Incest Survivors Support Group
Incest refers to any sexual activity between closely related persons that is illegal or socially taboo. Consensual adult incest is very rare. Incest between adults and prepubescent or adolescent children is a form of child sexual abuse that has been shown to be one of the most extreme forms of childhood trauma. If you or a loved one is a survivor of incest, join the group...
As a Social Worker and a Psychology major I had a lot of education in the area of family relationships and (dys)functional systems as they pertain to families. I am posting this in the hopes that some will see their own family patterns here and see that they may have "roles" which they have been allotted in these relationships. I have thought about this for a while, but still it seems a little hard for me to put into a few words, so I hope some will take the time to read this as it may help some see why they take blame for things they are not responsible for or why they continue to attract the wrong partners, etc. It may be that you are still "playing the role" you were given as a child.
The System Model for viewing families is often helpful in allowing us to see our families as more the Mom, Pop and kids, but as fluid and at the same time static systems. Each character in the family has to perform their "role" in order to keep the status-quo of the family intact; and these roles often form our views of ourselves and our abilities.
I will use my family somewhat - My Mother was the eternal caregiver and the "buffer" in the family. Dad traveled with his job and he was a fun-loving person who was terribly irresponsible in many ways; although he always worked and saw his sole job in "providing" for the family. My sister was the level headed one who always made friends easiest and kept good grades, etc. I was the "weak one" as it were. I was always sick with some allergy or bronchitis, and seemed to be highly emotional. I also had ADHD and was given a LOT of attention, although not all good. Much of the attention just reinforced the idea that I was not strong and was too weak to be able to handle much.
In this system, my Dad was like the power supply - he kept our lights on and a house over our head and provided a lot of comic relief - but he also had a very hot temper and he would get rather emotional in either one of two ways - he was either happy or angry. He rarely was sad or caring, as these were not Manly emotions - he was a product of his time.
Mom was very emotional in ways, but she decided what Dad heard about the family and she was bad about telling him only the good things. She felt she could handle any of the bad things and as he was not home often she wanted his time home to be good. She acted like a "modulator" - she directed what was told and if Dad was upset, she stepped in and calmed him down - the same with myself and my sister - we all "filtered" through her.
My sister was the steady, chugging along little engine that did everything the way it was supposed to be done and just seemed to prove that our "system" was working.
I on the other hand was the damaged motor that needed a lot of repair and attention. From a very early age I remember my Mom telling me over and over how I was "fragile", "easily sickened" and "too emotional" to handle bad news. I was also told I was "bad with money" and that I needed her, or someone's assistance with about everything. But, I was very good with my hands and was called on to repair and clean things around the house. Guess what - I bought into that role very well, as did the rest of the family because the system worked from all outwards appearances.
When I told Mom that I was molested, it totally ruined her idea of how the "system" of our family had worked. She thought she had protected her children from all the terrible things that life can bring and she just had no tools to work with the fact that my cousin and uncle slid under her radar and molested me. She blamed herself, she blamed me and she blamed God in many ways.
I moved out of my parent's home when I was 26 and into a relationship with a man that was so much like my Mom it is not funny. And I did not see it for years, but when I saw it, I saw that I was still playing the role. And I was soooo tired of my "script" - I knew I could handle things better than I was credited for, and I knew that if given a chance, I could take care of myself just fine - but I had to convince everyone else. My partner would not stop playing the role - basically by that time all he did was pay the bills - I GAVE HIM MY PAYCHECK and he just deposited it and paid our bills with the money both he and I made. That was normal for me, as Dad just handed over the money to Mom who handled all the money. But, my partner no longer thought he needed to help with the house work, cooking, laundry, etc - and yet we both had full time jobs. So I had to leave and after 21 years, I was able to move out - right into a relationship with a man who was JUST LIKE MY MOM& EX-PARTNER - after a few months I woke up and said "what the hell" - then I left the new relationship to move to Indy and start all over again at 48 years old. My new relationship is unlike any I have had. I still do all the cooking, but the rest is shared - I am just a better cook.....too many years practicing perhaps. But if I ask, my partner will fix supper or whatever I ask. I have POWER in this relationship which I never have had in the past.
And guess what - I rarely EVER get sick and no longer have bronchitis - my ADHD is no longer a problem, but allows me to multi-task. And I handle my money just fine.
Now that Mom passed in February, my Dad realizes how he was never prepared to be "the only parent" - he has no idea how to take care of himself or to be there for myself or my sister; this is because Mom would not allow him to lift a finger around the house and she even set out his pills for him and as far as emotional issues - he always said "that is your mother's territory" so he never had to be concerned with others feelings.
My sister had no idea my Dad was so dependent on my Mom for the very basic things in life and that he was really very self-absorbed. Seeing Dad, without Mom to run interference and make excuses for him, has been a HUGE shock to her. As she is now the only child living in the hometown Dad is trying to use her as"Mom", in that he will not make basic decisions for his life and wants her to do so. She has already told him she will not do this and she makes him do the basic things Mom always did for him. This in turn has let Dad see how my sister is very independent and more than "daddy's little girl" - she is a devoted parent who will not be easily swayed from her opinion. He never knew this about her and he resents that she actually will not put up with his bull - instead she tells him he is capable of doing the things he wants others to do for him.
I have worked for Dad off and on since I was a child and I saw him on the road when Mom was not around - I knew him better than my sister, so none of this surprises me. I also have argued with my sister for years that Dad was not the perfect person that she thought and that Mom was not the shrew that my sister posited her as.
So - now I can see how a system fails when one person steps out of or is unable to complete their "role". I actually stepped out of mine, for the most part, years ago, but Mom would not allow me to tell anyone I was gay or that I had been molested - this way she could keep the rest of the family in the dark about the "system failure" and it allowed her to pretend that such did not happen and she did not have to swell on things.
Now my sister sees that I am no longer the "sickly little boy" that she grew up with and the fact that I can pull my own weight in being responsible and able/willing to help with Mom's final care and Dad's frailty has been a surprise to her. My Dad also sees that I am not the screw-up he has always presented me as. I am 54 and just now getting some respect from my Dad and Sister and it had to come at the cost of my mother passing in order for them to see that I was not the "frail" and "emotionally unstable" person that my "role" had presented for so many years.
The system has crashed in other words. My sister has had to see Dad as he is, thorns and all - for her, she sort of lost Mom and Dad at the same time. In a way we all did, as Dad is very depressed and dependent on anyone to do for him what he could do for himself, but has never had to do since he met Mom - but I have seen him this way for years, so it is no surprise to me.
As the "weak-link" in the initial family system, I took and was given a lot of responsibility for things that were not my fault - initially, my Mom blamed me for "allowing" my cousin and uncle to abuse me. As the one that everyone saw as the "emotional one" or "irresponsible one", if anything screwed up, I got blamed for it in one way or another. My Dad initially looked at me with blame when he found out that I was abused, as he felt that a Man would not allow such, even if I were just 8 years old. I was taught to absorb blame like a sponge, due to the role I played in our family system. But my new role does not take undue blame - I know what I have and have not done and that is ALL I am responsible for.
So - I hope this long diatribe can help others see their families in a new way and perhaps realize that their "role" in that family was perhaps written for them, without them even knowing it.
In a family that has first generation incest involved, the roles are often much more pronounced and dysfunctional - I used my family because it was so familiar and easy for me, but perhaps others can see how they need to step out of their "scripts" and live the life that makes THEM happy, regardless of how it upset the family system. It is not easy, but many family members can be "repaired" once the system is diagnosed and the malfunctioning roles are recast.
Long and probably boring, but perhaps helpful to some.
All my best - (God I hope this makes sense to someone!!!)
Refuse2quit
.
The System Model for viewing families is often helpful in allowing us to see our families as more the Mom, Pop and kids, but as fluid and at the same time static systems. Each character in the family has to perform their "role" in order to keep the status-quo of the family intact; and these roles often form our views of ourselves and our abilities.
I will use my family somewhat - My Mother was the eternal caregiver and the "buffer" in the family. Dad traveled with his job and he was a fun-loving person who was terribly irresponsible in many ways; although he always worked and saw his sole job in "providing" for the family. My sister was the level headed one who always made friends easiest and kept good grades, etc. I was the "weak one" as it were. I was always sick with some allergy or bronchitis, and seemed to be highly emotional. I also had ADHD and was given a LOT of attention, although not all good. Much of the attention just reinforced the idea that I was not strong and was too weak to be able to handle much.
In this system, my Dad was like the power supply - he kept our lights on and a house over our head and provided a lot of comic relief - but he also had a very hot temper and he would get rather emotional in either one of two ways - he was either happy or angry. He rarely was sad or caring, as these were not Manly emotions - he was a product of his time.
Mom was very emotional in ways, but she decided what Dad heard about the family and she was bad about telling him only the good things. She felt she could handle any of the bad things and as he was not home often she wanted his time home to be good. She acted like a "modulator" - she directed what was told and if Dad was upset, she stepped in and calmed him down - the same with myself and my sister - we all "filtered" through her.
My sister was the steady, chugging along little engine that did everything the way it was supposed to be done and just seemed to prove that our "system" was working.
I on the other hand was the damaged motor that needed a lot of repair and attention. From a very early age I remember my Mom telling me over and over how I was "fragile", "easily sickened" and "too emotional" to handle bad news. I was also told I was "bad with money" and that I needed her, or someone's assistance with about everything. But, I was very good with my hands and was called on to repair and clean things around the house. Guess what - I bought into that role very well, as did the rest of the family because the system worked from all outwards appearances.
When I told Mom that I was molested, it totally ruined her idea of how the "system" of our family had worked. She thought she had protected her children from all the terrible things that life can bring and she just had no tools to work with the fact that my cousin and uncle slid under her radar and molested me. She blamed herself, she blamed me and she blamed God in many ways.
I moved out of my parent's home when I was 26 and into a relationship with a man that was so much like my Mom it is not funny. And I did not see it for years, but when I saw it, I saw that I was still playing the role. And I was soooo tired of my "script" - I knew I could handle things better than I was credited for, and I knew that if given a chance, I could take care of myself just fine - but I had to convince everyone else. My partner would not stop playing the role - basically by that time all he did was pay the bills - I GAVE HIM MY PAYCHECK and he just deposited it and paid our bills with the money both he and I made. That was normal for me, as Dad just handed over the money to Mom who handled all the money. But, my partner no longer thought he needed to help with the house work, cooking, laundry, etc - and yet we both had full time jobs. So I had to leave and after 21 years, I was able to move out - right into a relationship with a man who was JUST LIKE MY MOM& EX-PARTNER - after a few months I woke up and said "what the hell" - then I left the new relationship to move to Indy and start all over again at 48 years old. My new relationship is unlike any I have had. I still do all the cooking, but the rest is shared - I am just a better cook.....too many years practicing perhaps. But if I ask, my partner will fix supper or whatever I ask. I have POWER in this relationship which I never have had in the past.
And guess what - I rarely EVER get sick and no longer have bronchitis - my ADHD is no longer a problem, but allows me to multi-task. And I handle my money just fine.
Now that Mom passed in February, my Dad realizes how he was never prepared to be "the only parent" - he has no idea how to take care of himself or to be there for myself or my sister; this is because Mom would not allow him to lift a finger around the house and she even set out his pills for him and as far as emotional issues - he always said "that is your mother's territory" so he never had to be concerned with others feelings.
My sister had no idea my Dad was so dependent on my Mom for the very basic things in life and that he was really very self-absorbed. Seeing Dad, without Mom to run interference and make excuses for him, has been a HUGE shock to her. As she is now the only child living in the hometown Dad is trying to use her as"Mom", in that he will not make basic decisions for his life and wants her to do so. She has already told him she will not do this and she makes him do the basic things Mom always did for him. This in turn has let Dad see how my sister is very independent and more than "daddy's little girl" - she is a devoted parent who will not be easily swayed from her opinion. He never knew this about her and he resents that she actually will not put up with his bull - instead she tells him he is capable of doing the things he wants others to do for him.
I have worked for Dad off and on since I was a child and I saw him on the road when Mom was not around - I knew him better than my sister, so none of this surprises me. I also have argued with my sister for years that Dad was not the perfect person that she thought and that Mom was not the shrew that my sister posited her as.
So - now I can see how a system fails when one person steps out of or is unable to complete their "role". I actually stepped out of mine, for the most part, years ago, but Mom would not allow me to tell anyone I was gay or that I had been molested - this way she could keep the rest of the family in the dark about the "system failure" and it allowed her to pretend that such did not happen and she did not have to swell on things.
Now my sister sees that I am no longer the "sickly little boy" that she grew up with and the fact that I can pull my own weight in being responsible and able/willing to help with Mom's final care and Dad's frailty has been a surprise to her. My Dad also sees that I am not the screw-up he has always presented me as. I am 54 and just now getting some respect from my Dad and Sister and it had to come at the cost of my mother passing in order for them to see that I was not the "frail" and "emotionally unstable" person that my "role" had presented for so many years.
The system has crashed in other words. My sister has had to see Dad as he is, thorns and all - for her, she sort of lost Mom and Dad at the same time. In a way we all did, as Dad is very depressed and dependent on anyone to do for him what he could do for himself, but has never had to do since he met Mom - but I have seen him this way for years, so it is no surprise to me.
As the "weak-link" in the initial family system, I took and was given a lot of responsibility for things that were not my fault - initially, my Mom blamed me for "allowing" my cousin and uncle to abuse me. As the one that everyone saw as the "emotional one" or "irresponsible one", if anything screwed up, I got blamed for it in one way or another. My Dad initially looked at me with blame when he found out that I was abused, as he felt that a Man would not allow such, even if I were just 8 years old. I was taught to absorb blame like a sponge, due to the role I played in our family system. But my new role does not take undue blame - I know what I have and have not done and that is ALL I am responsible for.
So - I hope this long diatribe can help others see their families in a new way and perhaps realize that their "role" in that family was perhaps written for them, without them even knowing it.
In a family that has first generation incest involved, the roles are often much more pronounced and dysfunctional - I used my family because it was so familiar and easy for me, but perhaps others can see how they need to step out of their "scripts" and live the life that makes THEM happy, regardless of how it upset the family system. It is not easy, but many family members can be "repaired" once the system is diagnosed and the malfunctioning roles are recast.
Long and probably boring, but perhaps helpful to some.
All my best - (God I hope this makes sense to someone!!!)
Refuse2quit
.
My family was like yours - convinced I could not take care of myself. I always knew I was doing more of the "taking care of".
I think my family is too big and too powerful to repair any relationships. I tried to get them to see I was not the person they thought I was but showing anger or fear or grief is crazy to them. That feeds into their belief that I'm crazy. Vicious cycle.
It's mind-blowing to realize how different the role my family put me in and the role I WANT to play are. I'm stepping into a new role and it's scary - but exciting. It's exceeding my expectations, so far, which makes me very grateful!
I am glad that something I wrote triggered this in you - our roles are so concrete with our families and when we want to change them. it totally upsets the system and the system no longer works for them.
I can tell you are very strong - you survived abuse and now want to help others - what a wonderful way to use what you have learned on your journey.
Repairing relationships is entirely up to you - for me, I have been able to salvage a lot of my family relationships and as I said, with my Mother's passing, the whole family dynamic was thrown into chaos. But we will survive, one way or the other. But I was not directly abused by my parents or sister - their initial disbelief soon disappeared and they had to face the truth. It was hard, but they did the best they could - again, few families are prepared for such things to happen and even fewer know how to handle such news.
Take care and know that I wish you the best of everything.
Refuse2quit
Mom treated me as if, and literally told me, I could not do anything right
My ex-wife treated me as if I could not be expected to do ANYTHING without her supervision, which she delivered with contempt.
I have a new role with girlfriendo, one I'd rather inhabit...
I am her 'good catch'...Which is SOOO cool! And she's SOOO generous of heart, just amazing...
My long-distance guy (yeah, it's 'complicated') metaphorically rode to my rescue...then I rescued him right back.
I feel of WORTH! That's it! they make me feel of worth!
My parents made me feel like a punchable nuisance.
Parents are not the end all and final word when it comes to who we are - and too often they don't really see themselves for who they are or what their actions result in.
Again, I am so glad you have a new "script" to go by - it sounds like a really good one.
Refuse2quit
there were other kids reports too, you may have seen they did conceal and it was in other places too. I mean you may know as well as me that is not normal, to attack people or have that diffuse evil sick effect in them, so I went "paedophileeeee" basically, as far as I know it is related sometimes where it is incestuous. yes its like "role play" like we have this idea of what the subject is going to do as they try to force it on you. and id said "oh no were nottttt"
so err yea...........
My sister must have been genetically predisposed to narcissism/sociopathy, and presented those personality traits at a young age. I was her major target. She became a nurse, someone who should at least have some degree of compassion. But she went on to abuse other people, including her own children.
My younger brother couldn't have fit into the "Golden Child" role any better. He's my parents' puppet, and never fully developed his individual personality or decent internal guidelines. He was in the military and then became a lawyer. He's married with children. Nice guy, right? Hardly. He's very selfish and cruel.
The hypocrisy in my family is such that my parents and siblings appear to be the exact opposite of what they really are. I'm not sure if they were even aware that they were playing roles at all.
Anyway, I played family peace-maker, protective mother to my brother, sex toy to my father, rescuer, sacrificial lamb, helpless and annoying airhead, scapegoat, and family embarrassment. Slipped into all those roles without even knowing I was in the family movie. But after I disclosed the incest, I knew for sure that my most outstanding role would be that of my family's worst enemy. That's the most legitimate role of all, and showed them the "real me". Talk about collapsing the whole dysfunctional structure!! All hell broke loose because I said what everyone already knew.
Thanks for bringing up this important topic Refuse2quit :-)
The family as a system is an interesting concept. Its like a mobile and if one person steps out of their role the mobile swings out of control. The rest of the family will use tremendous energy trying to keep the system going and try to pull the person in recovery back in.
Slowly I started to change the roles I played they didnt like it. I asked my mother if she would like to go to my therapist with me and her answer was NO, I dont need to see someone like that! If Id broken my leg or something and asked her to accompany me to an appointment shed have had no hesitation in coming with me! Funny that. She knew I was suffering from clinical depression. A much more appropriate response from her would have been if it would be helpful to you, then I will come with you.
My mother found it very threatening that I was standing up for myself, seeing a therapist and not getting hooked into the games that went on all the time all aimed at not making my father responsible for his behaviour and attitudes.
We are also an incest family quite common amongst alcoholic families. My father was sexually abusive with really inappropriate comments I remember going into the hotel he ran to see him about something and he said to me, in front of all his mates at the bar, have a gin, its a leg opener ..... charming I used to steer well clear of him as much as possible. He was a cold, ignorant man. We were expected to pander to him all the time. Most contact with him, for me, was like a slap in the face. He only spoke to me when he had to and mostly ignored me or gave me a look as if to say youre an idiot, what do you know.
I could say my parents drove me away, and then my mother was really anonoyed with me that I wouldnt go back, but Id made up my mind I wasnt going to be controlled any more.
As my parents got older and frailer my older sister had to look after them, to an extent, and boy did she get mad with me! She was family hero not caretaker she didnt like it at all that I wasnt doing my job I did live several hundred kilometres away from them then. I always kept in contact with them and Im sure my mother missed me a lot when I wasnt there to take her all over the place in my car. I then had to get used to not playing my role!
My father treated my mother like shit but would redeem himself and buy her some grapes so she would say Hes not so bad - look he bought me grapes. She would say to me my only crime is that Im still breathing there were lots of arguments bringing up the past same old crap. We were NOT to confront him.
It is double trouble being brought up in an alcoholic and incest family its taken me years to try and come to terms with the myriad ways I have been affected. Im still working at it! I am still the only member of my family who is in recovery. I lost all of my family of origin including nieces and nephews.
Thank you Refuse2quit for posting on this subject.