Incest Survivors Support Group
Incest refers to any sexual activity between closely related persons that is illegal or socially taboo. Consensual adult incest is very rare. Incest between adults and prepubescent or adolescent children is a form of child sexual abuse that has been shown to be one of the most extreme forms of childhood trauma. If you or a loved one is a survivor of incest, join the group...
I'm here because I can't afford counseling as a college student and I have literally exhausted every resource that I have available to me for help. I'm not really expecting a lot of answers, but any insights or suggestions would be appreciated.
The reason I think I have PSTD is because I am a victim of sexual abuse and rape in my childhood. My earliest memory is being touched by an older brother against my will, I can't say for sure, but I believe I was 4 years old at the time because it was right before I started elementary school. It eventually led to me being raped, which started when I was 9 and stopped when I was 12 years old. The last time it happened was violent and it sounds crazy to me, but it still affects my life in cycles it seems like.
My life will be going relatively normal, where this bothers me at a tolerable level that I can deal with until seemingly small things trigger flashbacks of me being dragged up my brothers stairs and I can almost feel my clothes forcibly removed from me all over again. I zone out, and its like everything that is going on stops, and I feel like I am there all over again. Im being beaten again and again as hard as he can hit me in my stomach, until I am beyond winded and I stop resisting, and just let him rape me. I detach from all of my relationships and just feel an intense need to be alone.
From what I've read my symptoms sound like a dissociative state of mind. Does that sound accurate to anyone? I feel a little crazy when I try to describe what it feels like when I re-live a memory and I feel better when I attach a solid name to some of the things that I feel. Anyone that tries to reach out to be there for me, I genuinely do appreciate, but I can't help but feel anger towards anyone and everyone. Up until recently I've been very good at dealing with my anger, and not directing it towards other people but lately I feel like I don't have any control over it. Any suggestions on trying to deal with my anger would be much appreciated.
Ive tried talking to everyone.
I talked to my parents, who both told me in their own ways that they would rather me not seek counseling, and think I should do my best to move on.
Instead of my mom listening, which is what I want, she tries to turn it into a conversation about something else. Like how common incest is, and how Im not alone, and what books I should read to help me cope, but assures me if Id like to talk about it with her I can. Which, I dont believe, because every time I broach the subject, it turns into a conversation about something else, instead of about me, and how I feel, and how I just need to be heard by my mother. Id love to talk to her about this, but its so frustrating, because it is her personality to not listen, but to instead hear the first few sentences of what I have to say, interrupt me, and assume I want to hear about what she has to say, which would be fine in any other circumstance of my relationship with her, but when it comes to this topic I just want to talk and be heard.
My dad told me that he wanted me to move on because continuing to think about these things will poison my mind. When I told him that I wasnt intentionally trying to think about these things, Im having nightmares, at least two or three every month, or that random things trigger flashbacks. He told me if I really needed counseling, he would support me, but to keep in mind that some people that go into therapy become dependant on it, and see therapists for the rest of their life. He told me that if I needed to talk, he would rather me talk to my mother, because when i talk to him about such things, it makes him want to kill my brother for hurting me, and he didnt want to feel that way. But I can't afford therapy, so I'm really feeling like I'm at a loss.
Everyone I've talked to keeps telling me to move on, and I am honestly trying. Everything I've read keeps telling me to work through the memories, and not push them back into the recesses of my mind to help. And I'm trying... I've worked through a lot of memories that I could only remember pieces of and I think my memories of most of the encounters are complete. Thats all I know to help. Aside from not ever coming home, or not attending family functions ever again, I'd really like to come to peace. I still am angry that this has happened to me. I haven't quite worked through the anger, I'm not sure how, or if I ever will.
I have a short temper when ever I am home and it is starting to leech into how I feel at school because there a lot of stress at home because of other factors in my life, but also because my older brother has a tendency to show up at our house unannounced. I have a lot of anxiety about relationships. There are times when I feel physically sick when my boyfriend hugs me, or when he kisses me, etc. I also have a lot of anxiety, and occassionally I do have panic attacks. I freak out everytime before my brother comes to the house and think of the worst thing that could possibly happen while he was still there to prepare myself for if something were to happen.
I still see my brother a great deal because he is always here most weekends and for almost every one of our family functions. Either I avoid going home, which I refuse to do because I shouldn't be afraid or anxious to be in my own home, or I just continue this weird cycle of triggers, fear, anxiety, and anger that I'm caught in.
In the past he abused drugs which I don't think it was why the rape happened, but I think it did contribute to the situation, and why he became more and more violent. During the time he abused drugs he lost the trust of our family. He has since recovered from his drug use, and because of that, I'd like to confront him about what he did to me but he is not 100% mentally stable, he is very much prone to outbursts of anger, where he still tries to hurt my little brother and I.
He still tries to have power over me, or any relationships I have. Anytime he has met one of my boyfriends, he buddies up with them, and tries to have him bully me as some sort of messed up power play. Thats not me being jealous that by boyfriend and brother get along... All throughout my childhood my brother would play my dad against my mother, who was his step mother. Just minor things, but he would manipulate one parent against the other to try and get his way. He would also do the same thing with my little brother and I.
So because of his temperament I think I have a really good reason to be afraid of confrontation, but I'm tired of being afraid. I don't know why my feelings of anxiety are getting worse, but I think it has something to do with being silent for so long (I just told both of my parents what happened within the past year).
Does anyone have any advice for coping with rape that happened so far back in the past? Or methods to help cope with anger? I'm not really expecting a lot of answers, but any insights or suggestions would be appreciated. So far, the only reliable person I can talk to about this is my boyfriend, but I don't want to burden him by talking about these things with him. I have cycles where I genuinely do feel better, but a few weeks some other trigger just comes along and I go through the same cycle of fear, anxiety, and anger all over again.
I'm sorry this is so long, but I have one other thing to ask... I have a lot of stress ors in my life, I'm very involved on campus, I recently became a senior and I'm about to graduate. I'm in two stressful leadership positions in school and I travel a lot as a part of being a manager with an athletic team. Does stress seem to play a role in making other people's fears, anxiety, and anger worse? Should I give up one or maybe even all of the extra things that I'm doing at school? I feel really conflicted about it because it was the activities I'm involved in now that convinced me to seek out help. I have so much support and built many friendships because of the activities I'm involved in and feel like incest has taken away so much of my time and energy in my life and I don't want to sacrifice anything else in my life to deal with incest. Am I being irrational, or should I give up one or more of these stressors in my life?
The reason I think I have PSTD is because I am a victim of sexual abuse and rape in my childhood. My earliest memory is being touched by an older brother against my will, I can't say for sure, but I believe I was 4 years old at the time because it was right before I started elementary school. It eventually led to me being raped, which started when I was 9 and stopped when I was 12 years old. The last time it happened was violent and it sounds crazy to me, but it still affects my life in cycles it seems like.
My life will be going relatively normal, where this bothers me at a tolerable level that I can deal with until seemingly small things trigger flashbacks of me being dragged up my brothers stairs and I can almost feel my clothes forcibly removed from me all over again. I zone out, and its like everything that is going on stops, and I feel like I am there all over again. Im being beaten again and again as hard as he can hit me in my stomach, until I am beyond winded and I stop resisting, and just let him rape me. I detach from all of my relationships and just feel an intense need to be alone.
From what I've read my symptoms sound like a dissociative state of mind. Does that sound accurate to anyone? I feel a little crazy when I try to describe what it feels like when I re-live a memory and I feel better when I attach a solid name to some of the things that I feel. Anyone that tries to reach out to be there for me, I genuinely do appreciate, but I can't help but feel anger towards anyone and everyone. Up until recently I've been very good at dealing with my anger, and not directing it towards other people but lately I feel like I don't have any control over it. Any suggestions on trying to deal with my anger would be much appreciated.
Ive tried talking to everyone.
I talked to my parents, who both told me in their own ways that they would rather me not seek counseling, and think I should do my best to move on.
Instead of my mom listening, which is what I want, she tries to turn it into a conversation about something else. Like how common incest is, and how Im not alone, and what books I should read to help me cope, but assures me if Id like to talk about it with her I can. Which, I dont believe, because every time I broach the subject, it turns into a conversation about something else, instead of about me, and how I feel, and how I just need to be heard by my mother. Id love to talk to her about this, but its so frustrating, because it is her personality to not listen, but to instead hear the first few sentences of what I have to say, interrupt me, and assume I want to hear about what she has to say, which would be fine in any other circumstance of my relationship with her, but when it comes to this topic I just want to talk and be heard.
My dad told me that he wanted me to move on because continuing to think about these things will poison my mind. When I told him that I wasnt intentionally trying to think about these things, Im having nightmares, at least two or three every month, or that random things trigger flashbacks. He told me if I really needed counseling, he would support me, but to keep in mind that some people that go into therapy become dependant on it, and see therapists for the rest of their life. He told me that if I needed to talk, he would rather me talk to my mother, because when i talk to him about such things, it makes him want to kill my brother for hurting me, and he didnt want to feel that way. But I can't afford therapy, so I'm really feeling like I'm at a loss.
Everyone I've talked to keeps telling me to move on, and I am honestly trying. Everything I've read keeps telling me to work through the memories, and not push them back into the recesses of my mind to help. And I'm trying... I've worked through a lot of memories that I could only remember pieces of and I think my memories of most of the encounters are complete. Thats all I know to help. Aside from not ever coming home, or not attending family functions ever again, I'd really like to come to peace. I still am angry that this has happened to me. I haven't quite worked through the anger, I'm not sure how, or if I ever will.
I have a short temper when ever I am home and it is starting to leech into how I feel at school because there a lot of stress at home because of other factors in my life, but also because my older brother has a tendency to show up at our house unannounced. I have a lot of anxiety about relationships. There are times when I feel physically sick when my boyfriend hugs me, or when he kisses me, etc. I also have a lot of anxiety, and occassionally I do have panic attacks. I freak out everytime before my brother comes to the house and think of the worst thing that could possibly happen while he was still there to prepare myself for if something were to happen.
I still see my brother a great deal because he is always here most weekends and for almost every one of our family functions. Either I avoid going home, which I refuse to do because I shouldn't be afraid or anxious to be in my own home, or I just continue this weird cycle of triggers, fear, anxiety, and anger that I'm caught in.
In the past he abused drugs which I don't think it was why the rape happened, but I think it did contribute to the situation, and why he became more and more violent. During the time he abused drugs he lost the trust of our family. He has since recovered from his drug use, and because of that, I'd like to confront him about what he did to me but he is not 100% mentally stable, he is very much prone to outbursts of anger, where he still tries to hurt my little brother and I.
He still tries to have power over me, or any relationships I have. Anytime he has met one of my boyfriends, he buddies up with them, and tries to have him bully me as some sort of messed up power play. Thats not me being jealous that by boyfriend and brother get along... All throughout my childhood my brother would play my dad against my mother, who was his step mother. Just minor things, but he would manipulate one parent against the other to try and get his way. He would also do the same thing with my little brother and I.
So because of his temperament I think I have a really good reason to be afraid of confrontation, but I'm tired of being afraid. I don't know why my feelings of anxiety are getting worse, but I think it has something to do with being silent for so long (I just told both of my parents what happened within the past year).
Does anyone have any advice for coping with rape that happened so far back in the past? Or methods to help cope with anger? I'm not really expecting a lot of answers, but any insights or suggestions would be appreciated. So far, the only reliable person I can talk to about this is my boyfriend, but I don't want to burden him by talking about these things with him. I have cycles where I genuinely do feel better, but a few weeks some other trigger just comes along and I go through the same cycle of fear, anxiety, and anger all over again.
I'm sorry this is so long, but I have one other thing to ask... I have a lot of stress ors in my life, I'm very involved on campus, I recently became a senior and I'm about to graduate. I'm in two stressful leadership positions in school and I travel a lot as a part of being a manager with an athletic team. Does stress seem to play a role in making other people's fears, anxiety, and anger worse? Should I give up one or maybe even all of the extra things that I'm doing at school? I feel really conflicted about it because it was the activities I'm involved in now that convinced me to seek out help. I have so much support and built many friendships because of the activities I'm involved in and feel like incest has taken away so much of my time and energy in my life and I don't want to sacrifice anything else in my life to deal with incest. Am I being irrational, or should I give up one or more of these stressors in my life?
By the way stay the hell away from your brother. He is the abuser and you are the victim. And just so you know we are always here. If you need to talk to someone you can email me anytime. mackfamily11@yahoo.com. My name is Christine. I was raped by my older brother (he's a drug addict too). My family isn't supportive of me either. Thankfully I have a loving husband who understands (he is a Sheriff). I think you need to distance yourself from your family if they allow a pedophile in their family home. Think of this...if you had a child would you allow her to be around your brother? I bet your answer is no. You shouldn't be around him. Never.
Counseling, I agree, would be very helpful. Explore the options, talk to seeral if possible. Having a therapist who both works well with you and is experienced with incest survivors can speed up this journey so much.
About your mom - I don't know the situation, but if your brother raped you, there's a pretty good chance that your mom may not be 100% healthy (I guess no one really is 100% anyway, but . . . ). I don't mean to attack your parents at all, it's just that families with abuse in them tend to have certain traits and, often, those traits include not really wanting to face the whole truth. It's hard to face. You are doing wonderful just by writing all of this out and admitting that you were hurt and are still being affected by it. That takes a lot of guts, seriously. Your parents may not want to admit that - they may want to pretend it's something you should be able to just get over or keep within the family. The healthy reactions and support that you need from your family may simply not be something you can get. If that's the case, I'm sorry and I know it does make it a lot harder. It doesn't mean you can't go through this journey without them. Friends, a therapist, support like from DS and other sources can be a huge help. I agree that your parents shouldn't be putting you around your brother. They should be listening and encouraging you to see a counselor. What your describing is not good for you. I agree with Christine that you may need to back off from them a bit.
Rape, as you probably know very well, is about power, not sex. Your brother is probably very emotionally unstable. I agree completely that you should not be around him. Take care of yourself. You probably have never been really taken care of like you should have been. Now that you are older, you can be protecting and respectful to yourself. Have enough self-respect and self-care to stay away from your brother.
Actually, as I'm reading this through the theme of needing to take care of yourself really just keeps standing out to me. Unfortunately, you went through and are still going through some rough stuff here. You need protection, patience, guidance and support - or at least that's what people in your shoes would generally need. You need the protection of being kept away from this still abusive relationship with your brother. You need suppport and guidance from a counselor. You need patience for yourself - you may have to take it easy sometimes and may not be able to handle a ton of stress at times. That's ok, but please give yourself whatever you need to heal.
I hope that makes sense.
It sounds like you have enough book recommendations, but I'll mention this just in case - Mending the Soul is a very good abuse recovery book. It is a Christian based book, which I believe makes it a thousand times more usefull. However, it has stuff in it that is wonderful with or without the Christian perspective. It discusses family dynamics in abusive families (I'm not saying your parents are abusive, but they are at least being an active part of an abusive family by not protecting you). The example it gives while discussing traits of an abusive family is one in which the older brother rapes his sister - so it may be even more directly applicable to you than it was to me (my father was my abuser). It sells pretty cheaply on Amazon if you're interested.
One final thing - I have to state a slight difference in opinion with Christine's response. I'm not a fan of medication unless it's really necessary. Sometimes it is needed and in those cases, I'm all for it - but hopefully only temporarily. I feel like a lot of doctors are pill-happy lately and they constantly prescribe things that aren't really needed. I would be hesitant to take anything and try other forms of treatment first. Most of what you feel can be worked through, I believe. If it can be dealt with, I prefer to deal with it rather than cover it up. That said, if you're harming yourself or others, or if you ever think suicidally, then by all means, please don't be too hesitant. It's a balance, that's all.
Take care & God bless.
Symptoms:
- Difficulties regulating emotions, including symptoms such as persistent sadness, suicidal thoughts, explosive anger, or covert anger
- Variations in consciousness, such as forgetting traumatic events, reliving traumatic events, or having episodes of dissociation (during which one feels detached from one's mental processes or body)
- Changes in self-perception, such as a sense of helplessness, shame, guilt, stigma, and a sense of being completely different from other human beings
-Varied changes in the perception of the perpetrator, such as attributing total power to the perpetrator or becoming preoccupied with the relationship to the perpetrator, including a preoccupation with revenge
-Alterations in relations with others, including isolation, distrust, or a repeated search for a rescuer
-Loss of, or changes in, one's system of meanings, which may include a loss of sustaining faith or a sense of hopelessness and despair
Talking about it and posting here means you are on your way to recovery. I had it best described as moving the experience from one part of your brain (survival part or reptile part) to the other. The human brain does this with language.
Your parents do not get it. They should not be trying to help you. They can't help you. They are part of the problem.
Normal stress brought on by college obligations and having a family that doesn't support you can be very detrimental to a PTSD person seeking help.
You are doing the right thing by sharing your story and opening up to the cold truth in your life. No one can advise you what you need to do for you, but counseling and therapy does work when you are ready to talk.
In a situation of abuse like this, it's easier for some family members to keep it quiet and sweep it under a rug, so to speak, than to talk about the truth of the abuse that has went on.
I am so sorry to hear of your abuse. You are not alone. You need friends to support you through this. It is hard for family members to accept the facts and sometimes, for a victim; it is easier just to stay away from the family that inflicts pain.
I do wish you courage, strength and truth of your soul to find the healing that you need. I am pro-advocate of therapy.
For me personally, I found by removing the lying thorns from my side that I knew in my family was the best thing that I ever did.
I couldn't be true to myself and be true to them too. It was my biological dad who molested me not once, but twice as a child.
Reading books will help you to understand what your body and mind are going through. The library is the best place to find them for free. Educate yourself on what works for you. You will never get acceptance from your family if they can't face and handle the truth of your abuse.
I would encourage you to see what is available through your school in terms of counseling. That might be your most affordable option. At the very least, you should be able to get some referrals for low-cost therapy.
Someone mentioned the book "Trauma and Recovery". That is an excellent book to read. I would also recommend "Resurrection After Rape" by Matt Atkinson. I'm pretty sure it's still available as a free download at resurrectionafterrape.org. Some people have worked through the book without a therapist, but I found it invaluable to have my therapist help me process the journaling assignments. There is even a member group here on DS for people using the book.
I agree with the suggestion to avoid contact with your brother. Obviously he is still trying to exert power and control over you, and his actions are still abusive. You should not have to continue a relationship with your rapist. Your parents are either horribly insensitive or ridiculously clueless. It is really important, for your healing and recovery, that you not have him in your life at all for now. Sometime in the future, you may decide to resume contact, but it needs to be on your terms, with clear and firm boundaries for your brother. His attempts to control you need to stop.
It helped me to do some reading about incest families. I realized that, although my family of origin seemed wonderful, the last family anyone would suspect of harboring such a dark secret, there was a dynamic of control, manipulation, secrecy, isolation, etc. My older brother was allowed to exert power over me unchecked -- at times even encouraged. I was encouraged to comply. Even before the incest, some people in our extended family were alarmed at this, especially at my inability to stand up for myself, and the ease with which my brother controlled me. My mother seemed to think this was a good thing. What she never knew is that it was a perfect set-up for the sexual abuse I endured for years.
I'm really sorry for the horrific nightmare you've lived through. I hope you find the help and support you need and deserve.
Talking for me is the best therapy. It is sad your mom does not listen and your dad won't listen. Finding some kind of counseling is so important.
About the stressors: I would give atleast one up. That doesn't mean you will lose those friends you have made. You need to care for yourself and focus on healing.
Praying for you!
Jalai: Thanks so much for the kind words and the book recommendation, I'll have to check it out.
Samadian: That actually sounds a lot like me... I bought a book on PSTD and the book the Courage to Heal and together they have helped me so much. I think that what I'm dealing with is beyond the capacity of my parents to understand and they honestly are not sure how to deal with the situation. I can be as angry with them as I want, but I don't want to alienate myself from them. My parents genuinely do care about me and are offering me support in the only way they know how.
Tex1234: I agree... I have found a lot of insight just by being away at school. Its about 2 hours from house, so its close enough that if I need anything I can head home, but its far enough away that I do have a lot of independence. I'm just scared to be too far away from home because I feel like my older brother is a negative influence and I need to be close to home so I can talk to my younger brother and keep him grounded so he doesn't end up completely following in his footsteps. My older brother used to abuse heavy drugs, and my little brother keeps getting caught smoking pot and left school. And thank you so much for the complements.
Cdinwv: Thank you for the kind words and the advice!
StehtFest: Thanks for the insight. I think I will do a bit more reading up on the environment of families where incest occurs and see if it resembles my own... and I will definately ask about the sliding fee!
Protector: Talking does help... I currently have a very supportive boyfriend who luckily is very supportive of me and is willing to listen, and I really think I will start looking into therapy because I think it will be a bit more helpful.
Transform: Thank you so much for your kind words and insight and for sharing your experience.