Incest Survivors Support Group
Incest refers to any sexual activity between closely related persons that is illegal or socially taboo. Consensual adult incest is very rare. Incest between adults and prepubescent or adolescent children is a form of child sexual abuse that has been shown to be one of the most extreme forms of childhood trauma. If you or a loved one is a survivor of incest, join the group...
Some people call them flashbacks. I call them night mares. These things that come out at me in the night and unravel my very being. A wave of emotions will wash over me and it is as if I am right there in the moment. Reliving the entire episode again. I feel the same emotions. I cry the same damn tears. I hurt with the same depth and I feel just as fractured as I did then.
So then I try to just close them out and hide away from them. But they are the monsters under the bed. When I put my feet on the floor. I just know it, something is going to grab me and pull me under. I try to fight it. I try to walk away from it. But it seems to be following me every where. I look in the mirror and I see it in the shadows. A cold hand on my shoulder, that doesn't even exist. That dark forboding something. That latched itself onto my inner being and ow will not leave me alone.
I know that sometimes I have a strange way of expressing things. But this is what it feels like to me. Like I am stuck in some black and white movie from days gone by. And the universe keeps rewinding it and playing it over and over again and again. And i don't this role any more. I don't want to be a part of this senerio.
The reality of it is, that this is me. This who i am as a result of being beaten down by people smarter and faster and more clever then myself. Being outwitted and manipulated by people i loved and trusted. At some point the movie has to end.
So then I try to just close them out and hide away from them. But they are the monsters under the bed. When I put my feet on the floor. I just know it, something is going to grab me and pull me under. I try to fight it. I try to walk away from it. But it seems to be following me every where. I look in the mirror and I see it in the shadows. A cold hand on my shoulder, that doesn't even exist. That dark forboding something. That latched itself onto my inner being and ow will not leave me alone.
I know that sometimes I have a strange way of expressing things. But this is what it feels like to me. Like I am stuck in some black and white movie from days gone by. And the universe keeps rewinding it and playing it over and over again and again. And i don't this role any more. I don't want to be a part of this senerio.
The reality of it is, that this is me. This who i am as a result of being beaten down by people smarter and faster and more clever then myself. Being outwitted and manipulated by people i loved and trusted. At some point the movie has to end.
Before my flash backs became more explicit,I used to have some kind of waves going up my body, just a fraction of a second
or later, kind of struggling with another body wrestling with me.I could never see the face of the "enemy"attacking me.
I remember checking under the bed every night before going to sleep and "inspecting" my room.
I would not let my legs out of the bed in case the monster would grab them.
I am curious to know how you made the link from the monster to your abuser(s).
In my case, I saw in a nightmare my father's name's written on a concentration camp panel.And then, it quickly erased itself.I was terrified of dying from discovering the truth.
You have done a lot of the work.Some people never realise they were abused or who did it.
Now the doors are opened for you to heal.
Around 5 yrs or so. I started to think of my abusers as the monsters under my bed. I would picture them laying under there waiting for me to fall silent and still. There were the imaginary ones all children fear. And the real ones some had to endure.
I have spent most of my life being afraid. The last 5 yrs. have been ones that have brought it all back to the surface in ways i don't know how to deal with.
I spent my child hood being beaten and molested and tricked and shamed and demoralized. Yet I spent the last 5 yrs. with a monster who out did what my parents did and caused more damage then they could have ever hoped to.
So the monster is dead and his memory is vivid. And I have had to build the wall again. And now with the night mares. I once again sit in my chair with my legs pulled up close to my body waiting for those things that have fractured me to come out from under the dark and grab ahold of me. And pull me back down with them..
What an abuser doesn't understand about thier behaviors. Is that every time they touch you they tatoo you. They leave their mark and leave their calling card inbedded in the very core of you. They don't get that thier words become the fibers of your being.
I am who I am. Because I have been molded to be this person since the day I was born. Every scar on my body and every scar in my heart. Tells a story. Lays out the format for the dreams that haunt me.
I am a grown women and i am as scared and as uncertain as i was when i was 5....i trust no one completely. I believe no one completely. I will open up to no one completely.
Some times i sit down with that 5 yr old and i tellher how sorry i am that i was not braver or smarter as a child. I tell her that i am so proud of her for surviving. And i tell her that some day i will make it all up to her. So she can stop being afraid of the monsters still lurking under her bed...