hi weather. the way I was abused when I was a child led me also to be attracted to domination scenarios by men because a man abused me - this is what I believe makes the most sense. So I think you are right to connect those two in your experience. No relationship has been successful long-term for me, and .when I am honest with myself about it, the domination scenario is at least part of the issue. I say that because I think it is easy to 'hide' emotionally from a partner by replaying abuse scenarios (which are part of the domination theme). I think it becomes addictive, an obsessive behavior. there is no ultimate satisfaction emotionally or spiritually with the domination sex for me so I gave it up.

I think we are doing well when we no longer judge ourselves sexually and allow ourselves to be honest, at least within if not here or elsewhere. the things you mention being obsessed with could be related to a memory you have lost and the obsession is a way to recall the memory when you are emotionally ready. just a thought.

Thankyou for the reply. I guess it all builds up & every now & then I have to live out those scenerios..then after that..I'm ok for awhile. My partner is not interested ar all in rhat so it's kinda like a "don't ask..don't tell policy".

So...you've got a fetish that's a problem, but *only* a problem in the context of your current partnership, because your spouse isn't on board.
I *believe* that defines the problem?

I mean, yeah, it was probably the abuse that warped your wiring this way.
But the fetish is here now, and from what I know of such things, they tend not to be banished easily.
SO...

-Do you want to seek treatment to get rid of this stuff, or to at least see if that's therapeutically possible?
Because I don't know that sexual fetishes can be gotten rid of; I think you just either act on them or you don't.
-I'm inclined to suggest something else: Couples' counseling.
I think it would be easier to get your wife to play along with the fetishes than it would be for you to dig them out.

Right now it sounds like you're sort-of doing the "quietly open marriage" thing...she knows you need this specific thing and are going elsewhere to get it occasionally.
If that's a happy solution for both of you, then good.
But since you are talking about it here, I'm guessing you are not happy with this"go get it elsewhere and don't tell me about it" thing you're doing with your partner.
I'd feel...like a part of me was judged and rejected, were I in your shoes, and that's a bad feeling indeed from a life partner.
So...
What resolution do you want?

I guess I just wonder why im this way. I have tried many times to get her involved..but no action..so..I figure this is the way it will always be?

I have tried to find some sort of scientific explanation for fetishes, partly because I have a few of my own, and partly because, well, I'm a social sciences geek...
Anyway, there's not really any good cause-effect explanation for fetishes.
Some people have been abused in ways that correlate to what sexual interests they have. Some people, not so much.
...As for your partnership?
Things will remain the way they are unless you and/or your partner make an effort to change things.
...I just hope for happiness for you, like I do for everybody.

TRIGGER WARNING

Thank you for opening the door to this topic. You are not alone. My mother anally abused me in order to groom me for her boyfriends. It is like she somehow transformed my anus into a vagina in terms of its sensitivity. Now I am in my 40s and I cannot orgasm without anal penetration. I am heterosexual. Friend me and you can read my journal where my therapist referred me to a woman who "raped" me with a dildo. I fought my desires for decades but finally overcame them by reliving my abuse. Since I let go of the shame, I have found out many women enjoy doing that to a man. Who knew?

I was raped by my father for 3.5 years and now I seem to have a "problem" with authority figures, and by problem I mean I am always severely attracted to them despite physical appearance or personality. I almost can't be attracted to anybody that isn't in an authority role above me. So basically, I kinda understand how you feel. I still struggle with it and feel screwed up because of it. unfortunately, I think its something we just have to live with

I was abused by my father when I was very young and I'm sure that's why I'm afraid of authority figures. I was abused by a woman when I had just reacher puberty in front of my mother and others. They all laughed. When it was over I ran and his. I'm sure that's why I crave a woman to dominate, punish me and humiliate me. I felt very humiliated at the time. I've tried to change it but I can't.

Oops I typed his instead of hid.

its nice to be able to admit these things and talk about them while remaining anonymous..and people are still talking to me and excepting me..awesome!