Incest Survivors Support Group
Incest refers to any sexual activity between closely related persons that is illegal or socially taboo. Consensual adult incest is very rare. Incest between adults and prepubescent or adolescent children is a form of child sexual abuse that has been shown to be one of the most extreme forms of childhood trauma. If you or a loved one is a survivor of incest, join the group...
My sister wants to create a book on our family history. I asked her if she was going to include the fact that there was so much incest and sexual abuse going on.
She said, she'd mention it but not name names. Since most of the perpetrators are dead and can't defend themselves (though she agrees there is no defense for sexual abuse) she sees no reason to hurt the living by naming names
I have mixed feelings about this. She thought I wanted to name names for revenge but that is not so. I want the living to know the truth; it's easy to love a brother who was there for you, who went to work so you could have nice clothes and things the other kids had; but that is only part of the picture; he was also a perpetrator.
I don't want to wound anyone in the name of truth. Yet the dishonesty of the picture galls me. To hear of this person spoken of with such reverence when I know he abused me sends me to a place of conflict.
He is dead but his adoring sister, whom I love, is still alive. I want her to be real. If she knows he was a perpetrator and loves him anyway I can accept that. But to pretend he was a saint is cousin to abuse in my eyes. It's dishonest and a lie. As a survivor/thriver, I find it particularly hard to accept lies of any kind.
Would you name names or just mention it in the book? Would you let the living keep their untarnished memories or hurt them with the truth?
SuzA
She said, she'd mention it but not name names. Since most of the perpetrators are dead and can't defend themselves (though she agrees there is no defense for sexual abuse) she sees no reason to hurt the living by naming names
I have mixed feelings about this. She thought I wanted to name names for revenge but that is not so. I want the living to know the truth; it's easy to love a brother who was there for you, who went to work so you could have nice clothes and things the other kids had; but that is only part of the picture; he was also a perpetrator.
I don't want to wound anyone in the name of truth. Yet the dishonesty of the picture galls me. To hear of this person spoken of with such reverence when I know he abused me sends me to a place of conflict.
He is dead but his adoring sister, whom I love, is still alive. I want her to be real. If she knows he was a perpetrator and loves him anyway I can accept that. But to pretend he was a saint is cousin to abuse in my eyes. It's dishonest and a lie. As a survivor/thriver, I find it particularly hard to accept lies of any kind.
Would you name names or just mention it in the book? Would you let the living keep their untarnished memories or hurt them with the truth?
SuzA
I had family members who were saints in pubic but monsters behind closed doors. But society needs to know to prevent, educate and protect.
The truth in sharing foundations of family structures and lifestyles differ, no matter what these structures are composed of. Society has silenced families too long from the truth that occurs to many.
The truth of a book is not limited to one story. But the truth should be the basis for these kind of stories to help families talk and heal and help other survivors. It can help society to understand how to conquer and defeat what survivors go through and prevent future abusive families.
Pen names can be used to protect the real people involved, living or dead. Readers relate to the characters they want to anyways. The truth is the only way to progress in society when sharing writings as this.
I commend you and your sister for openly talking. Maybe you could help her in the process. It can be very emotional to bring the truth to light but it is a responsibility that all writers should have to educate society and prevent future abuse. This is my personal feelings of it.
May you both find conversations of healing from these efforts. I wish you both strength and courage to speak openly.
I chose to use pen names of my family, the abusers and the siblings. It wasn't to protect them but it was to openly share my story of survival. Besides, if you use pen names; there can be no retailiation but it is still the truth of what occurred.
Your family could research and read other memoirs to help in the process of how to share your family too. Please keep me posted. I would like to read the final product.
Thank you all for your feedback. It helped me find my own answer for this situation.
I agree the truth is the truth. And I will tell my truth when I write my own biography for the book my sister wants to write on our family history.
I reread my post where I said, "I want her to be real." (I was referring to my cousin who continues to believe her brother was a saint. He was kind and good to her, and he also sexually abused me and others.)
Rereading it made me realize it is not my job to make sure she is "real." That's her responsibility. As long as she continues to frame his abuse of me as "child's play"...you know, "I'll show you mine if you show me yours," then there is no hope of her ever becoming an authentic person. She lives in childhood dreams rather than deal with the fact that her brother was good and kind to her and that he was also a perpetrator.
Her dream of having had a great brother is more important to her than the whole truth. Her brother was probably also a father figure since her dad left the family when she was young. I understand the need to hang onto some fabric of childhood that brings comfort, though it makes me sad.
As I said, I will tell my story for my sister's book but it must include sexual abuse since my life was almost nothing but victim-hood for the first 40 years and then healing from abuse. To paint only highlights would be a lie.
I no longer feel it's necessary to name names. In fact, it is probably wiser not to since we, as humans, tend to categorize events and many of the family readers may categorically think since most of the perpetrators are dead there is nothing to fear.
If I leave it open-ended they may stay alert. Should any family member directly related to the perpetrators ask me face to face if their dad or brother was a perpetrator I will answer truthfully.
Thank you ladies for helping me come to this place of rest.
xx
SuzA