I've felt the relentless pressure and weight of the abuse I felt for as long as I can remember. It does not waiver. It is not kind. One day I may find myself swallowed by sadness another day I may find myself bogged down in anger. And it affects every relationship that I've ever had whether it was a friendship or romantic relationship. I am afraid to trust others, at times even with my closest friends. When the pressure is so strong I can barely stand it, that's the only time I talk about it. I am not always able to open up and when I do I usually feel shame or fear that I will somehow be seen differently. I know I shouldn't be so impatient. I understand that dealing with these things takes time but lately I'm feeling impatient. I'm tired of struggling with all of the steps of recovery.

I'm angry about what happened to me. I'm angry nobody stopped it. I'm angry I felt like I had nobody to talk to about it as a kid. I'm angry it started so early I wasn't able to understand that I shouldn't feel ashamed because I did nothing wrong (Just to clarify I'm no longer ashamed, just feel a general sadness when I'm okayand angry when I'm not).. I'm angry that because of it I've sought out relationships that weren't good for me. I'm angry that I feel alone despite the love I know that surrounds me. I'm angry that those that love me the most are no longer able to see the sadness that has somehow seeped into my being. I'm hurting. I've cried out for help in every way I know how. But all I've heard is you need to get over it and work through the pain. And I've tried. I've talked out details. Sought out help from others who have been through the same thing. I've done risky things to shake me out of feeling numb. In the wake of doing so I felt relieved that I was still able to feel but was left with horror at what I had done. I've tried forgetting, only to awake from nightmares. Also, when I try to forget, what I'm trying to forget creeps up with greater frequency between thoughts, taunting me. I close my eyes to sleep and visualize what happened to me, which prevents me from sleep. I've talked out the details with my closest confidants. Talked out general details in therapy.

I am afraid that this abuse will always affect how I live my life to some degree. I tense at shadows. I jump at out of place noises and I am afraid to put myself in a position where I am not in control. I'm hyper aware. Men that remind me of my abuser make me uncomfortable and I go out of my way to not talk to them. I'm afraid to make plans. I fight to come up with reasons to get out of bed. I know I'm not alone. Most days I deal with all of this pretty well. I write. I run. I talk. I think of positive things in my life and am comforted by them. I keep myself busy.

But some days, like today I feel particularly vulnerable to the sadness or anger. My mind becomes sinister and it wonders how things could be different if someone knew; or if I had felt strong enough to tell someone. Or if someone approached me to ask if it was happening.
Days like today none of my usual coping techniques work as well, I'm cynical to myself and others and can't seem to control my emotions. Maybe my mind is just unable to hold residual anger that I still don't completely understand how to handle.