Hi everyone!! *wave*
Soo, I don't really know how I'm doing. My friends and boyfriend know about my dad. But my mother doesn't. I still cant tell her. I feel soo broken still. But Cutie is helping, it feels like he is glueing pieces together. I love him, we have done stuff. I dont regret it, but I dont feel so self conscious with him either. I feel safer, ) im more adventerous (anxious and shy girl here) with him. He took me bowling and I did a bit.
But I'm still struggling. Im depressed still and feel like in not worthy of him. I'm dirty, he doesnt deserve someone like me. I dont deserve him. He is so amazing and hasn't killed my father.
I get too high strung, hyper, a bit violent (play fighting and messing around, i end up actually hurting people) i never mean too. Too emotional and i hate it. It makes me hate myself.
I have felt monitored for a long time. Fear has been a huge factor in my life since 1999. I have nothing to hide. Yet people feel the need to punish me and trick me. I have had more done to me, than I ever did to anyone else. This is the truth.
Please call me Andy. I'm dx'd with situational PTSD, beginning Feb. 2nd 2018. At that time my wife of 24 years died as I was administering CPR. The first few days and weeks were indescribable. I have no idea, looking back, how I survived. Now it's Feb. again, and it's like wave after wave of intensely tangled emotions, and near panic every morning. By afternoon I'm exhausted and...