Incest Survivors Support Group
Incest refers to any sexual activity between closely related persons that is illegal or socially taboo. Consensual adult incest is very rare. Incest between adults and prepubescent or adolescent children is a form of child sexual abuse that has been shown to be one of the most extreme forms of childhood trauma. If you or a loved one is a survivor of incest, join the group...
To the men in the group...I am sorry. I am not attacking but I come here to vent and learn and get support so don't personalize this.
I read a post by someone who is finally able to have intimacy (sexual). She used to have to be drunk or high to have sex. Now she is in love and has been able to let down the wall. She said she had to learn that he wasn't just using her.
My initial reaction is: Yes, he IS using you. Just turn him down, say no. You will see the real him. I don't know whether it is a cycle of the bipolar2 that I supposedly have (diagnosed after 45 min and I think it is BS) or if it is because I have been talking about some painful things in therapy but I am 5 steps back into not trusting men.
That post just set me off. I don't think men are capable of love. That doesn't mean I think they are all evil and soulless. I think they simply cannot love. My brother couldn't love me more than his friend or the need to get off. His friend only loved me when I gave him what he wanted sexually. When i fought back he tried to kill me. One of my other brothers knew what was happening and didn't help. He beat me up a couple of times a week because my dad hurt him and shit rolls downhill. I asked an older neighbor for help. He literally laughed. He thought it was funny that I was being abused. I was labeled by the neighborhood kids as a slut by the time I was 10. Twice I was called to the door because a "friend" was asking for me. It turned out to be boys who had heard I would have sex. I was 11. In one case I initially thought he really liked me. No. He liked to fuck. I didn't so he had to get it elsewhere. Pattern pretty much continues through my life. My late husband through hissy fits if I didn't have sex.
I could go on buyt I am working myself up so bad right now. My chest hurts and I am having visuals of very bad things. I just want out of my life. I don't want to die I just don't want to be me. I feel like I am the only one who didn't drink the koolaid.
I read a post by someone who is finally able to have intimacy (sexual). She used to have to be drunk or high to have sex. Now she is in love and has been able to let down the wall. She said she had to learn that he wasn't just using her.
My initial reaction is: Yes, he IS using you. Just turn him down, say no. You will see the real him. I don't know whether it is a cycle of the bipolar2 that I supposedly have (diagnosed after 45 min and I think it is BS) or if it is because I have been talking about some painful things in therapy but I am 5 steps back into not trusting men.
That post just set me off. I don't think men are capable of love. That doesn't mean I think they are all evil and soulless. I think they simply cannot love. My brother couldn't love me more than his friend or the need to get off. His friend only loved me when I gave him what he wanted sexually. When i fought back he tried to kill me. One of my other brothers knew what was happening and didn't help. He beat me up a couple of times a week because my dad hurt him and shit rolls downhill. I asked an older neighbor for help. He literally laughed. He thought it was funny that I was being abused. I was labeled by the neighborhood kids as a slut by the time I was 10. Twice I was called to the door because a "friend" was asking for me. It turned out to be boys who had heard I would have sex. I was 11. In one case I initially thought he really liked me. No. He liked to fuck. I didn't so he had to get it elsewhere. Pattern pretty much continues through my life. My late husband through hissy fits if I didn't have sex.
I could go on buyt I am working myself up so bad right now. My chest hurts and I am having visuals of very bad things. I just want out of my life. I don't want to die I just don't want to be me. I feel like I am the only one who didn't drink the koolaid.
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Middy is off for a bit so if anyone needs a CL please just give me a shoutSending a big hug...xo
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I feel so dirty and used I was drunk and passed out at a party when I came around some guy was on top of me rapeing me he covered my mouth and told me to shut up afterwards he got up and got dressed and said I better not tell anyone I found my friend and reported that I had been raped after having medical checks and them getting DNA I've taken the morning after pill IAM just so depressed and...
There is as much truth is in this as there is in your belief that all men can't love (none). It was a lie taught to us by bastards.
There are good men out there, in fact most men are good. Most men do know how to love and would not force a woman to have sex if she didn't want it - the trouble is that so far you have had most influence from the nasties.
Keep noticing what you think and what you feel and watch out for the guys who behave nicely to women in the real world and on screen. Allow your trust to build as slowly as you are comfortable with. So far you have missed out on the koolaid, but your share is coming.
I think that Breakingtheshell has made a good point - you were taught that men can't or won't love, that all they want is sex and if you deny that, then they have "hissy fits". I am sorry you have been through such experiences that would teach you such, but I hope that somewhere in your 'heart-of-hearts' you know that none of this is true. The men in your life were pricks - and your neighbor was abusive in his own right. You hopefully learn, as a part of your journey, that in general, men are just a flawed and yet able to love as women are.
Is there a "perfect" man? Probably no more than there is a "perfect" woman. But there are good men just as there are good women and right now you are just blinded by your past to be able to see that. I realize that this is most likely a protective element on your minds part - and I hope that this is a part of your healing that will come some day for you. By seeing all men as unable to love, you count out a LOT of wonderful people who may become a good support to you once you can allow them to be.
I see this as just another step in your journey - we can't correct our thinking until we admit to the "warps" we have in our thought processes and I know it took a lot of strength to be able to make this statement.
Take care and time....
All my best-
Refuse2quit
Growing up, guys beat me up, raped me, molested me, enjoyed doing things to me, spit at me, thrown me into things (side of a school bus was one guys favorite) yes, males are some of the dumbest breads out there... Though I do know there are a few good ones. Like myself, there isn't a thing in this world I won't do for my wife, or any female friends I have. I will put my life on the line to help them (and have too).
If for some reason I don't think they (wife or friends) are not happy, it's instantly my fault... And I will always take care of the issue...
Please, don't give up on all guys out there... And no, sex isn't always in my mind, nor do I get upset if my wife turns me down... Actually, I will ask her if she wants me to do anything for her?, rather than me getting anything.
I hope I didn't upset you in anyway, not my intention at all..
Not alone
I know in my head there are good men. I know a few of them. There is a child like part of me that gets spooked by something and everything just spirals. I end up feeling embarrassed.
The past 4 days or so my first thought when I open my eyes is that I want to die. More of a "wish" I could die. I'm too chicken for suicide. I try to kind of accept the feeling. It is just a feeling. A horrible, crappy one but the feeling will go away....and it does. It comes back throughout the day when ever it's quiet.
Back to the part about men. It scares me that there were so many men in my life that were bad. The ratio or proportion seems just too high. I rationalize that because my boundaries were almost non existent and I was never taught it was NOT ok to be treated badly, it seemed like most men were bad.
I'm not sure what caused this downward spiral. Was it biochemical or emotional. I wish it would stop. The mental pain is almost if not worse than physical pain.
You said "I rationalize that because my boundaries were almost non existent and I was never taught it was NOT ok to be treated badly, it seemed like most men were bad. "
I so get this. I think it's the brain trying to have some control. I don't know why you had so many abusive men in your life but it might not help to try and figure out why - much like a person who has survived a crippling car accident.
There is good news in this. It might be near impossible to see now, but the fact that you realize you were unable or powerless to say no is the first step in allowing yourself to say no in the now.
As for the downward spiral, is this a new thing in your life? Have you had this type of downward spiral before?
Then I ended up where I am. Anger, anxiety, panic, hurt. self loathing. I have parts of the day when it is overwhelming and painful then I am mostly ok then when I am not distracted it starts all over.
I'm glad you were able to allow yourself to shed some tears. I like to think of tears as healing. It is a fine balance to weather the storm though.
I suppose this is not healthy of me but here is the tally by the time I was 11:
One brother sexually abused me
One brother didn't touch but he kept calling me to his room to look at porn and if he wasn't doing that he was beating the crap out of me.
One neighbor abused me and raped me then tried to drown me.
another neighbor stood outside the window at night and watched me.
another brother never touched me but had quite the temper. Sometimes he was very nice but then one day he killed my pet turtles in front of me.
My oldest brother was nice but he moved away when I was 4 or 5.
My father was a bastard. He at one time or another would take the shot gun out and chase after my brothers. He would fire. He was either a bad shot or was firing over their heads. It was a rite of passage for my brothers...kind of like a bar mitzvah without the gifts but with gun fire.
It got worse as I got older. Dating was awful. I had the worst taste in men. I missed the red flags....or maybe I saw them and thought it was normal.
It is surprising the things we normalize...
I'm sorry about the avatar. She is my cranky pants girl. I can get really cranky.
You didn't deserve any of that. No child does. I can't help but think you are a very strong person. Thank-you for sharing.
I think that when you are ready, you will start to notice more and more good men. There are so many out there. It can be hard to trust that because the few bad ones are usually allowed to proceed for a long, long time. I think it also can help to see the power of femininity. Did you know that women live longer, have better health care, and more access to social services?
The face of your avatar fits exactly. I hope another Mike comes along in your life.
Thanks for sharing. To tally is hard. Why do we feel shame for having the misfortune of coming from predatory families ?
I met a woman who heard part of my tally - molested by 1 sister and 2 brothers, mom blamed me for it, older brother impregnated older sister.
She said "And you are functioning"?
Immediately I felt shame.
Then I thought "Yeah, I am, and it's not because of anything but seeking help through counseling and reading and DS."
So keep on seeking!