of what makes talking about healing so difficult is that there are so many variables--we are all different, different experiences, different genes, different beliefs, at different places in our healing--and so on.
My experience of healing was two steps forward and one step back; it was a moving forward, processing whatever came up for me, falling back into old patterns, moving forward, processing, falling back into old patterns, etc.
But, whatever your movement looks like, donnawanda, I believe it's critically important that we get in touch with our child victim. For me, that was the most powerful experience and the single most important step that planted my feet on the road to healing.
I had to be willing to embrace and accept that innocent child within--the child I had ignored for 40 years because, subconsciously, I thought she was the one who was to blame for all the sexual abuse. This was not me refusing to be a victim, but me existing in denial.
So, yes where you are now, reuniting with your inner child victim is, IMO, a most important and powerful place to be.
And though I can't say for sure, given all the variables mentioned above, I believe strongly that until survivors embrace their inner child victim, deep healing MAY elude them. Again, I want to be clear that I cannot speak for all survivors.
I don't know why but it seems to be a human propensity to have to lay blame someplace and if we have no memories of abuse then we bring it home to ourselves believing we are "...intrinsically messed up and BAD."
I did that, too. And, you're right that IS a victim mindset to believe we are less-than. Go to the nearest playground and watch the children at play; think anyone of them is BAD? I doubt it.
If Richie's point is indeed about putting the sense of shame and pathology back where it belongs I agree. "Putting the emphasis on them and their crime is another way of refusing victim status."
And while that, too, may be true if the focus is taken off a survivor's healing then I say let it go. Deep healing makes clear who all that "hideous crap" belongs to.
I was glad to read that you are aware that your rejection of being a victim has kept you from healing. Every survivor was a victim at one time. But, as you said, "...until /you own/ it /you/ can't get past it."
So, when you find that little child victim within embrace her with full knowledge that she was innocent...no matter what it may have looked like to your adult self.
Finally, dear one, please do challenge anything I write for I value all perspectives; they give me a chance to evaluate my own and learn new ones.
xx
SuzA
People who sexually abuse children know that what they're doing is a crime. They go to great lengths to indoctrinate their victims and protect themselves. My sister told everyone that I was psychotic and no one should believe anything I say.
If you want to keep this in the context of healing, fine. To me part of healing is to break free of the indoctrination, the way we were trained to keep secrets, protect the family, not disturb people with our troubles.
So when I hear words like forgiveness, not blaming, focusing just on ourselves and our healing, it sets off alarm bells for me. Aren't we still trapped in the kind of thinking that we were trained in? Aren't we continuing to be victimized?
So let's say we all get counseling and try to heal. Well, who pays for it?...us??!!! That's just so wrong. The people who did this to us are responsible, they should pay for counseling for us and more. If you injure someone in a car wreck, you're responsible for their medical bills. Why doesn't the same principle apply here?
I"m just trying to point out the irrationality of the way society deals with crimes like rape and child abuse. To put it bluntly...you steal someone's cash...you likely do jail time. But if you steal a child's ability to cope with life, give them a lifetime of pain and unhappiness...you get "family counseling".
It troubles me that we're thinking of all this in individual terms. We lick our wounds and try to heal. But this is a societal issue that's bigger than us...and it's growing. Maybe we should give serious thought to the idea that we should raise hell about what happens to children instead of just thinking of ourselves. Drag all this stuff out of the shadows and BLAME somebody.
It's just a thought...something to think about. I'm concerned we're being too passive when we creep away and we don't make waves. I'm including myself in this, I never told anyone about the "family secrets". Maybe I was wrong in doing that, maybe sticking up for myself would have done more to heal me than trying to work through it all on my own.
And please think about what you're saying when you characterize going after the people who gave us all this grief as "revenge". Making criminals pay for what they did and make restitution is not revenge...it's justice. Justice and revenge are not synonyms.
It becomes clear and vivid when we think about crimes of property or violence among strangers. Imagine being brutalized by a random stranger and then quietly working at healing from it for the rest of your life without making an effort to bring the criminal to account. Or living side by side with a thief who left you destitute, and quietly trying to heal from that and restore your finances while the thief lives high on the hog, and nobody challenges him or her.
The situation with incest is infinitely complicated by the fact that it was our own family members who did this to us, and we loved them or were enthralled by them, and neither we nor the people around us really feel comfortable confronting this hideous crime. The situation with sex crimes in general is complicated by questions of patriarchy, power and shame.
I aspire to make some noise about this but I can't do it now. I am not strong and stable enough. And I am still afraid of my own family members. But I like what you say very much. I hope and believe you and I and all the rest of us will make more and more noise about this going forward.
Many of us can't do much depending on our circumstances. And I've said before that we're not required to be heroes. As for me, I tried volunteer work but couldn't handle the flashbacks. But if someone organized a protest where I live I'd be right in the front lines. If I could go on a talk show or publish a book that would be meaningful, I'd do that too. Realistically, what I can do now (even though I'm below the poverty level) is give a dollar or two to organizations that have power to change laws and rescue victims. It's something.
Imagine if we started a powerful campaign of direct focus to come down hard on the offenders AND their sidekicks... and then think about how fast society would change its attitude, and how much healing we can experience from finally getting our just validation and respect. We may have different paths to healing, but I can't think of anyone who wouldn't derive tremendous benefit from that.
I certainly agree that victim-blaming must be addressed and society must change it's attitude. No disagreement there.
The irony is, that it seems that the survivors who are going to change it are those who have focused on their own healing.
donnawanda you say, you "...aspire to make some noise about this but /you/ can't do it now" because you're, "...not strong and stable enough."
whistleblower, I'd like to think that "...finally getting our just validation and respect" would lead to much healing except I'm not sure that it does. Healing does not come from other people but from the work we do on ourselves...with the help of qualified others.
My messages on this board have always been about our need and ability to heal ourselves. IMO, to focus outside of ourselves before we are ready to has the potential to sidetrack what really needs to happen--the hard work of healing.
And for those who feel the drive and are able-- emotionally, psychologically and physically-- to address the attitudes of society regarding sexual abuse I am behind you. Why would I not be?
Perhaps there is some gray area that we're not exploring; that area being how can we heal ourselves and in some way address social issues as well.
Any ideas?
xx
SuzA
I would worry about replicating feelings of powerless in the course of trying to take action. At this stage I can't even get my dishes done every day of the week and feel very powerless in relation to the material world. But it's always in the back of my mind. Personally, I would shy away from political action because of my intense rage and distrust towards authority (though I would be glad to hop on someone else's bandwagon). But I am interested in consciousness raising by simply speaking the truth - I don't know yet in what forum or context.
One thought I'd like to add is this...WE ARE NOT ALONE!
There is a rising tide that I hope will continue...a tide of discontent over the violence that our society accepts as routine...especially violence against spouses and children...and of course violence against people of color, which has been so much in the news.
There are a lot of people who are fed up with a culture where rape and exploitation of children is...if not acceptable, at least ignored. I hope that bandwagon rolls by us soon...and we can all hop onboard and find validation for the injustice that truly IS our lives.
I feel that based on the things I've seen and heard lately...people are getting angry over this issue...and righteous anger can be a powerful force for change.
I would also say that if the whole climate of secrecy that surrounds child abuse in all its forms were shredded away and the criminals who do these things were stopped in their tracks...that would be healing for us. We are not islands, we're connected to our culture and to society. Every time I see a "child molester"...better to call them child rapists...dragged out into the spotlight and brought to justice...a part of me feels stronger.
I want to see them NOT go on with their lives.
Judith Herman not only writes brilliant books, but expresses herself in an understandable way. I just ordered Trauma and Recovery.
Thank you for bringing her work to the Board and for pointing out that "...social or political action is an important END-STAGE part of healing." Her work is based on 20 years of experience of working with survivors.
I agree. It is an "end-stage" of healing and given that, I believe you're right to worry about "...replicating feelings of powerless/ness/ in the course of trying to take action."
We must get to a stage in our healing where taking social/political action does not bring us to our knees. And, we can.
For those who would rather take a different kind of action--like consciousness raising, or writing, or art, or music, etc. then know that these actions also serve to change cultural values.
But, I say again and will continue to say that our first priority must be to look after our own healing. And when we are ready we can fight--each in our own way.
xx
SuzA
You are quite right to say, "...righteous anger can be a powerful force for change."
And I agree that "...we are not islands--we're connected to our culture and society" and I must add-- to each other.
And someplace in between the anger and connections is a survivor trying to make sense of it all, IMO. So, I'd like to say to those survivors who are ready to give public voice to their anger that I will listen and support you.
But, I will not be side-tracked from my messages of healing priority. We must get to that "end-stage" of healing that Herman talks about in her book, Trauma and Recovery before we take on the world.
And I'm still wondering where the gray area is between "us" and "them."
Any ideas?
xx
SuzA
People who visited China often came away in awe of how they can complete massive construction projects without large machinery. Each person does his or her little part with shovels, wheel barrows, carrying concrete blocks, etc.
I think that's the way society can be reformed too. Instead of retreating into ourselves, we can stay angry and fight back in any way we can against a culture of rape and abuse of children. It can be as small as outing a child abuser, speaking out, making noise about it. We have that motivation to change things, more than anyone else, because we know what it's like to be used by someone like that...and what the consequences are for the victim.
If your local police see that there are people in the community who stand up for abused children, they might do what they did in my community...they intervene in situations where children are being abused...there are special task forces now for domestic violence and child abuse.
When you hear some jackass joke about rape, yell at them. Only takes a minute, and it CAN make a difference.
Change can happen, and when it does...I think that can heal us. We're not victims anymore when we fight back. It's about society being healed, and the individual being healed...at the same time.
I'm talking about our mindset. We were taught how to be passive victims. So we can teach ourselves how not to be victims...how to TAKE action instead of always REacting and being passive.
Paraphrasing Margaret Mead...It's often said that small groups of people working together can't change society. But actually that's the only way society ever has changed.