your story is so moving. your poem has touched my heart. I am much older than you but at your age I do was afraid for all the sam reasons and more. I also didn't think or want to live very long. I can so relate. And I hope you find you can relate to what I am going to say. Nothing is as horrifing as the way you feel right now. So many or us have been there. But i learned something with my years of wisdom. I was never stronger than during the years i was abused. Sounds strange, doesn't it. For me it is a simple thruth. It takes real courage to endure the pains of abuse when it was happeining. When it ended I thought it was over What i didn't realize was my denial was that i never connected to the real damage or wounds of my abuse. When recovery came around i felt totally helpless, lost and not very coragous. Then it dawn on me. if i had the strength and courage to survive the abuse then i could use that same courage adn strength for recovery. It worked. As far as fear goes well they say fear is the beginning of wisdom.

I know that this may sournd like a lot of pie in the sky, but my message is simple. you are a couragous and person with deep personal strength and if you understand this you can over come anything


stay strong

rich

I too never thought I'd make it past eighteen. Here I am 33. I so can relate to you. There are parts of my childhood I don't remember and those I do are bad and have to do with him. I have still wished on dying, but like just another said it takes a lot of strength and courage to get this far, so hang in there. Don't pass up treatment you won't regret it. Get help now so your future does not get wasted. I speak from experience. Take care of yourself and you can friend request me or message me anytime.

Sometimes death seems easier than dealing with this-I get that feeling all of the time. You are really brave for showing them your arms and getting help for yourself. That is a huge survival instinct. You are doing the right thing.

I also believed I was time-limited; my cousin molested me physically and then when he stopped that he started telling me he would kill me before I turned 21. He died in a car wreck when I was 16, but I still believed that he had set something into motion that would end my life before I turned 21. So when I turned 20, I went apeshit into drinking, drugs and sex as I just knew I had less than one year to live. Then I turned 21. What happened? Nothing. Then I thought - maybe the "end" was just late in arriving. So drugs, drinking and sex continued for several more years before I realized "hey, he was full of crap". Then I sought help.
I am 53 now and still wonder how different my life would have been without that threat hanging over me.
You will survive - you are stronger than you know' the reason I say this is because I have lived it! You have lived through the worst part - the abuse. Now you have a future to look forward to and yes, it will be difficult at times. I understand totally about the flashbacks and not wanting to live. But for now, don't worry about all the " I have to's"; find yourself before you worry about finding a husband and such.
I like the verses at the end of your post. Very creative and expressive. The memories are there, waiting for you to be able to use them positively, my child has always existed within me, but I was damaged so badly I have had to heal awhile before I could experience him again.
I love the phrase "Embrace the potential of your future, not the pain of the past". It's been very empowering for me and has helped m deal with what I need to keep and what I need to get rid of.
Let us know how you are doing - you can see there is a lot of caring here.