It's brave of you to post this question. I have struggled with this my whole life and have been deeply tormented by the fact that what hurt me in real life becomes erotic in my imagination. What kind of alchemy is that? I don't have any answers for you, I can only tell you that as far as I know, however perverse it seems, this is a normal reaction and you are not alone.

In recent years I've been working a lot with my inner children and developing strong love and compassion for them. The way that I short-circuit such fantasies nowadays is to think about them as applying to a real girl. The idea of such things happening to a real girl makes me sick. But this method leaves me up a creek without a paddle sexually so it's not much of a solution.

This is definitely not something I'm OK with talking about. But if it helps someone else feel like they're not such a freak for being this way, what the heck.

My sexual desires and fantasies are probably all tied up in the way I was introduced to sex...by a much older sister who I'm sure now was a pedophile. The images and triggers that particularly excite me are all related to those early years...older, but attractive women dominating me and abusing me...turning the tables and dominating younger women and abusing them.

I get all guilty over these feelings and I try to deny them, but that doesn't really change what I feel. In real life I can't see myself ever controlling and abusing anyone, and I'm not accepting of a submissive role either. I tend to be very independent and self-sufficient in life...and respectful of the needs of others...but inside the desires never go away completely...they re-emerge if I'm triggered.

As you know I'm sure, this kind of thing leaves a person very conflicted, especially if they've been raised very strictly in a religious setting as I was.

There's an old saying I remember from years ago..."As the twig is bent so grows the tree." We are what we are, and none of it is our doing. I try to accept these feelings and fantasies, but they always leave me conflicted emotionally.

Part of the problem is that we have a notion of what we're supposed to be, and it's just too far from the truth of what people are really like. Fetishes and kinky sex are very likely as common as grass lawns in the suburbs. Based on what I've seen, they almost certainly are.

Some would undoubtedly say we should accept ourselves as we are, but that's more easily said than done.

I think (maybe?) people get off on fantasies about being helplessly abused because it creates a scenario of not being able to control the act, which in turns takes any responsibility for the pleasure away from us. We've been trained to think that only bad girls and boys can get pleasure from sex, so it better be against our will!

I'm not sure how it works when fantasizing about being the abuser, other than it might be an attempt to reverse the imbalance of power we've all been subjected to. Sooo... we want to be in control and not be in control. Clear as mud? ;-) Well, I guess there just isn't one-size-fits-all answers to these things.

"Clear as mud"...really well put. That's the best description I've ever heard of the basis and motivation for the strange puzzle of all the variations of human sexuality.

It does. Mine does too. It wasn't something we chose. I think it's a way of desensitizing ourselves to the abuse.
...I went through a phase of needing abuse fantasies to get myself off.
...it did not feel particularly great, no, but it felt like something needed. I have better things to think about now when masturbating.

Please try not to hate yourself, you have enough troubles without beating up on yourself as well.