What my abusers did to me wasn't my fault. I know that and believe it in my head, but I was a little kid and I internalized it. This led to the huge amount of self hate I've had all my life. Internally I always believed it was my fault, my father told me it was. Trying to change those internal beliefs is not easy, but slowly that is changing. It's a fragile thing right now and I feel very vulnerable letting those inner beliefs change. As long as it was my fault and I was bad I didn't have to believe my father was a monster. I can't describe how wonderful it feels to be starting to internalize this change. I tried so hard to be good and not to get him mad, but no matter how good I was he always found something I did wrong. Now I am starting to honestly believe that he was the one that was wrong and I was an innocent little kid. That is so hard to internalize. It's happening slowly and the self hate is diminishing.