I feared having a boy too, that I could not treat him fairly. It didn't seem fair to even have the thought, but I knew it came from being abused. Maybe it is pretty normal for us.

I didn't have a boy so I don't have useful advice. I've seen a mother favor her daughter and treat her son like the devil and it was heartbreaking. I would suggest counseling, but don't know where you would start to find someone knowledgable on the subject. I'm proud of you that you recognize what's going on.
good luck!

I guess in a way you might be scared of a boy like I'm scared of a girl.
Or maybe I'm scared of having a second child... Not sure..
But what I'm scared of is having a boy older and a girl younger and not being able to protect her... Or him really.. Maybe I'm worried so much about her that I fail him...

I've read your question over and over since right after you posted... Been trying to figure out how to respond, but without hurting anyone feelings, but still staying in topic...

I hope this helps... If youf you want to further this more, I'm here just pm me!! I will get back!!

I think if you protect your son, treat him with love and respect, there will be no reason for him to abuse your daughters. Also, them being older, he will look up to them.

I was also abused by my brother. He was older, and the message he learned from my parents was that I was low status and low worth, unlike his precious male self. I guess that gave him a sense of being entitled to abuse me. But ours was a sick family ...

Before I met my husband, I had a lot of hatred for men. My husband has none of the qualities I detest. My first child was a girl, and I wanted a boy next so I could learn to love a male from birth on up. So I could learn to love and understand males. I love my son a lot. I trust him completely - he is the kind of person who helps others, not someone who hurts others. He loves and respects his sister.

I think the trickiest thing is to not take out our issues on the boys. I have a lot of anger towards men and society because of the devaluation of women, but I tried not to voice too much of that around him so he wouldn't grow up feeling persecuted.

I think it's hard to be a boy. They are as emotional and as sensitive as girls, but they are treated more callously and belittled if they show emotion. This turns some of them mean.

Hopefully when you hold that incredibly helpless and vulnerable infant, you will feel love and protectiveness towards him. Awareness of your issues as he grows will, hopefully, make it possible for you to treat him kindness, respect and love, and he will grow up to be a kind, respectful and loving man. We need more of those!

Thank you all for the kind and thoughtful comments. It means a lot to know I'm not totally alone with these thoughts. I know I am a very good and loving mother to my kids and I hate that I have such bad thoughts and feelings about this. It's been hard because this feels out of my control and at times I'm just overwhelmed with these fears.

Donnawanda, I think I *know* that what you are saying is true. I guess my fear is still paralyzing at this point. I hope that I can work through a lot of it before birth. I don't even know that it's a boy for sure (we find out next week I think) but I sort of just feel that it may be this time. It doesn't help that my husband and ILs are semi-pushing for a boy this time. I've talked a bit with my husband about this fear, but I don't think he fully understands it. He rests so confidently in the fact that we are gentle, kind, loving and respectful parents. And I agree with him. I guess I'm just afraid of flukes or something. I know my thoughts aren't logical or fair which is why I am glad I can come here without judgement. I don't want to feel this way or treat a boy differently. I want to fix these thoughts and feelings before I hurt anyone by treating them differently.

Notalone, I understand a bit about what you were saying. I prayed so hard for my first to be a girl. I was very afraid of having a boy older than girls. I'm very sorry you battle these similar fears.

Pumpkin, I think I do need to find a counselor but I don't know where to start. We are in a new city and not sure how long we will be here. I am under new insurance now as well so I will have to check and see what's covered. I hate that you have battled these fears but I am glad to know I'm not alone.

I found a free therapist by calling RAINN's hotline. It didn't matter that my abuse was 40 years in the past. The therapist they matched me up with was working at Victim's Assistance Services. So those are two leads you can try: RAINN's hotline (google it if you don't know about it) and Victim's Assistance Services in your city.

With both children I had a lot of fear. With my daughter, the first, I was afraid my love for my husband was so consuming it would leave nothing for her. HA! Was that ever wrong! I adored her. And then with my second child, I was afraid, again, that there would be nothing left for him. And then, when he was a newborn I thought, Oh, he's such a homely little stranger! But what a lump of sugar on two legs he turned out to be! It's great that you are so conscious of your fears. I hope and trust that the love of your child will overwhelm every other feeling.

I should add, though, that I had a lot of trouble with my daughter growing up and it wasn't until she was already a troubled teen that I realized that having a little girl in the house had triggered me badly for years, and I had reacted unconsciously. So I do think therapy is a good idea, and I pray you will be spared the troubles we went through.

Have you had your baby yet? I have two son's and as in another post, you and your husband run your home differently. I was scared to have a girl. My parents lived close when my first son was young. They are 9 years apart. Anyway, you will love your son like your daughters. He is not your brother and you know what to look for. We as survivors cannot allow our abusers win. My abuser/father was physically abused. I stopped the chain. My son's are both loving and health young men. Reading your post I feel you will be a great mom of a son should God bless you so.

The power of a parent is immense. If he knows his mother forbids any such thing he won't do it. Don't worry.