We all want to be loved, and yes we've been betrayed. I think of these thoughts often myself. How low I feel sometimes when I think, "yeah I was scared to be alone at night, or scared to go to the bathroom - so I would wake up my brother to come with me! and I knew he would fuck me!" I hear you on these thoughts!
I wanted to be secure, safe and loved - but he took that and used it for himself. And your Dad did the same.
Its the horrible truth but one thing we have to remember is 'We were children, just little kids wanting to loved, cared for and protected. We didn't do anything wrong'. The wrong is their's NOT ours! I have hard time with this too.
I am with you Hylierandom and im sending you lots of hugs, safe hugs!
D

But love always comes with the possibility of hurt - it's the bittersweet nature of it. I believe that it is worth that risk, as the benefits of true, pure love help heal the effects of the original abuse. But it is a risk- I really believe there was a reason behind the long "courtship" that USED to be expected, prior to a sexual or matrimonial relationship. If you are going to commit yourself to someone, supposedly for life, then you should not enter lightly nor quickly into what could be a life time of pain or bliss. Both results deserve a long period of consideration and contemplation prior to commitment. You deserve the same. And I know, this is asking a lot for the "let's have sex and then see if you like each other" approach that is so prevalent today. But, it really is the only way to know if the person you are giving yourself to, in theory in heart, mind and soul, are worth the risk. Time and getting to know each other. If the other person really loves you, they will move at your pace and respect your desire / need for such.
This is my approach and I am glad I used it. My partner and I got to know each other for about 2 years before I was ready to say yes to him....it took some conflict and a lot of talk, but we are very happy where we are (at least I am - he says he is and HE BETTER BE!!! LOL). And if you jump into a relationship, then it is a crap-shoot.
Hope this helps, it's about the only way I know of getting to understand and measure the person that you are feeling love toward - time and be able to hold off on any commitments until they have shown that they are really the person they say they are and not just showing you a "good side" in order to get you to get you hooked then reel you in.
All my best,
Refuse2quit

I hear you Hylierandom,
I was made to create a sexual alter under my abusers' tortures who forced me to dissociate into the sex objects they wanted for their own sexual gratification and sadistic pulsions.My therapist , a leading victimologist with whom I also studied later, at university,helped me understand the process.
It was very freaky to realise the extent of that mind washing and dissociative parts's creating.
A few years ago, I used to laugh watching the American series "United States of Tara", about a DID sufferer who had been sexually abused.
I had become aware with time that I was a survivor of incest and had serious amnesia. but the shock to discover how abusers had made me dissociate into "their puppets" left me feel very vulnerable.
I also realised how in the past I had been attracted to the wrong relationships, either sadistic sexual perverts or asexual partners who would not threaten me.With my therapist, I had to work hard on linking up with the content of memories my dissociative parts held and the false beliefs that the whore was my making.

Another consequence for me is I can't differentiate between pain and pleasure in sexual context.
I have noticed my niece, who was brought up at my parents(in spite of my warnings to her mum!) has developped an alter which makes her pose as"amodel" and go into extreme SM situations that are very dangerous.in the day, she is an intelligent young woman who is at university studying to become a social worker.At night, she is in the hands ofa pervert photographer whose aim is to have enogh money to buy a "dongeon" and recieve special clients.She is in total denial. about her reenacting the initial trauma.Isound crazy to her.I
So, although it is very painful to realise what our abusers really did to us, it is the door to sanity and finding healthy relationships.

Great post! I went through a lot of years thinking "if I only did this, or did that better", than maybe dad would have loved me. Even though I hated and despised what he did to me, still loved him all the same.
I have lived your last sentence, and have always walked away from people who started to love me. My community, friends and even family, although with family it's more of pushing them away. When I hear people say to me that I'm wonderful person and they love me for whom i am, I would rather be beaten with a chain, that would feel less painful. Yet if I'm going to continue this road of kindness and compassion, I'll just have to get use to hearing those things and slowly I am.
You're in a rough place and it comes down to trust and thats a hard one. Chances are you, me and everyone else will get hurt again somewhere down this road called life, it's just the ways it is. Hopefully not really bad. All we can do is to learn to work through those hurts with methods that work for us, so if they do happen again, we can pick ourselves up a little quicker and keep moving forward. I wish you the best with this issue, Blaine

True love has nothing to do with power.True love is sharing and no one who truly loves you would use your love to control you.What is sounds like you fear in actuality is false love.Abuse causes such a void in a person.Certain alters or parts have massive yearnings for love and acceptance and abusers know this and they use it to abuse us.

Also Hylie respectfully I think it would be prudent to look at dissociation in a logical way.We all know that there are levels of dissociation.With the least dissociative state being daydreaming and highway hypnosis all the way to paralytic fear trance states where a person actually experiences rigor mortis while having out of body experiences. On the lesser end when we are daydreaming what is actually taking place?I don't know about you but for me absolutely nothing happens other than me sitting there in a trance staring blankly into space.So what happens to us when the dissociation becomes deeper because of trauma?Answer: an even deeper trance where we are pretty much comatose.In that deep dissociative state abusers can implant many false suggestions that hound a victim of abuse until they get into recovery and learn these dynamics.

It sounds as though your "father" (for lack of a better word) used every means to abuse you and most likely programmed you to believe it was your fault because you went to him (as any normal child would) to get comfort.The truly pathetic and sad fact is that not only did he use your need for love and comfort it sounds like he also used your PTSD as a child to reabuse you as well.A truly vile being.

I remember very little from when it all started, but I do remember knowing fully knowing if I didn't give in, it was going to be terrible and he would get his way anyway.
So.. I gave in... I had no choice if I didn't want to suffer terribly and I knew it.
I didn't make the choice to be his toy... I made the choice to not suffer more than I had to. IT's a choice a child should never have to make, you should have never had to make.
Sometimes, people break off a part of themselves to make that "okay" really it's just so the ttruth doesn't kill them and I think that is okay. It makes healing hard, but it beats dying in the mean time.
Even to this day, I cannot sleep before 2 am... I knew if I made it to 2am, he was asleep and he wasn't going to sneak into my room. I will probably never sleep before then except when I am very sick.
I used to crave the attention he gave me, my parents were to busy rescuing the "Troubled kids" the ones in and out of drugs, alcohol, jail, etc.
Any attention... We are wired for that. As children, attention is survival, we are helpless, defenseless, and we know without the "bigger people" To give us stuff, we will die.. we still remember being babies and having to be fed or we died.. we are totally reliant on them.
That's, what makes their betrayal so terrible. That's why it cuts us to our core.
They took away not only our innocence, our freedom, but our very sense that we can survive and our needs will be met, without having to resort to things we hate.
So, we learn, love is being used.. and that is the hardest lesson to unlearn (some never do) A few of us, just say to hell with it, and cut off "love" all together.

My particular twist is that the craving for love somewhat overcomes the terror of same.
But then I feel helpless to stop myself...which was the way I felt when going to dad.

Either way, it's a suckfest. :'/

Hylie, I am with you. I had to do an EMDR session on one flashback that came to me about six months ago or so of me being not only compliant but provocative - at 4 years old - with my grandfather. My grandmother saw what was happening and corrected my behavior but my grandfather laughed gleefully. It really disturbed me to remember that scene, and I have been afraid to remember more around that.. I know I have remembered enough to realize that I "whored for cuddles" too. But I was a child and coped the best a child could with a situation beyond my understanding and control - same with you, Hylie. What began when you were a small child could not have been understood and controlled by you - you had no choices you could make other than the ones you did make. And the choices you did make are valid and they helped you cope.

When I think about what I was willing to live with in my marriage I realize too "how EASY it is for those whom we love to get us to do just about anything. Anything." This has kept me out of relationships for a several years now, and being alone for this long has been a freedom I have never known before. It has been good for me.

The answer seems to be that we have to love ourselves, cherish ourselves, and get beyond the shame and judgment BEFORE we can feel safe being vulnerable. As long as we are internalizing the shame and judging ourselves for what the evildoer did to us, then we will remain in fear and we will be desperate for the outside validation of someone loving us - yet we won't trust it because we don't really love or trust ourselves.

Yes, we are basically handing over a key to the treasure when we love, but we choose to share a key to our home with someone we trust when we need help or when we are offering help to that person who is sharing the key. So, trust yourself to pick the right person, Hylie. You are very smart, and you will know if you love and trust yourself enough to have the kind of relationship where you are able to receive love without risking destruction. If you love and trust yourself enough, you will have picked the right person to know your vulnerabilities. and just imagine how wonderful it could be to love and be loved with a person who can be trusted to take care of the key.

take care of yourself, Hylie

hylierandom,

You say, "I loved my dad."

I heard that because I loved my dad, too. When I was a child I didn't realize it was a love driven by my need to survive. While that may not be the "true love" some adults may come to know it was still a very legitimate human-child type of love.

However, the unhappy thing about love driven by survival needs is that's how I came to understand love. I learned that in order for someone to love me I had to do some things I didn't like doing or give up doing things I did like to do.

So, it's no wonder that, as an adult, each time I fell in love some part of me had to decide what I was willing to give up in order to keep the love (and thus survive in the world). Most of the time I gave up whatever I thought my "love" didn't like about me.

It took me a long time to understand how real love acted. It certainly wasn't by giving parts of myself away or burying my emotions, thoughts, or feelings, or leaving myself open to being used.

You say, "I want love, but I fear it because I know I'm handing someone the power to destroy me when I love."

Dearest hylierandom, I've discovered that as I learned to love myself no one could destroy me. Yes, I might get hurt but that is inherent in the risk of loving another.

Don't let your fear cheat you of one of life's deepest connections and gifts--mutual respect, caring, emotional and physical connection, and support--all of which signal real love to me.

xx
SuzA