Incest Survivors Support Group
Incest refers to any sexual activity between closely related persons that is illegal or socially taboo. Consensual adult incest is very rare. Incest between adults and prepubescent or adolescent children is a form of child sexual abuse that has been shown to be one of the most extreme forms of childhood trauma. If you or a loved one is a survivor of incest, join the group...
Tonight is a bad night. Flashbacks, one after the other. Each one tearing me apart. Each memory of hell, each flash of reality. This is fucking killing me. It's a slow death and one I can't escape. I can't speed it up, can't slow it down. The physical pain, the mental agony. I'm losing it. I've lost everything. My family, my son, my life, Ive lost it all. I'm not living, I've never really lived. I'm just here. Here to suffer. Why the fuck did this happen. Why didn't people care back then. Why couldn't they save me. There's so much damage. Pain is all I've ever known. The numbness. The agony. It never ends! I just want to scream. I want to know the feeling of peace but that is impossible. Why couldn't my cousin just kill me? Why didn't he just kill me like he said he would? Why couldn't my father have just beaten me to death? How the hell am I still alive?! I've come so close to death but I'm always brought back. It makes me so angry!! Why can't I just die!! I feel dead. I never lived. I'm just an object... I'm just an item that people use. People just use me and use me and I have nothing left..... Please.... Why did god do this to me. Why does he hate me so much. Does he even know who I am? I doubt it. He hates me like everyone else. He made me suffer. He did this to me!!! Why? Why can't I just die. Why can't I just not exist?!?
Its not easy but life does change, things do change...
I've often asked the same questions you're asking.
Personally i'm not religious so i'm not even going to attemp to answer the God questions but IF God existed i doubt he allows all the evilness to happen..............................
There is evil people in the world and they like to prey on the innocent.
We were at the wrong place (well it was our home) but it happens there too, evil............
Not by God but by chance.Not ordained but chance...Not chosen but chance...
But it does get better.....eventually and it becomes easier to deal.
hugs.
Hang in there. It does get better, it does pass. You will come out of this into the fresh air and be able to breath again, in the meantime be kind to yourself. Others may not have been kind to you but you can be kind to yourself. You deserve it, you really do.