They aren't stupid - just in denial. Denial is like a really really thick layer of paint or plaster that hides an ugly truth - and it hides it really well. For her, none of this happened so why shouldn't she contact you?

People in denial can know something but without really knowing it. My brothers know what my father did to me, but they are in deep denial of what it actually means. They carry on as if nothing was wrong, as if I am fine.

My aunt, having heard what I thought of her after she asked me not to tell my 40 yr old cousins what my father had done because she didn't want their good opinion of my father spoiled, continues to send me Christmas cards and looked surprised when I ignored her at a family wedding. Denial. Deep self-protective denial.

Having said that it's horrible when you're made to remember all this crap again. It maybe about them, but it affects us.

I would like to clarify that I do not think they are stupid I think the situation is stupid.I understand the dynamics of denial and how it helps to protect a person from being overwhelmed by their emotions.Where the line is drawn in the sand for me is when people in denial are confronted with the truth(and in the case of my family numerous times,all of my uncles and my brother have criminal records of child molestation and sexual assault) and refused to accept it thus putting their children in danger by allowing abusers to still be around them.This is when denial ceases to be helpful and becomes a massive vulnerability.Abusers play on that denial to reabuse their victims.

This is just me and not meant to minimize anyone else's pain. I have tried to work on myself and ignore and not spend any time worrying or thinking about anyone's problem with my past. Those in denial for sure have a problem, but that is their problem.
Again, that's just me, and not necessarily a path for everyone.
The best to you!

I come from a pretty jacked up family myself. My grandfather and all of his brothers were known pedophiles. We were warned not to ever e alone with them. I had a run in with my grandfather twice- once when I was 11 and my sister saved me in just the nick of time. Then again when I was 15. I saw myself that time. It has pretty much been taught to each girl in our family on my mothers side that we hold no value, and it was ok to do that to us. It was a "family secret" and we keep things private. As our generation grows and branches out, it is extremely empowering to see the women coming into their own. You may come from a messed up family, and they may be some sick individuals in serious denial but we don't have to let that define who we are and who we become! You hang in there and Ill pray for the stupid people!

Saved* not saw- phone:)

In my opinion, this goes way past the line of denial. If it was openly known that the uncles were doing this, and your grandmother talked your mother out of reporting, that is not denial, that is enabling and betrayal, as you said. Denial means that your grandmother did not believe it or thought it was not happening, even when there is proof of such. Your grandmother sounds more like she was of the school of "don't talk about it - it wasn't that bad" sort of thinking. My mother was the queen of denial, as she refused to believe it was happening at first. Your grandmother sounds more like she was covering up the known actions of your uncles. Is it possible she too was sexually abused? Some people think "I survived such, so will they"; not saying your uncles abused her, but perhaps someone in her past abused her and she is more worried about the "shame" the family would go through. This is not denial, this is outright betrayal. It allows the sacrifice of the welfare of the children in order to not "break the family up" or bring the police into the matter. I hope you reported your brother for his abuse against you daughter and perhaps also you. If there is any denial here, it is the denial that such acts actually harm children, but if your grandmother used guilt to stop your mother from reporting, it sounds like she was aware it occurred, but was unwilling to intervene or allow intervention. She choose the welfare of your uncles over protecting you - again, not denial, just another form of abuse.
Years ago, the family my aunt married into was riddled with molestation between father / daughter and sons / sisters. Everyone in the community knew it, but as a sign of the times - it was just accepted as this family issue and should be handled by the family; there was no Dept. of Child Services in existence yet - rarely was it "handled" correctly. Women were often told to just to "put up with it" and allow the men to do as they would, that the women would survive. This was the family my first molester, a cousin, came from
As for your sister, perhaps she thought that, even with grandma's betrayal, she is still your grandmother and you should know of your grandmother's impending death. It would give you a chance to confront her if she is in the condition where you could do such, but it sounds like she is not. And perhaps your sister and your brother have reached some sort of understanding that allows her to forgive him. She may honestly be reaching out to in you concern. But you do not have to reach back, that is your decision to make.
As for the rest of the family members, I do hope they have been reported somewhere along the way - they are rapists and rarely do they stop with just family members. Pedophilia does not stop just because you look the other way.
You have all my empathy and concern for you and your daughter - I hope you have found the support you need. "Family" are made up of people who love and protect you - I hope you have found new "family" members who will be there for you at this trying time.
All my best-
Refuse2quit

Sorry Wheezie, my post wasn't meant to be patronising. This question of denial is something I have difficulty over because I think there are so many levels of denial, so as much as anything I was talking to myself.
You can deny an event
You can accept an event, but deny some or all of its effects
You can accept an event, but deny the possibility of it happening again or to anyone else

Having said that...you can also be an absolute bastard who couldn't give a shit about anyone else.
I am often in denial about the existence of these people, tho' I think both my parents came under this category.

As I've mentioned before, my mom started to tell me about my dad's car troubles while talking to me on the phone.

I said "Mom, I have a giant grin on my face and I am visualizing stabbing him over and over."

...She mostly hasn't brought him up since. Yay!

Clear communication is such a *fine* thing...:D

@ Wheezie...I'm not sure it would be a *good* idea, but writing her back about what you REALLY think of your grandmother might be interesting...

...I imagine the words "I wouldn't take a leak on her if she were on fire," would belong in there somewhere.

It was very simialr just bizarre beahviour with my whole family...what they could not deny they acted like it was no big deal.

when i told them my father molested me they said "but he didn't rape you!"...or another sister told me "why do you tell me? that's bwtween you and my father!"....


OH god i hate them...I hear you is CRAZY MAKING....I agree about the letter i did everything to make them hear it even though they did not want to......and then i couldn't do anymore and i never heard from any of them again.

sick families...

I agree your grandmother aided and betted it...she was an acomplice.

Yup, pretty crazy making this denial stuff. Me too...my father molested me and my sisters, most likely my other brothers too. Our mother was in denial about it, although I understand she was probably overwhelmed in her life (big family) I still have no contact with her or my siblings. When I first started dealing with all the crap from everything that happened (violence, emotional ) I tried to talk with my sibs..nope..nobody would talk so I ended up having to end contact with them all. Amazing how pervasive this all is. I am so glad I got away from all the toxic and crazy making stuff. I used to think it was me, that I was 'nuts' . Nice to feel some peace now. I have my own family now; ex , daughters, grandkids and really supportive friends who have all been to me what I think a family is.
hugs to you
rick

Denial - its the easy way of dealing with life issues.......

My family still lives the same way. You are not alone.

Thanks for the support guys.I agree my grandmother was a part of the problem.She was all around not a good person.She actually stole money from me at one time. My sister on the other hand has used this tactic on me before when my father was dying.I reconnected with my family at that time only to be hurt again by them.At that time I was denial and had not remembered much of the things that had happened in my youth concerning these people.It just astounded me that my sister knowing that I am pursuing justice against all of my uncles would want me to sit in a room with them.I have no interest being around a bunch of child molesters and rapists.That is never going to happen.

I am sooo glad you have chosen your self over a family that has repeated abused you; this shows great strength and love for yourself! You may not feel strong, but you are giving off strength to others that read you posts and are still in a quandary over which way to turn. It takes a lot to re-build a family, but you show that it can be done.
Thanks for sharing your trials with us -
Steve