I repressed absolutely everything until I was in my mid 40's.

When I started to remember it was like I had found the missing piece of a puzzle - only that missing piece was the bloody great canon ball that had smashed into my life, bending and breaking most of the other pieces.

Yes I kept away from people because I thought no one would like me. I also kept away from people I liked because I was afraid I would contaminate them.

Never felt like dying tho' - not until the memories started returning. Then I did.

I repressed all memories of abuse or at least minimized or made my fault anything I did remember till my mid 30s when my father died. Before that time I made 5 serious suicide attempts. When I started to remember I was out of control and irrational with clinical depression and paranoia. I had a wonderful therapist for 10 years and made a lot of progress. Because I split so badly at such a young age it still doesn't feel real even though I absolutely know what I remember to be accurate. I am now trying to work at a deeper level and am aware of the baggage I still have. The devistation from the abuse is undescribable.

I had some conscious memory of sexual abuse at age 6 by grandad. However, I felt blocked on what happened at a younger age. then, after dad died in my early 30's, I got a fleeting sense of rape one night. I had no idea who, or how old I was, Just that, in the memory, I feel prodoundly cut off inside, as a way to escape. Well, as an adult in my early 30's, I felt...profoundly cut off inside. ( as well as other things.) So, I thought 'maybe there's something to that fleeting sense.' Then, I had the feeling I was meeting a stranger at the door, someone I hadn't seen in a very long time - and it was me.
This was the beginning, plenty of severe feelings followed, and then a few years later, a whole heap of stuff came up. Some of it was symbolic, like a knife furiously stabbing my chest. Some was flahsbacks, some was like snippets of memory.
I was in psych hospital in a shattered state, when all this happened.
It's 20 years ago now, I'm doing a lot better. And the repressed memories did make sense of why i was so messed up as an adult. It all 'fit' into place.
Not that I believed it Ok. I have had a lot of difficulty believing that I was severely abused as a small child (sexually, and sadistically). the thing is, I've been incredibly unhinged in the past as an adult, and I'm on a cocktail of psych drugs, just to have some degree of stability.

Love and Peace to you all.

I am in my 50's and have just been informed by eye-witness mother, I am having some memory recoveries, but not sure how much I can trust them.

It does certainly answer a whole lot of questions and confusion which have dogged me my whole life.

This is my first post and it is so amazing to hear your stories. I thought I was a freak! I want to thank you all for sharing. I relate to you all completely.

NellieFay - we could be twins - except I am nearly off psych meds - the idea being I accept myself as normal - considering what I have been through... better than normal actually. I am not, NOT recommending it yet, I am having some crushing feelings and I am struggling with my temprament again. Also I managed to avoid hospitals totally and psychiatrists until I was in my 40's.

Hylie, congratulations for overcoming so much.

Breakingthrough - amazing how similar your feelings are to mine.

Lourn - I feel like we might be at similar stages of realisations of the 'splitting phenomenom'. I thought I had multiple personalities at one point, but a few minutes on a DID board sent me running in the opposite direction. I did not feel kinship with multiple types.

I wish you all well and look forward to further communications.

You all express yourselves so well.

Hmm...interesting...
I started finally getting memories of what my dad actually did this summer.
I know he'd done a lot, but my brain blanked out what happened after I entered the bedroom.
I really wish I could have gone inpatient this summer, as dragging myself to work was torture and I really was resisting the urge to off myself all the time.
I never thought that keeping my job and staying out of a psych ward while having regular flashbacks... was an accomplishment.
I'm sure they'd have found a way to fire me if I went to a psych ward, and, well my job is my sanity-preserver.

I am in the middle of getting memories. I am 33 and my daughter just turned five - the age I was when my dad started abusing me. Six months ago, I stumbled upon a realization that started all of this. It was a question I never asked myself until now and there was only one answer to it.... At the hint of the implication.... I came home from therapy in a heap of sobs, completley overwhelmed. I rocked myself and pounded a bruise into my leg, which was a bit frightening for me.

My horrible, selfish, dysfunctional, acloholic family had puzzled me my whole life - especially the part about me being to blame for EVERYTHING and them not wanting anything to do with me. After trying fruitlessly to make sense of them and bring my family together in some sort of healthy and genuine way, I became estranged (because I was to successful, snobby, demanding, expected too much, etc.). Even without them, I had unexplained self-esteem issues, PTSD, etc. - and no idea why my mother sacrificed me at every turn and my dad never really took an interest in me...unless I was making them both look good.

Well, days after this factual realization, I had very painful body memories and bleeding along with a strange knowing that I was being touched and raped. The pieces started coming together fast, but my entire being resisted. Not me. Not my family. No way. Then other visual clues came. Now I have dreams that reveal more and more. My dreams are drenched in fear and helplessness.

At this point, I think I am fighting internally. I want the memories and the feelings to come out of me. I want to heal and change the negative impact it still has one me, but I don't want to know. I am scared - petrified, actually. The PTSD, the fear, the helplessness, the rage...it is just horrifying. So I am trying to gain strength and prepare for what is to come.

Sadly, I make much more sense now. I was a second-class citizen in my family and they treated me terribly, but I thought I deserved it. My middle school journals revealed that I thought something really bad happened and I had been brainwashed...that I was possessed by demons. At twelve, I berated myself for having no self-control, no willpower, no sense of right and wrong. What kind of kid feels like that? Ahhhh, an child who is being sexually abused by her father while her mother emotionally absues her. Assholes.

But at least it makes sense now...

I am remembering and just wish it would just stop. The memories I have now are bad enough and I am somewhat afraid all the time that another one is coming. Apparently I have hit the level of maturity where it is safe for me to remember.
So much makes sense now, the feeling like I am worthless especially in regards to my own body, the letting everyone walk all over me, shit like that.
The realization has come and I am changing, trying to not care what everyone thinks about me in a desperate attempt to be loved and shit like that.

I believe I repressed the memories, also I guess I was to young to fully understand how terrible it really was. I had occasional flashes and nightmares I didn't understand. My family acted weird and avoided it when I talked about the dreams. They withheld information and kept secrets from me. Then I turned 14. It all hit me like tons and tons of heavy bricks. That's when I really started to go downhill with the nightmares and the flashbacks and fear and anxiety. I always could feel that what happened was wrong and that something was very very wrong about my past. But I was really afraid of remembering. All along I was in denial. Now I take it with full force and it hurts like Hell.

glad this was brought up I had brought this up before a while ago and this still really validates my feelings.

reply #6 wow this is the same thing that happened to me last year when my 2 boys turned the same age I was. one turned 5 1/2 and one turned 3. I always had 2 specific memories one at 3 and one at 5 1/2. the one at five teh person ( my dad) had a black face and at 3 I thought he was changing my diper but I didnt wera dipers at 3. the anxiety just was coming so bad I felt I was going crazy! SO I went to a therapist and told her my2 memories and how I was terrfiied of being with my dad alone and here I am 35 at scared!! so she said go with your gut and your feelings and then BOOM my lofe was shattered BUT everything made sense my life made sense to how my behavior fears etc... I cant rembemer to much more just the feelings it happend more then these 2x's I dont know what happened exactly but yet I know it wasnt good.
I am glad to see that in my case where there are a lot of repressed memories that it is normal and maybe I will remember and that iam not nuts becuase I dont rememmber.

Why do you think the brain goes that far to protect you where you just cant rememebr?

I do know I wasa always scared I would be taken away and I did cry not to be with him and my mom still made me go with hi and I had a child therapist that was treating him for his craziness and never asked me anyting so maybe I was to scared or knew there was no where to go so maybe I dissociated it away .. I dont know I jsut wish I knew and had the answers plus the fact iti was my own father makes it harder I am sure

It strikes me that only the strongest minds can bury such awfulness. I had absolutely NO memories of my grandfather at all despite the fact that he lived in my house for the first 10 years of my life.

Still now when I search the house of my childhood. The places where he would be sitting are blocked out/scribbled over.

Memories have come before, but made no sense. Now at least I have some idea why I've been such a nut-job all my life.

It is said that no matter how twisted the body becomes, the head will try to keep straight facing and upright with the eyes level.

It seems reading through all these posts that we have, at a neurological level, attempted to normalise ourselves. To face the world straight on equal terms, despite how our personalities have been twisted and distorted.