Hello Loum,
I am very sorry you have been in pain recently.
For me too, spirituality is the answer and has always been.Even in my darkest hours, I have always felt protected and ,although I had to face horrible things, like all of us on this board, amazing beautiful things have also manifested.
My prayers have always been answered and I have learned to let go.it has been very difficult for me.
I realised incest had also damaged me spiritually.
One of my perpetrators was my uncle, a Protestant Scout Guide so for a long time, I had issues with religion.
Also, as a child, I used to put the Bible by my bedroom table to prevent my father from entering it.I deducted, in my child's mind, that my father was more powerful than "God"
I lost faith in God;I thought my deep depression and maletre came from existential problems, as my family would make me believe.
I started searching for the meaning of life everywhere on this planet, every philosophy book and spirituality.
I finally found a religion which fitted me.
I had a big issue with trust, as normal so I examined very closely spiritual teachers before I could find one.
My teacher does not play guru, does not charge any money, is not sectarian of any schoolHe has taught me the meaning of compassion and Bodhicitta,
As a survivor himself, He has shown me it is possible to heal from abuse and PTSD.I needed that role figure to restore my faith in humanity.
Twelve steps groups have encouraged me to find inside myself that healing power that moves mountains.
In the Bible, it is called the power of the meak.
in Quantum physics, it is called weak strength,, a powerful subtle vibration which can lift mountains without having to overcome them.
The power of survivors , like all of us.
I keep saying that my " spiritual body guards"have never let me down., even in my darkest hour.
You guys are a living proof of it.
I still do not understand how I found this board.It seems to me I have known you for ages.
Loum, you have inspired me so much and help me so much with your esperience.
As usual, I thought me and my husband must be the freakest of freaks, being both survivors and with stories beyond speakable.
On this board, I am transforming into a lotus.
Every day, if I am more aware, I can see plenty of evidence of a higher power, whatever name we want to name it, at work, radiating love and luminosity.
May beautiful rainbows shine on us all.We deserve them.
Thank you for your post, loum.

I think this post is really beautiful. One of the things that makes me feel safe is knowing that I have a connection to God (I do choose to call my spiritual connection God) There are many times when I call my synagogues and get permission to go there and just sit alone in the sanctuary and pray by myself when no one else is there. It feels safe and it helps me feel connected in a way that is hard to explain. Prayer helps me a lot. Thanks for writing this.

Lou, I've missed your posts! I'm glad you posted this. ((warm hugs))

I was never a religious person at all until I learned it didn't have to be the way it was dictated to me growing up. When I learned there were other ways to have faith and other ways to believe, it opened up a whole new world for me.

My beliefs are very similar to yours; I don't fit in any one category; my BF and I say we're spiritual cherry-pickers. We take what works for us and toss the rest :)

I asked my therapist the other day, "What is my 'core self'" and she responded thoughtfully, "It's the part that's caring, compassionate, calm, peaceful..."

I remember most feeling this way when I, like you, realize I am connected to the Universe. I do believe this is an exceptionally healing experience. This happens for me a lot when I am gardening and I have my hands in the soil. I have a deep reverence for nature and the interconnectedness of all things, as well as the inherent good and benevolence in all of nature. It gives me great peace.

Some might call me a Pagan, some a Buddhist. I still like the term 'cherry picker' :)

Thanks for posting this.

loum50,

Prayers were said at each meal and we knelt down every night to say our bedtime prayers..."Now I lay me down to sleep I pray the Lord my soul to keep. If..." And mixed in with this ritual of denial was the on-going abuse.

I grew up in a Pentecostal church and lived with my grandparents who were both street preachers. My grandfather sat down every night with a cup of tea and his Bible--while no more than 9 feet away a cousin was abusing us.

I tried for 25 years to find solace in the church but it made no sense to me. How could God allow such travesty in his name? It was then I began my search.

Oh, I didn't know what I was searching for, I only knew that in spite of my childhood there was still some part of me that longed for connection to something bigger than my small, wounded world.

That connection came about in a used bookstore in New Paltz, NY. I was visiting my husband and we decided to check out the old bookstore on the corner. We were looking at the stacks and he pulled a book from the top of a eight foot bookcase, (a book I would never have seen, the bookcase being too high for me) handed it to me and said, "Here, this is for you." The book was written by Robert Monroe who founded the Monroe Institute in Virginia.

How my husband knew I'll never know because in many ways he is a man whose feet are nailed to the ground!

But, I bought the book and took it home to read. It was dead winter in NY and I had all the windows closed to keep the heat in. I sat down to read and was almost to the end of the book trying to decide if I should check Monroe Institute out when the venetian blinds began to rattle.

Not lightly, but loudly. It startled me. I was alone. I looked to see if the heat had switched on but it had not, even if it had there was no heat vent under the blinds that were rattling. Sign? I don't know.

I do know when I got back to AZ I called the Monroe Institute and applied for a scholarship to attend the week-long course. I got the scholarship and found myself in VA.

It was there that I met my Spirit-Guides. It was there that I found that connection I'd been seeking for so many years. It was there that I discovered the energy that lives in all things--animate and inanimate.

and in in the middle of these gracious discoveries was the wounded child who had more healing work to do. Only now, Spirit put me down and took my hand.

I am forever grateful.

Thank you for this post.

xx
SuzA

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Hello.

I read this post and feel compelled to add my two cents.

Aside from incest, rape, verbal, physical and psychological abuse, I am also a survivor of spiritual abuse. So finding healthy and true spirituality without associating it with the traumatic events that took place in my childhood "in the name of God", has been quite a challenging journey.

What I found that is that my spirituality can be summarized in this simple two-word sentence: "What matters?"

Every time that I need that deep connection with the rest of the universe, all I do is look and concentrate in the things, events and beings that matter, and the rest seems so menial.

I don't have a belief, or a church or a system in place; I just recognize and get in touch with that aspect of my life by listening to my soul, feeling, experiencing and be compassionate.

It really comes from the inside out.

What a moving post.

I too often shy away from really sharing what i would like to say. So thank you for sharing this piece. I was raised in a pentacostal home. My parents were 'Pastors'. We prayed night and day, had bible studies everyday 2 times a day. Very rigid. We were not allowed t.v., music or outside influences in our home. We did attend school but my Dad would over look what we've been taught.
there was alot of confusing, cuz my parents would preach about love and how all was peachy at our home. But we were being abused, spiritual, physically, mentally and sexually.
When i run away from home at age 12 i swore i would never need anyone. I did just that for many years. took care of myself. I was very scared, avoided everything, and just kept to myself for a very long time.
It was during one of the times i've runaway from life again...took off to B.C. and sat around watching the mountains, enjoying the ocean. I broke down and talked with 'God' the god that i was raised with, taught and told him exactly how I felt. I must of been in the wilderness there for about 2 weeks....just being...listening...wanting to be free of pain. I heard or I felt i heard the response of 'god'. and i felt a shower over of love. It overwhelmed me...i didnt feel so alone anymore. I came home then back to Manitoba and since then I know that whom ever God is loves me too! and he loves all of us.
I was not only molested by my brothers, but also sexually abused by clergy while in school. thats a whole different topic.
I really enjoyed what you had to share here, thanks for opening it up for me (us) thank you....

I want to thank everyone for responding with what your spirituality is. It really helps me to know that.

Thank you everyone for your comments on this. I do not feel able to contribute because the subject is too personal for me to be open about it, but I hugely appreciate being able to read the contributions that have been made.

I am very sorry for your pain....I have found whats works for me is God or HP..........I know he will help me through whatever i need to deal with...It is hard but it is so worth it.....I was giving birth to a new person, and birthing pains always are painful....