You don't need to kill yourself, just kill the part of you that wants to help them. Forget them, they should be giving you money. Maybe you can think that every time you say no to them it's like cutting, only they are the ones that bleed. Pain present, but let them shoulder some of it.

I took a couple of pills, but they only knocked me out for 5 hours.

If 2 knocked me out for 5 hours, will 4 knock me out for 10 hours?

I don't know what makes me go from fine to feeling suicidal in 10 seconds. I won't see my therapist for a month.

Hi Loum,

Like you, I still have to learn to say no and protect myself , specially my finances.
I have to work hard on my money issues.I recently realised that because my abuser used to give me gifts or a few coins(!) in exchange for my silence, I have never allowed myself to retain money for myself.
I made a lot of money in the past but it always disappeared in giving it to others or being unable to stop my husband from overspending in his bipolar/DID crisis.
This morning i was very unwell too when i realised he had been caught up by "free trials of video games" on Playstation;he had not realise that after 30 free days, they would charge him unless he cancelled.
I got angry at myself for not stopping him on time.I felt like hurting myself too;Sometimes, it seems it will never end but i know i am learning from my mistakes and you too, Loum.
A day at a time, you are going to allow yourself to enjoy your money and not feel guilty about it;You deserve financial security and serenity.
The pills you took are going to make you feel groggy for a while,like having drunk too much;if you feel really bad, you can phone and but you did not take a lot;
Hugs

I always had money as a child, but I don't know where it came from. I was feeling vulnerable yesterday because I had a therapy session where my therapist used hypnosis and we got pretty deep where I was a little child in my bedroom. I was processing it, which takes me awhile after therapy. I am still a little depressed today and still feel a little irrational. Thank you both for your replies.

Hey, Loum, good to hear your feelings passed somewhat. Regarding the quick flip from OK to suicidal, I have always been that way too. It would trigger from something small, like moonface was talking about, forgetting to cancel a subscription or bouncing a check. Even reacting badly to some social interaction like a store clerk. When it was really overwhelming I would tell myself that they were not worth giving the satisfaction of seeing me dead, and that instead I would just drop out of society, somehow take all my money and buy a one-way ticket to someplace warm. This was probably a stupid plan, but it made me feel like I could push back the expectation that were closing in on me.

I'm feeling much better now and thanks. I think the therapy session made me more vulnerable. We got into a very intense session of what my father did to me in bed. It takes me awhile to process something that intense.

Hi Ioum
Only just logged on and seen this. I am really glad you are feeling better - I'm not surprised you felt bad after that session.

Put very simply, your family won't stop asking for money while you keep giving it to them.

It doesn't matter where the habit came from, what matters is that it stops if it makes you unhappy.

Be especially nice to yourself over the next few days as you recover.