Incest Survivors Support Group
Incest refers to any sexual activity between closely related persons that is illegal or socially taboo. Consensual adult incest is very rare. Incest between adults and prepubescent or adolescent children is a form of child sexual abuse that has been shown to be one of the most extreme forms of childhood trauma. If you or a loved one is a survivor of incest, join the group...
To make a long story short, she pressured me into sex I really didn't want.
...She apologized the next day, and I'd actually blanked out the whole thing.
When she apologized I said "I'm not used to the idea that what I want means anything."
We had been emailing multiple times a day, I asked her to leave me alone until Monday.
Right now, I feel squashed by her.
I need to disengage for a bit, and she does not handle that well at all.
I now am powerfully wanting to dump her, though she's otherwise been very sweet. I'm sure it's probably about being bugged into sex, when all I wanted was cuddles, and it will probably pass.
...But there were so many times I wanted to walk away from my ex and didn't. I should have demanded a breakup a long time ago.
...She apologized the next day, and I'd actually blanked out the whole thing.
When she apologized I said "I'm not used to the idea that what I want means anything."
We had been emailing multiple times a day, I asked her to leave me alone until Monday.
Right now, I feel squashed by her.
I need to disengage for a bit, and she does not handle that well at all.
I now am powerfully wanting to dump her, though she's otherwise been very sweet. I'm sure it's probably about being bugged into sex, when all I wanted was cuddles, and it will probably pass.
...But there were so many times I wanted to walk away from my ex and didn't. I should have demanded a breakup a long time ago.
i've stayed with people who have done that to me, too.
personally, i don't think it's cool when anyone pressures anyone else into sex when they don't want it. and if your partner knows you have been abused, i would hope they'd be more sensitive than that.
I had to think for 5 minutes to remember what she was talking about.
I did not know why I was thinking "Yeah, she's getting too clingy, I need to dump her." Or why I was feeling frustrated and sad.
I was dissociating things a bit.
Last week we were away on a business trip and after 3 days of pressure I gave in. It was a disaster. Afterwards we talked about it and it became clear to me that:
a. he had wanted closeness and affection, and sex is the way he seeks that
b. he wasn't consciously aware of how much pressure he was putting me under (he just knew he wanted it)
c. I have to risk hurting and upsetting him by saying 'no' when I don't want sex, because he is never going to learn to listen to me if I don't.
d. I have to remind myself he is not my father and so won't beat me up if I say no.
Many people are not sensitive. They do not want to hurt others but are not sensitive to others, so need a more direct approach. I see this with my hubby and our kids. I have to point it out when the kids are really happy or unhappy about something. When I do he takes it in and reacts appropriately. So it's not that he's mean or doesn't care, it's that he just doesn't see and so needs to be told - clearly and unambiguously. His parents are the same. Their insensitivity towards their children amazes me sometimes, although they do clearly care for them and love them.
Obviously I don't know your girlfriend so I don't know if my experience is relevant to your situation, but I just thought I'd share...
Take care.
Hugs
I don't mean to get too graphic, but I see a difference between pressured sex and romantic sex.
My ex- was bad about the pressuring me to have sex and when I was really going through the hardest parts of my molestation journey, he was very harsh about me not wanting to have sex at the drop of a hat. I finally told him that I would make love to him, but I did not just want to have sex. He did not seem to understand what I meant. I explained, in detail, what I meant - I wanted to be held, wanted to be talked to afterward, wanted to be caressed and such - the basic warmth that separates "just sex" from "making love"; I also said that my goal was not to always have an orgasm, but to have closeness. He thought about it and decided it was too hard to do - so we stopped having physical relations for many years. Then when I finally decided it was time to move on, that the relationship had degraded into a "roommate" situation, he was so vindictive and mad - I saw a side of him that no one else ever saw and I was held responsible for the relationship failing.
We all make mistakes, but if this is a pattern or has occurred in the past, I would rethink the relationship very hard. Apologies can be spoken many times, but if the behavior does not change, then it is abuse. No one should be pressured or forced into sex - physical relations are something that has to be mutual or else someone is getting taken advantage of.
I wish you well and hope that you end up with a partner that understands that NO means NO. Otherwise the behavior can move from the bedroom into other aspects of your life, and that is just not being fair to you.
All my best -
Refuse2quit