Incest Survivors Support Group
Incest refers to any sexual activity between closely related persons that is illegal or socially taboo. Consensual adult incest is very rare. Incest between adults and prepubescent or adolescent children is a form of child sexual abuse that has been shown to be one of the most extreme forms of childhood trauma. If you or a loved one is a survivor of incest, join the group...
That emotional flashback I had has triggered a major depression. I've been here before and in some ways I'm not as bad in others I'm worse. I'm feeling very needy which is the way of depression. I am definately feeling sort for my situation. Everything has built up and that flashback has put me over the edge. I'm hurting myself multiple times a day and as usual the nights are worse.
I've been dealing with what my father did to me for almost 30 years. I went through the major depression over that the first time. Then came the amputations and the diabetes and the kidney disease and the high blood pressure and lesser chronic illnesses. Then my wife passed away and more memories of incest started to surface. I've been barely hanging on. Then this flashback. I can't think, I can't sleep and I'm eating one meal a day and that is making me sick.
I know what to expect from the depression so I do expect to get through it and I'm not as suicidal as last time. But everything else is worse. I got in a big fight with my boss last week. I don't know how I can do my job and I'm afraid I will get fired. I feel so debilitated. Eating one meal a day for a diabetic on insulin is a dangerous thing. I'm scratching my arms with my fingernails hard enough to draw blood and since I'm prone to infections and scratches on my legs caused me to have the amputations also very dangerous. I don't want to kill myself, but I might by my dangerous behavior. I'm out of control and hurt so bad I don't want to stop.
Sorry for venting but I don't know what to do. My therapist is on vacation. I called her office and the male who called me back was less than useless. I'm supposed to have an appointment for a Med evaluation on the 22 if I can hold on. I already have 14 scripts and multiple supliments.
I want to smash everything in sight. I'm exhausted and I don't want to go to bed. When I'm in bed I don't want to get out of bed. I feel weak and so worthless and I hate myself so much.
I've been dealing with what my father did to me for almost 30 years. I went through the major depression over that the first time. Then came the amputations and the diabetes and the kidney disease and the high blood pressure and lesser chronic illnesses. Then my wife passed away and more memories of incest started to surface. I've been barely hanging on. Then this flashback. I can't think, I can't sleep and I'm eating one meal a day and that is making me sick.
I know what to expect from the depression so I do expect to get through it and I'm not as suicidal as last time. But everything else is worse. I got in a big fight with my boss last week. I don't know how I can do my job and I'm afraid I will get fired. I feel so debilitated. Eating one meal a day for a diabetic on insulin is a dangerous thing. I'm scratching my arms with my fingernails hard enough to draw blood and since I'm prone to infections and scratches on my legs caused me to have the amputations also very dangerous. I don't want to kill myself, but I might by my dangerous behavior. I'm out of control and hurt so bad I don't want to stop.
Sorry for venting but I don't know what to do. My therapist is on vacation. I called her office and the male who called me back was less than useless. I'm supposed to have an appointment for a Med evaluation on the 22 if I can hold on. I already have 14 scripts and multiple supliments.
I want to smash everything in sight. I'm exhausted and I don't want to go to bed. When I'm in bed I don't want to get out of bed. I feel weak and so worthless and I hate myself so much.
The emergency stage is by FAR the hardest stage to get through. I'm going to try and find some info on it for you. Be right back.
Beginning to deal with memories and long-suppressed feelings can throw your life into turmoil. This is a time when emotional pain is intense, the old coping mechanisms are no longer intact, and it may be difficult to function at your usual level. Remember, this stage won't last forever.
Many survivors go through a period when sexual abuse is literally all they can think about. You may find yourself talking about it obsessively with anyone who will listen, having uncontrollable flashbacks, crying all day long or unable to go to work. Your life may be full of overwhelming crises. You may dream about your abuser or be afraid to sleep.
Self care in the emergency stage is vital!! Some strategies listed in the book are to:
*Know you are not going crazy.
*Find people you can talk to.
*Get support from other survivors.
*Seek out skilled professional support.
*Create a safe place in your home.
*Accept where you are right now. (no criticizing yourself!)
*Sit tight and ride out the storm. (No major life changes or decisions)
*Get out of abusive situations.
*Drop what isn't essential in your life. (No challenges, extra work or more responsibilities. But keep up activities that you enjoy & that nourish you)
*Watch your intake of drugs and alcohol.
*Look for financial and material aid if you need it.
*Don't hurt or try to kill yourself.
*Remind yourself that you're brave.
*Remember to breathe.
*Spirituality can give you inspiration & strength.
*Consult with a doctor about medication, if necessary.
*This too shall pass. (tomorrow, next week or next year will NOT be the same as it is right now!)
You're in the middle of a really rough storm, which will pass, but until it does you need to focus on what you need to get through it.
Take care.
You have to be creative now. Your in a box of reality that does you no good. Get out of the box. You can climb out of this nightmare at will. You have to be willing to forgive yourself. The pain is unmanageable because you are committed to shame and guilt that are lies. SI is a commitment to this, you know that. Would it be worth it, for less pain and confusion, would it be worth it to consider your own innocence? Is your belief in how guilty you are really worth so much that you are suffering through. You can releave this horror you breath through you with a simple act of self forgiveness. It is the truth, it is reality. You suffer in hell over guilt that is a lie. Seek your own forgiveness.
OK that's what Psyche says. I hope it helps. Laura says remember you are not alone and your terrible pain is understood complete. (I take my coffee with cream and sweetener.)
Laura
I do believe that I was innocent at least. I still haven't accepted that my father was as bad as he was. Everybody in my extended family loved and respected him. He married my mother when she was 16 and he was 28. To me that seems a little strange.
That reminds of the boyscout troupe my son was in. He was only in that troupe for a couple of weeks when I pulled him out because I had such a creepy feeling about the scoutmaster. Everybody in town said what a wonderful person he was. He was an ex marine. As it happened it was later discovered he was molesting boys in his troupe. He pled guilty, but only spent a few days in jail.