Incest Survivors Support Group
Incest refers to any sexual activity between closely related persons that is illegal or socially taboo. Consensual adult incest is very rare. Incest between adults and prepubescent or adolescent children is a form of child sexual abuse that has been shown to be one of the most extreme forms of childhood trauma. If you or a loved one is a survivor of incest, join the group...
I'm trying hard to make sense of everything. I'm at my third attempt at counseling. I feel like I need to be emotionally stable before I go forward with pressing charges. One of the main things I'm struggling with is guilt because of religion but not how you might think.
When I was younger I was so angry. I demanded that God stop the abuse when it was happening and to keep it from happening to anyone else. My brother, my abuser was in a car accident that nearly killed him and left him disabled for the rest of his life. He'll never be able to have kids or have sex. I have so many mixed feelings. Happy he cant hurt anyone else. Overwhelming guilt because he was straightening up his life and on a path to make up for some of his wrongs he committed in his past. Since his accident he's unable to work and hanging out with his old friends who he used to use drugs with, etc. I'm pretty sure he's back on drugs which makes me afraid because it means his moods are unstable. I feel responsible because I prayed for him to be harmed for years.
I also demanded to God that I did not want to alone. I've written about it here before but I found out with the last couple of months that the sexual abuse probably happened to my little brother too. I'm about 90% sure it happened to my little brother too. Again I feel responsible and guilty because I never said anything. If I had said something before, I could have stopped it. I also feel like because I asked to not be alone, I'm not, and I feel responsible in that sense.
As empowering as pressing charges will be (and terrifying) it almost feels hollow now. Feels hollow in the sense someone else got hurt because of my lack of action. Also feels hollow because my brother can't physically hurt anyone the way he hurt my little brother and I. On one hand I feel like disability was punishment enough, that nothing the law can do is punishment as severe as never being able to work or have sex again. On the other hand I feel like if something were to happen to anyone else I wouldn't be able to live with myself. On the other hand, while I can press charges up to another two years, I have no evidence and my little brother would be unwilling to testify. I don't think I'd win in court. It's my word against his and so many years have passed.
I keep wrestling with myself about what all to do. All of this is on my mind almost constantly and it's hard to concentrate. Thanksgiving is coming up and this is the first year I'm dreading going. All I want is peace inside my head, not the constant struggle of:
am I responsible/no it was out of your control; or
do I press charges/don't be a coward of course you are.
Anyone else gone through or experiencing anything similar?
When I was younger I was so angry. I demanded that God stop the abuse when it was happening and to keep it from happening to anyone else. My brother, my abuser was in a car accident that nearly killed him and left him disabled for the rest of his life. He'll never be able to have kids or have sex. I have so many mixed feelings. Happy he cant hurt anyone else. Overwhelming guilt because he was straightening up his life and on a path to make up for some of his wrongs he committed in his past. Since his accident he's unable to work and hanging out with his old friends who he used to use drugs with, etc. I'm pretty sure he's back on drugs which makes me afraid because it means his moods are unstable. I feel responsible because I prayed for him to be harmed for years.
I also demanded to God that I did not want to alone. I've written about it here before but I found out with the last couple of months that the sexual abuse probably happened to my little brother too. I'm about 90% sure it happened to my little brother too. Again I feel responsible and guilty because I never said anything. If I had said something before, I could have stopped it. I also feel like because I asked to not be alone, I'm not, and I feel responsible in that sense.
As empowering as pressing charges will be (and terrifying) it almost feels hollow now. Feels hollow in the sense someone else got hurt because of my lack of action. Also feels hollow because my brother can't physically hurt anyone the way he hurt my little brother and I. On one hand I feel like disability was punishment enough, that nothing the law can do is punishment as severe as never being able to work or have sex again. On the other hand I feel like if something were to happen to anyone else I wouldn't be able to live with myself. On the other hand, while I can press charges up to another two years, I have no evidence and my little brother would be unwilling to testify. I don't think I'd win in court. It's my word against his and so many years have passed.
I keep wrestling with myself about what all to do. All of this is on my mind almost constantly and it's hard to concentrate. Thanksgiving is coming up and this is the first year I'm dreading going. All I want is peace inside my head, not the constant struggle of:
am I responsible/no it was out of your control; or
do I press charges/don't be a coward of course you are.
Anyone else gone through or experiencing anything similar?
Also i wanted to say that i don't think think the accident was the worst thing that could have happened to your brother. Maybe being disabled will give him the space to confront spiritual realities.
Are you so powerful that you can make God do something?
As to pressing charges - your brother deserves it, but see how you feel. Get stable and then decide. Take your time and be kind to yourself. It is often easier to feel responsible for things because to recognise we are not in control can be truly terrifying.
Hugs
With the help of my therapists, i later realised that I had projected the guilt I had because of the incest on myself;The same with one of my brothers who is now paralised after I talked, he had an attack of the central nervous system and was in the coma for 6 months.he is now dying.He abused me too.
This has nothing to do with religion.I consider it was my duty to talk and reveal their crimes.My complaint was too late administratively but it established the truth for further generations.
Also, it is a big mistake that only potent people can abuse others.There are many ways for pedophiles to act out;one always forgets this.
I was so little and I wuld pray for it to end and I graduated to begging for God to help it stop. I believed that night the voice and image I saw telling the devil "you will not take this child". I really believed I would be spared any more pain. I was so wrong.
I mangaed to keep a good portion of my faith despite the hell I went thorugh. Now at 45 I have little belief in God and I relish the day my bastard brother and his supporters die. I have no guilt about my feelings.
Once in a blue moon I look up and shrug or shake my head as if there is a God. It's the nature of the beast. If I pass before the the bastard I will wait for him at the gates of hell.... If God wants him so be it. I will not walk through knowing these animals can sit and break bread with those they have harmed.
Abusers whether in a whole body or in a chair are still abusers in my mind. I would think your conflict is more about you being a good person trying to find some balance and peace. It's about what you can live rest with.
Follow your heart and your gut. You don't owe anyone a thing but you owe yourself everything.
Conflicted? Yes but I am responsible for myself at this point and I can live with that. Best to you.
I can relate to what you all have wrtten, especially Banshee. I also went through this process of bargaining with God as my abuse unfolded. I went from praying that the abuse would end to simply praying that I would not orgasm from the things done to me, which for me was the worst part. Since I am male and was in puberty, I could not hide my orgasm. This was the greatest shame since my perp said I wanted it and it felt good etc.
Also religion was mixed up in my abuse. "Praying" was a synonym for giving oral sex. My perp retained her religiosity and some of her frineds from church also abused me.
When I look around I see so many different versions of who religious people think God is and what he thinks, they can't all be right.
For me God is Love, Love is God - and true love never makes the other person feel bad.